Family Problems : How do you think I should handle this?

[BearHitch]

My question is in regards to my mother who I have posted about before and who I have a lot of troubles with period.  But I need advice on what to do next with my mom.  So there is a ton of history and such that I won't go into, but its important to know that according to my husband the only authority figure I respect is the position of a mother and I think that is because my mom raised us kids to believe that she was the only one who would be there for us so we could never walk away from her because we need her.  She is still dealing with empty nest syndrome (and it will be worse when next year the last of us move out) so this makes her extra crazy, in my opinion.  

Anyway, I have my scheduled c-section for baby #2 next week.  I have had a few talks now with my mom about her watching my son, and that I wanted him to be cared for at our house and how important it is to me to keep him on his schedule of having a nap and consistent bedtime.  My mom has shown disregard for this in the past - she has an attitude of she knows better - and while I've said something its never changed.  She always acts dumb about it and denies that is what happened (for instance she has my son and I say I would like him home and in bed by 8 pm and she doesn't even show up until 8:15 pm and then he still needs to get ready for bed so he's not in bed until 8:30 pm.  It may not seem like a big difference but it actually really throws him off).  I also don't trust my mom to be as protective if you will of my son because she suggests things that are insane to me (such as I should let him walk off of the edge of a pool because he will need to learn someday to not do that - did I mention my not taking this advice caused a week long fight?).  She can do that with her kids but it has taken A LOT to get my son this far in life with all of his health problems so... I err on the side of caution.  So anyway, I've made this clear that I want him here at my house and not at hers which is 50 minutes away.  

At this point I don't know what you are wondering - I read it and wonder why I even bother with her... but the point is I want to cut off my mom's help.  Taking care of my son is the last time I NEED help - I will find another way with things that come up in the future.  We are really working at getting a 2nd vehicle so I don't need to depend on her.  But today on the phone she suggested she come get him the day before my c-section so he can just stay at her house and I said no, because I want him sleeping here and I want to see him before I go into surgery (what if I die?!) and this became an issue and she got upset and suddenly had to go.  Unfortunately I need to see her tomorrow and this is where my dilemma is...

Tomorrow I could bring this up to my mom (again) and reinterate that I want him here and if this is an issue she should let me know (she has talked about me to my siblings about how I won't let Isaac stay with her so I know she complains about it behind my back) or I could not and hope that while I am in the hospital I catch her going against my wishes so that I never need to have a reason again why he won't go down there and it will be justified and solid.  I have reasons as to why I don't that I feel are solid but she always dismisses them and I don't like arguing trying to convince her that yes you actually weren't here until 8:15 pm - she always has an excuse or plays dumb or something.  I could say that my husband doesn't want Isaac to and so that is why - and while that is very true I don't want to make him look bad and be a scapegoat.  And there is a chance that I won't catch her although I would place very large sums of money that I know it will happen (classic ones such as she couldn't do his eye patching which is very important right now because there wasn't time... and there wasn't time because they were out swimming.  It only takes 15 minutes).

So... would you express your feelings again or try and catch her or what would you do?  

An Exasperated Bearhitch

[gumbygumby]

I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like your mom needs a babysitter. Maybe hire somebody to help your mom but really use them as a spy? >:D

[BearHitch]

I prepare myself for comments that differ and could offend so that way the don't Teko  :)  Plus I've always valued your opinions on these forums.  I would be okay with watching TV and eating sweets and things like that if my child was older, but he's only 21 months.  Plus - those kinds of things aren't really going to hurt you necessarily if you know what I mean.  I think it is nice that my mom wants to be a part of his life, but my mom's opinions are the way things are and when I don't take her advice it really causes problems.  So... I kind of wish my mom didn't want to  :S  

Gumby - My mom is very manipulating and so yes it does feel that way.  Its like she baits me to challenge and try and convince her otherwise and that is a losing battle.  I have told her that I don't feel like she respects me as a mom and its because she doesn't respect my authority on things.  We recently found out my son was very anemic and needs to take iron supplements to get his levels up... so we are also cutting back on milk.  He went to her house and I said he couldn't have any milk - health reason.  Well we arrive to get him and look - he is drinking milk.  If he saw her once a month things might be a bit different - maybe - but he doesn't he sees her often.  This kind of thing really bothers me.  I want him to be watched at my house to keep him on a routine because when I get back with a newborn... I know what he is like when he goes off schedule for 1 day, but 4 would be ridiculous!  :S  

[gumbygumby]

Could have somebody check on your son while he's there? Maybe you dont need to let your mother know about it *wink wink*

I have big trouble with my mother and when you said "I have reasons as to why I don't that I feel are solid but she always dismisses them and I don't like arguing trying to convince her that yes you actually weren't here until 8:15 pm - she always has an excuse or plays dumb or something." I really understood what you meant. Does it feel like she's filled her head with so many things she's certain of, that there is no room for you to put anything else in? Some people just dont know how to be wrong. Dont lose hope though, everybody is capable of an epiphany :)

[teko]

I am not aware of the history, therefore I can only give my opinion based on the post here. I think you need to relax. I think it is great that your mother watches him for you. Gramma always spoils them rotten and it is well known that grammas dont do things the way mom does. Thats what grammas do. I think you need to center your strength on your c section and be grateful that you mom is taking the child. When my grandchildren are at my house, for a sleepover or whatever, they play by my rules. My daughter has never had problems with this and it is just one of those things. The kids like to go to my house because it is different than home with mom and dad. I let them eat sweets and stay up and watch tv, and all kinds of things like that. I respect Mom having a schedule and am totally for it. Nanas house is fun and is for the kids and me. Hope I did not offend. Keep in mind there are lots of grandparents out there that want nothing to do with their grandkids. So, I say, relax and enjoy. and let Nana enjoy too.

[BearHitch]

Well... that is the problem.  I don't really have any friends (no, seriously, we really don't) at this point, my sister is turning 21 that week and has informed me that she will be sober at some point to come visit me in the hospital but to stay with my son, not.  DH's mom has tried to commit suicide 2 times in the last few months and if anything happened while I was gone I'd probably.... well I won't type what I was thinking.  So - unfortunately not.  Given that, what do you think I should do RR?

[RockRose]

I would find someone else to watch your child while you are in the hospital.

Do you have any sisters,  dear friends,  your hubby's mom,  etc?