porn is tearing us apart

[angelbabies]

Iv been with my partner for 4 years in those years we have overcome alot, i sufferd 3 misscarrages, deppresion ect... we now have a baby girl together and on the outside u would think we have everything we wanted but over these 4 years iv caught him looking a porn on the internet a number of times and have told him how much i dont like it, every time i get "i love you ill stop" but he never dose, about a weekago i found some more confronted him about it and he gave it the "im going to stop" bollocks....well sat on the pc today i found more, i would love to say thats it its over to him but i cant i do love him but this problem is one i know he wont stop! it makes me feel hurt, sick, i feel cheated! i feel im with him i love him so things like that i will shair with him, i dont think its right to do those sorts of thing in a relationship.
anyone feel the same?

[Julie359]

personally i believe that porn has it's own place and can be a useful tool when you are on your own and in a relationship or marriage but where one partner is clearly distressed by the other partners actions there needs to be a clear and firm communication stance.

I would recommend marriage counseling as you have approached him several times and he still is viewing this material, there is clearly something wrong within the relationship and this needs a professional to get to the bottom of it and find a soultion to help you both put it right...  

[specialmom]

I don't think this original post was so much about whether porn is right or wrong-----  but that she would rather not have it in her relationship.  Clearly everyone has their own opinion as everyone takes this opportunity to share---------  but I think the post is about a  husband and wife working out an issue.  With all issues, they must communicate about it and come to a conclusion.  They say that with conflict in a marriage you should assign a number to something that really bothers you.  A number from 1 to 10.  Now, only a couple of things can be a 10.  So if porn is a level 9 or 10 issue for a spouse, then it should be taken seriously and could be a deal breaker.  If it is a level 5 or 6 then they compromise.  If it level 1 or 2 then she lets it go.  (if I'm missing a number it is a grey area).  So it is for  her to decide where on the scale this falls and how she and her spouse can work it out.  good luck

[Coco87]

Some porn is degrading, BUT some porn isn't, and  is used as an oulet to live your fantasy without cheating. WE all thinking about extreme sex some of it is mild sex w/ someone else or feet fetish, and some is extreme being tied up spit on. I enjoy being spanked while having sex doggysytle tied up and some dirty talking. Does mean I am less of a person? I hope not. The only porn in which I do not at all defend is Kiddie porn that shouldn't even be a genre!!! It's just sick!!

[PromisedLand]

Thank you...actually, it's my ex stepson from my first marriage who has been "seducing" my naive daughter for years...my ex BIL and several of his friends were involved in "the business" as was his wife "well, it's great for learning new positions" and others I've known throughout the years..they've all been scumbags.


Jim

[mayflowers]

Great post.  I truely believe that if people knew what they were watching, and understood how detrimental it is, they would stop and walk away.  I totally agree with your point of view.  How  wonderful that you listened to your wife and she was able to get through to you.  Sounds like you have a very smart family ;o)

I think what happens to people is that they can get desensitized to what they are watching - other people have sex for money.  They don't realize that they are objectifying the people in the movies.  Pornography isn't about love or emotion or caring about anyone other than yourself.  It's about having orgasms in the least possible personal way.  That's it.  And the people making those movies don't care who they hurt b/c all they care about is the dollar bill.  That's what they worship.  That is their false god to worship.

Obviously I don't know your son-in-law, but I would venture to say that he is pretty cold and any emotion he have once felt for another human being, is now dead.  I'm glad your daughter and neice saw through his callousness and are no longer buying his cr@p.  This may sound weird, but I feel sorry for him.  He is a lost and lonely person.  When and if he realizes what he has done, he will be alone and probably dying.  That's a tragic figure in my mind.  

I think of it as a drug addiction.  You start off doing it as a recreational thing and then it moves onto something far worse, and you don't even realize it, because it's just a slow progression of addiction.  I know this b/c I'm recovering from a prescription addiction and gambling addiction, which both started off as recreational.   I didn't realize that I would be ruining my life the way I did.

I'm glad I never got into porn b/c I know I probably would be addicted to that as well.  I have enough on my plate at the moment.  The dt's are bad enough with the scripts!!!

Also, I'm not judging anyone who watches porn.  I'm too flawed myself to judge another person.  I'm just trying to help.  If one person reads the article by Rabbi Gillman and stops watching porn, then I've done a good thing today.  Maybe I'll even be saving a life.

Thanks Medhelp for letting me "speak".

[PromisedLand]

I've known several men involved in various aspects of porn production (Including my ex stepson) and I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. and I've seen the way they treat women, PERSONALLY and how they "scout them out" and try to get them in the sack to "check them out" and then after charming them, toss them out in the trash...how do I know this...One of these women was my daughter and one was my neice...and one of the men involved was my former stepson who tried out my daughter on the very day my son died in HIS BED IN HIS ROOM IN HIS HOUSE...and all of the men I've known in the business (several) are the same way..a woman is a piece of meat to make money off of filming and selling and throw away..

Yes, I was once addicted to this crap and thank God my wife opened my eyes because I can look at my daughter and know she wasn't involved and she was even paid for her try out...a case of herpes and hpv from my stepson..My niece was luckier as she saw right through him and her New Jersey street smarts went to work....he'd been working on my sister since my mother's funeral in 3/08...my son died 11/08

[mayflowers]

Read the article by Rabbi Gellman.  It will open your eyes.

[turkee23]

PORN IS OK!!!... doesnt DEGRADE you if you watch it ...what a joke!... because diane freakin sawyer says so its true???...pffff give me a  BREAK!!!!

these women WANT to do this....YES SOME of them could have been abused, or are possibly on drugs BUT SOME OF THEM ARENT!!!!.... i know plently of people in the industry and they are  not either of it, just making money to support their family, or pay for school or whatever THEIR reason is....

you make you rown porn in you rbedrooms at night... are you being exploited???

STOP JUDGING people hwo like porn...we dont judge you for not liking it...just cause YOU dont like it dont mean other people cant like it

[mayflowers]

I am not a prude.  But I hate pornography.  I have never really sat down and watched a porno because it's never been that appealing to me.  I never really cared about it until I saw a documentary with Diane Sawyer about this industry. This is not a good industry.  It degrades everyone who is involved in it and it degrades YOU, the viewer.  Each time you watch one of these "movies", you are supporting someone being abused.  Really, you are.  

I don't think it should be outlawed as this will just cause it to go underground.  

If you like to watch pornography, please think about the following before you watch the next video:

1)  Pornography separates love and sex.  This is the essential moral and spiritual offense of pornography.  

2)  Pornography fosters casual sex.  This is bad for your physical and mental health.  

I will add my 2 cents and say that I have observed that people who watch porn are more likely to stray in their relationships.  I think this is due to the numbing of ones' senses about sex and love.

3)  Pornography exploits women.  I will also add here that I think it exploits the men who are in these movies are well.

4)  Pornography has produced an overabundance of predatory men and exploited women.  It is bad karma for everyone associated with it.

5)  Pornography transforms people into sexual objects.

To see the entire article, just google Rabbi Marc Gellman + Pornography.  The article was written on January 16, 2010. It is an excellant article.  Rabbi Gellman very eloquently exposes the lies of believing that pornography is harmless.   It will really get you thinking about why you watch porn and how it is harmful to yourself and to the people in this industry.

I strongly urge everyone to read this article.

[realitychrissie]

Honestly if you accept it, because some guys just like to watch porn. My husband does, and honestly because he never hid it from me or felt he was doing something wrong he has lost interest. He watches it sometimes, while we were TTC and at one point I just wanted him to get on do his job and get off, I'd get frustrated with foreplay that I sent him to the den to watch a naughty flick, it came in handy.
If your husband is not verbally, physically abusive, cheat with another person go out drinking all the time, then you are lucky.
Talk to him but don't make it about him doing something wrong, he'll resent you and do it more...this part is thanks to my husband.
My husband is obsessed with Dungeons & Dragons, takes up about 20% of his free time, honestly do not stress too much about the porn you have been through so much already.

[PromisedLand]

(embarrassed look) thank you.....but I'm afraid you've got me in the wisdom department and it is you that are the best.

I'm learning from you though ;-)


Jim

[Judy246]

Jim....have I told you lately how wise you are?....did I tell you that I just love you...your the best, you friend always...Judy

[PromisedLand]

try as my wife did to me several months ago when I was addicted to it..."it's me or the porn"   I'm still here, don't miss the porn and find the thought of it disgusts me.  I don't find any useful purpose in it, though I know there is a great debate on that statement.


Jim

[Judy246]

My deepest condolences on all the miscarriages you have experienced. I know how difficult it could be with the loss and on top of that the stress of living with someone who is probably becoming addicted to porn. Porn is not only addictive, it is becoming one of the most destructive behaviors to the very foundation of marriages. If couples can accept this, then more power too them, BUT, most women that post here are because the dislike porn so much. I feel that if you are that uncomfortable with it, communicate your feelings and how it makes you feel. In my younger days, I use to watch porn quite a bit with my back then b/f and it didn't do anything for me, because I don't need to be turned on by porn to satisfy my man. I have everything he needs to satisfy him in every way, but we have had quite a few post on the damaging effects on porn to a marriage. Talk to him and tell him what you feel, it he loves you, he will take your feeling into consideration. If he is becoming addicted to it, it will definate be a problem in your marriage. Only you can decide if you want to accept this or not in your marriage. Good luck and let us know how you are coming along...Hugs, Judy

[j7653]

I agree with Coco.  I know, I know.  I am a guy.  In my relationship I hid it for a long time from my wife.  Finally she told me that she would be okay with it if we shared in it or if I wasnt so 'underground' about it.  Two things happened...

1. We incorporated it into our sex lives and it was good.
2. It lost it's 'edge'.  I still liked it, but not as much and it just became a non-issue between us.

I am not saying that you have to do what we did.  But perhaps there is some happy medium.

Communication is the key.

[Coco87]

Find out what about the pron turns him on, maybe it has something to do with your current sex life. Instead of demanding that he stops why dont to guys talk about it. Maybe its his way of escaping without physically cheating. Communication is key to a positive relationship.

[Ashelen]

All I can say is...tell him all the things you're telling us. tell him how it makes you feel, and tell him it's one thing you don't feel you can compromise on.

[turkee23]

i wouldnt post about porn on here... its causes fights... just look at the other post on this page that says "cant stand porn"