my child doesn't know her stepfather isn't her birth father

[candy1651]

My daughter is 7 yrs old. her birthfather has not seen her since she was 9 months ol. She thinks thaqt her stepfather is her father. Just recently, her biological father has been suggesting he wants to see her. When is a good time to talk to my daughter about this?

[AnnieBrooke]

What kind of legal agreement do you have with the birth father?  Do you want him to be in contact with the child?  If you don't, you should talk to an attorney about whether or not you can prevent it.  If you are OK with them having contact, I would talk to a children's therapist to find out the best way of telling your daughter the news.  I assume it will upset her, so I would definitely (in your shoes) talk to a professional for the best way to introduce it to her.

[AnnieBrooke]

ps -- if he wants contact as her father, does that mean he is ready to pay child support?  If he is not, I am not sure how excited I would be to give him any rights as a father.  If he is already paying for child support, then (earlier disinterest or not) it seems he does have the right to get to be a dad in other ways too.

[josie_may]

I believe that the sooner the better she needs to be perpared to deal with this if he does decide to see if. If you do not want to allow it then you need to take him to court and explain to the judge that it might not be healthy for her to have a relationship with him do to his 7 year absence. I personally don't believe that if a parent abandons their child for years deserves to have a second chance with their child. I believe that it just confuses the child. I personally have three men who might be my father. Bryan he is on my birth cirtificate. and told me he did not want me until now that I am grown, made something of myself, and have a family now he has changed his mind. Jr. Pawl who I have never met. On my 16th birthday he decided that he was ready to meet my I told my mother to tell him to little to late. And Then there is Richie the man that raised me. He knew the whole time that there was only a small chance that I might be his and he still to this day would turn the world around for me. He is my dad my father no matter what my blood says. He even offered to do a DNA test if I wanted to but I dont need one. I believe a fater gives sperm but a dad stands by you when you get hurt, or need to learn to ride a bike. They are there through the good and the bad no matter what. I am sure that you will do what you think is best for your child. I just wanted to let you know my situation. I knew the whole truth and all it did was hurt me. I was depressed alot growning up and was in counsling. And now because of what Bryan did I have sever attachment disorder. If meeting her father is not best for your child then fight him. Your daught has the right to choose when she is ready 7 is very young to try to understand all of these things and maybe even just explain to your ex that you don't believe it is healthy for your child to have to deal with all of this at such a critical age. He made his choice why should he get to just change his mind when he wants to.  

[brice1967]

I've got mixed emotions about your problem.  On one hand, if you have a legal-lawful agreement with the birth father and he has been keeping his end of the deal up, there is no reason to keep him from his daughter.  (Especially if the legal-lawful agreement says he can have visitation rights.)

On the other hand, if bio-dad has been nowhere to be found and has not kept up his end of the lawful agreement, he should be held to making restitution payments (back child support payments).  Does that mean he should be granted visitation?  Not necessarily, but if he is holding up his end of the bargain or gets on track, I'm not for sure what the benefit of your child not knowing the truth.  Eventually the truth will come out and your child will either be elated, devastated or lost somewhere in the middle.

I was adopted.  I am thankful for the mother that I had.  She worked her tail off, provided a wonderful, safe, nurturing environment and did a better job than any of my friends parents.  (I'm partial, she's my mom...LOL)  But with that said, I know nothing about my birth parents.  For a lot of people in my situation, that is fine.  But there are others like me who just want to know.... I don't want any kind of relationship with those people.  That isn't necessary, and I am not looking for that.  I just want to know who I am.  I want to know my biological back ground, primarily because I was told so many different, contradictory things growing up.

For your child, I think it would be wonderful for her to know that she has an incredible man in her life.  One who stepped up and too her on as his own, loved her as his own, raised him as her own and that he is her step father.... she can always know him as "daddy" though.  But she also has a biological dad whom she shares DNA with.  She should be given (at a more suitable time) information pertaining to her biological make up/genetics, but step dad can and should be right there and be the supporting guy he seems to be.

[kelsebby6122]

I can tell you from experience it may just hurt her in the ling run, if he decides he doesnt want to have contact with her anymore or just decides to block her out for good. My experience growing up pretty much sucked my dad left me and mom when I was 10 weeks old. Came back when I was three, only to take me for a week end once every three months or more. Or only when he had a new girlfriend to make himself look good. Like a good father. Then when I was ten told my mother he wanted nothing to do with me and gave his rights over to my step father. And then came back into my life at the age of 17 when I found out I have 3 other siblings. I still have a lot of resentment to him and always will. I always wanted to be a daddys girl. But because he never really wanted me I never got that. Is just think real hard about it. Since he step father has actually been a gather to her.