Aa
so..what now...? where to from 'no where left to go' ?
-Life is tragically and horribly cruel with a twist of 'what the **** was that all about..?
Recently, I had a huge urge to 're-connect' with my only sister whom I hadn't seen for over 20 years which wouldnt be denied. I had to find her and it was incredibly easy, there she was in the vancouver phone book, near east hastings where she had last been seen by my abusive and awful father who abandoned her there years prior**she was 45 at that time..now she was 57 when I found her.
I fully realized that by contacting her I was potentially opening a can of worms with who I call 'the mother ship'. I hadn't been in contact with her either for even longer**-my mother had been horribly emotionally and physically abusive to all 3 of us growing up, but even by my siblings standards (one of whom committed suicide at the tender age of 27) my mother treated me, the youngest, the worst. -her base corrupt core message that she started feeding me at a very young age was 'the day you were born, I knew you would be my cross to bare'. Thats a lot for a child to take in...and return to..and beat themselves up with repeatedly...
If there was a problem, I was always the one sent to 'fix' the problem- even if it meant risking my own well being. I dont have any fond fuzzy memories of Momma.
After 25 years, I found myself sitting at her kitchen table again trying to re-capture any sign of love I may have missed that I was always searching for, when out of the blue the phone rang..and a friend was calling me (at my moms house who I havent seen for 25 years!) to tell me my abusive father was now lieing in hospital dying with a brain tumor. You could have knocked me off my chair with a q-tip!! - It didnt take very long before speculation about my dad's estate and what might be in it took center stage...and the visit went straight to hell from there..it didnt matter what I agreed with..how much I allowed her to say those nasty old stuffy hurtful 'messages'..no matter how hard i made myself stand there to take on her anger at my father etc I knew I would never be able to help her rid herself of her pain by being her whipping post**
- today...I am trying to make the healthy decision for myself and my family to walk away completely from both of these people and have once again quit talking to them..and sadly feel I have no other choice than to right them off as 'unsalvageable' for my own sake. The question is...where to from here...and how to get there...I have no energy..I am horribly depressed..I just cant get interested beyond a cup of coffee and crochetting..I am stuck..
This discussion is related to Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship.
Recently, I had a huge urge to 're-connect' with my only sister whom I hadn't seen for over 20 years which wouldnt be denied. I had to find her and it was incredibly easy, there she was in the vancouver phone book, near east hastings where she had last been seen by my abusive and awful father who abandoned her there years prior**she was 45 at that time..now she was 57 when I found her.
I fully realized that by contacting her I was potentially opening a can of worms with who I call 'the mother ship'. I hadn't been in contact with her either for even longer**-my mother had been horribly emotionally and physically abusive to all 3 of us growing up, but even by my siblings standards (one of whom committed suicide at the tender age of 27) my mother treated me, the youngest, the worst. -her base corrupt core message that she started feeding me at a very young age was 'the day you were born, I knew you would be my cross to bare'. Thats a lot for a child to take in...and return to..and beat themselves up with repeatedly...
If there was a problem, I was always the one sent to 'fix' the problem- even if it meant risking my own well being. I dont have any fond fuzzy memories of Momma.
After 25 years, I found myself sitting at her kitchen table again trying to re-capture any sign of love I may have missed that I was always searching for, when out of the blue the phone rang..and a friend was calling me (at my moms house who I havent seen for 25 years!) to tell me my abusive father was now lieing in hospital dying with a brain tumor. You could have knocked me off my chair with a q-tip!! - It didnt take very long before speculation about my dad's estate and what might be in it took center stage...and the visit went straight to hell from there..it didnt matter what I agreed with..how much I allowed her to say those nasty old stuffy hurtful 'messages'..no matter how hard i made myself stand there to take on her anger at my father etc I knew I would never be able to help her rid herself of her pain by being her whipping post**
- today...I am trying to make the healthy decision for myself and my family to walk away completely from both of these people and have once again quit talking to them..and sadly feel I have no other choice than to right them off as 'unsalvageable' for my own sake. The question is...where to from here...and how to get there...I have no energy..I am horribly depressed..I just cant get interested beyond a cup of coffee and crochetting..I am stuck..
This discussion is related to Toxic Mother/Daughter Relationship.
I heard the question "when is enough enough?" and I made a
C O N S C I O U S decision to quit holding onto the things that were holding on to me - and I made it work!! I made it a mantra, I repeated it to myself over and over, again and again, until I believed it.
I too had a very painful ChildHood till age 15 when I made a very bad marriage (to "escape" my ChildHood!!) and that only added to and magnified, my despair. I was 30 years old before I was able to walk away and at that time I decided not to let the bad people in my life define who I am. It didn't happen for me over night but I believed it (my mantra) until I made it true.
I hope this helps You.
C O N S C I O U S decision to quit holding onto the things that were holding on to me - and I made it work!! I made it a mantra, I repeated it to myself over and over, again and again, until I believed it.
I too had a very painful ChildHood till age 15 when I made a very bad marriage (to "escape" my ChildHood!!) and that only added to and magnified, my despair. I was 30 years old before I was able to walk away and at that time I decided not to let the bad people in my life define who I am. It didn't happen for me over night but I believed it (my mantra) until I made it true.
I hope this helps You.
Have you ever had a bird fly into your house, and no matter how many windows and doors you opened up, it wouldn't fly out? Instead it flew around from the tops of curtain rods and behind couches, somehow unable to recognize the open windows and doors?
That's you. You're not stuck - you just feel stuck, and for some reason you've purposely flown into this house you don't want to be in.
I think you need an adventure. Not a teeny one like a trip downtown, but a BIG one like a solo canoe trip down the river that lasts 3 days.
Something to make you realize you purposely flew into this house, and are purposely not flying back out.
Best wishes. In the meantime, read "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed. That'll unstick you. ;D
That's you. You're not stuck - you just feel stuck, and for some reason you've purposely flown into this house you don't want to be in.
I think you need an adventure. Not a teeny one like a trip downtown, but a BIG one like a solo canoe trip down the river that lasts 3 days.
Something to make you realize you purposely flew into this house, and are purposely not flying back out.
Best wishes. In the meantime, read "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed. That'll unstick you. ;D
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