What do you think? Parent/Teen question

[Cosmogal]

Here is the situation. My daughter, who is a virgin is going to be 20 next month. Well she started dating a guy just over a month ago. They have know each other longer but had just started dating recently. Well anyway, his mother and him decided they wanted to take my daughter out for her 20th birthday and stay in a hotel that is just 45min away from home. It will be with her boyfriend, his mother and his uncle. My daughter lives at home and attends a community college here. This is my daughters first real boyfriend. My husband has a big problem with her staying in a hotel with people we barely know and has forbid her from going. She in return is being resistant and says that she is still going (although not to my husband) and he says that if she goes she is not welcome back home and she can find her own place to live. I say that is extreme but he thinks if he puts it that way then she won't do it, so he will win that argument either way. I feel put in the middle. My husband will not discuss it and my daughter is being stubborn and will not see that we have her best interest here. Even though she will be 20 she is not mentally ready for what could possibly happen at a hotel and this mother has told my daughter that she is going to be her next daughter in law. I feel its too much too fast. My daughter has said she is in love with him and I know how you can have your head in a cloud when your young. I got pregnant with her at 18, married her dad and divorced him. My husband now practically raised her. He real dad has nothing to do with her. My question is, do you think she should go? Are we protecting her too much? We also have two small children who are 6 and 7 and we don't want to give them the wrong idea. My husband and I have been arguing about this and it is tearing me up. I don't know what to think. On one hand I see no problem because she has always been smart but then again this is her first serious boyfriend and since they have been together she acts like she can do whatever she wants and has been neglecting things at home. Also we pay for her cell phone bill, computer, all her food, put gas in her car from time to time and I have also covered most of her insurance payment. I charge her no rent as long as she remains in school. She has no regard to what we do for her and my husband says as long as she is under our roof she must follow our rules. It has caused alot of tension in the house. Oh and her boyfriend is not the problem. He actually called to talk to me yesterday and was really concerned that he was causing a problem and I just told him that it was my daughter and she just needed to follow the house rules. She came home the other night a 2am and I had previously told her that is not acceptable and that she needed to be in at a decent hour when we all have to get up to work the next day. Also she just started driving in february of this year so I don't like her out too late. She really just started this year to grow up. We have been pushing her to get out and get a life of her own we just didn't think she would do it all at once.
Also my husband was a little hurt that know one even asked us about her birthday since she is our daughter and no one thought to ask us about our plans for her 20th birthday since her grandmothers is the same day and we did have plans. We were in the process of planning and now it took a U-turn.
Any advice?
Thanks

[Trialanderror]

Sooner or later your daughter is going to lose her virginity so aside from this slightly weird hotel arrangement the best thing you can do is talk with her about birth control right away. And then gather some information on why you were not included in the planning of your daughter`s birthday. Make sure you get to know all of the participants and then decide about this particular occasion. In general, however, let her go and gather her own experience and develop responsibility, just like everyone here said. She has to streetproof herself.

[peekawho]

She's almost 20.  She is an adult.  You are right to be concerned, but honestly talking is as far as you can take it.  Its time for her to grow up now.  

I'm glad your husband is calmer about it.  Its hard to let go of your child, and realise that she has grown up and will be on her own, making her own decisions.

This is not a hard situation at all.  Unless you guys make it difficult.  Best of luck.

[Cosmogal]

Yes you have all been great. My husband and I discussed everything in more calm manner today and I have talked with my daughter. I don't think evreything is resoved and it wil take time. One thing for sure is that my husband thought it would be best to meet his mother and then go from there. I think not knowing his family and him very well has caused concern for him. She may be 19 but this is her first serious boyfriend. So we are a little cautious with her because she is so new to dating. She just didn't have that desire to date in high school and I guess because of it it has made us scared.Thanks everyone!

[waitingwithhope]

One more thing to add to the discussion....if you have raised her well, your husband should have no concerns with what she will or won't do. Her upbringing and morals and decisions will come back into play when she is in any situation. If you have raised her to be a clear thinker and you have raised her to make good decisions, you have to let go and trust what you did was enough. Parents who are often afraid of what will happen are actually deep down more afraid of a)what happened when THEY were a teenager/young adult or b) the fact that they didn't do a good enough job parenting.

[NewMommy08]

Your husband needs to back off and realize that she is an adult, and it is not up to him to tell her what she can and cant do really.  I think he is over reacting, I mean the same thing that can happen in a hotel can happen anywhere(even your own house).  And you may think you know everything about your daughter but you are never going too.  I had sex for the first time at 16(with the man who is my husband now) and it was in my parents house.  My parents thought they knew everything about me but to this day still don't know we ever had sex before marriage...  All I suggest is to let her grow up, become a woman and take on her own responsibilites.  Have you voiced your concurns with your daughter?

[Cosmogal]

Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to her tonight. I think she should look at the campus board and see if anyone is looking for a roomate. I think it is in her best interest to do so. I agree with what you all have to say and I think its time that she does get a hold of her independence. If she can do that. I was out of the house at 18 and it really makes you grow. Not sure what to do about next month when her birthday rolls around but we will see. Thanks again!

[NewMommy08]

I think that she is 20, she is an adult and you can't make decisions for her forever, she does need to grow up on her own!  You are never going to be able to stop her whenever she does decide to have sex...  I left hope at 18 and couldn't wait to get out, I'm sure your daughter feels crouded.  Give her her space and let her make her own mistakes or she will never grow and learn!  Good Luck!

[RockRose]

Couple thoughts:

1. I would be VERY wary of the boyfriend's mother.  Eeyikes,  she sounds like she's grabbing your daughter and holding on tight.  Seems very odd to me.

2.  College students need to be living separately from their parents or they just will not grow up.  She won't mature until she gets out of the house and out of the watchful eyes of her father.   Most parents of college kids I know foot the bill 100% for college,  so I'm not suggesting she be self-supporting,  I'm suggesting she live somewhere else besides with mom and dad.  A cheap apartment with roommates,  some situation where she's not a little girl anymore.

Best wishes.

[Cosmogal]

Thank you so much for your reply. Anyway, she does have a job that is part time. It doesn't make great money but its a job and it covers her credit card, car payment and most of her insurance plus gas and other stuff. She keeps talking of getting her own place but really has no way to afford to. If she moves in with her boyfriend and his mother, my husband has made it clear to me that he will have no part in it. She gets a pretty chunk of change once her student loan kicks in and I am afraid of what she might do with it. She had nothing in terms of an apartment to even start. Kids nowadays have no idea what kind of money it takes.
My husband and I are taking them out this friday to a comedien and I hope to get to know this guy more. Maybe it will ease my husbands mind a little. I agree, I would let her go because I trust her. I just don't think I can convince my husband of this.
Thanks again!

[peekawho]

I echo AJ 1000%.  Great advice.  

[AHP84]

Well, she is going to be 20 years old, which is most certainly an adult, regardless of her maturity level.
When I read your post, it was like reading something my mom might have written about me a few years ago, at least to a degree. The situation is almost exactly the same, except that I did have regards as to what she was doing for me, providing full support for *everything* in my life.
Anyway, here's what I'd suggest based on experiences that helped my maturity.
First, tell her that she should get a part time job somewhere, and set a time frame for when she should have one. Then, cut off part of her support and make her start paying for it (i.e. cell phone, gas, and part of the grocery or utility bill). If she's gotten herself a job, she should be able to contribute to her own financial needs to realize what it takes to be an adult. If she blows you off and does not get a job by the time you've set to get one, cut off the cell phone, computer, and gas payments, and leave it all up to her. She really needs to experience financial responsibility to some degree. Believe me, it'll do wonders for her maturity level: at 18 years old, my mom moved to AL and had to leave me behind in CO until our house there sold (she had to move for a job, but had to rent a place as she moved before she found a house to buy. I had to stay behind because we had a small farm, but no where to take the animals in AL until my mom found a home with land to buy). I worked full time at Petsmart for $8/hour, and it was MY responsibility to pay the house utilities (as I was the only one using them), pay for my car maintenance and gas, pay for my food, pay for my medical co-pays and meds if I got sick, and even pay for all the animals' food and care (which meant buying dog food for 6 dogs, and hay and grain for 2 horses and 28 sheep. Hay was $7-9 a bale in CO at the time). I was barely making ends meet, but I did for 6 months. I know my mom would have helped me at any time, but only under the most dire of circumstances. I appreciate that experience SO much.
As far as the boyfriend thing, I'd say let her go. She's 20 years old. House rules are one thing, and I agree that she should respect them when she's actually in your home, but when she's outside your home doing things that concern her time and life, she should not have to worry about, "What are Mom and Dad going to do to me or think of me if I do this" at the age of 20. I mean, hopefully those thoughts will cross her mind so she stays safe and keeps her life on a good track, but she shouldn't have to worry about "child" things from you two anymore, such as being grounded. All you should emphasize with her, IMO, is that if she lives in your house, she needs to cooperate with the house rules when she's there and with the family, and that she needs to be partially financially responsible for her needs in your home.
Other than that, if you have been pushing her to get out and get a life of her own, then let her. If she wants to do it all at once and possibly "crash and burn" because she did it too quickly, then let her. She needs to learn, she needs to mature. All you need to do is be ready to back her up and support her, but ONLY under the most dire of circumstances now.
Hope this helps, and good luck!