tired of being rejected

[tingress1]

   I recently learned my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years has started using porn again. I wouldn't be bothered by it if we had a healthy sex life but he is basically rejecting me and my advances then turning around and finding relief with porn. He says he has only done it a few times when I'm "not around" but the only time I'm not around is when I'm at work and he's asleep or for an hour or two with friends. We went through this situation last year as well. (he was constantly making excuses for not wanting/being able to be intimate, etc...) We worked through it (I let him know that I can be there for the purely physical sexual needs as well as emotional encounters) and things got better. In Feb we found out I was pregnant and it's all gone down hill from there. I understand he's stressed as we didn't plan for this to happen this year. (I have stress about it too) I asked him if I was no longer attractive because I was getting bigger, he said no. I asked if he was afraid he'd hurt the baby if we had sex, he said no. he told me that he's just stressed about money, work, and the house not being clean enough. (our home is far from messy)
   After I finally asked him point blank if he had gone back to porn and he said yes, I tried to explain how that made me feel. (that it felt like a big slap in the face that affirmed that I had become an unattractive cow) He got pissy & defensive about it so I've dropped it for now. I want to work through this with him and get him to understand how much he's hurting me with this (as well as leaving for vacation for 2 weeks while I'm in my 8th month) but I'm tired of his childish reaction when I start to bring it up. It also worries me because our child is going to be born next month. Right now I feel like we are roommates, not in a bf/gf relationship even though he will still give me a hug & kiss and says "I love you". I've gotten to the point that even if he did try to initiate intimacy I'd have to decline because I'd wonder why all of a sudden he's interested now as opposed to before.

[kay2486]

i'll be honest, some men dont see their partner as a sex machine when pregnant probably because they are worried about hurting the baby and feel uncomfortable having sex,

it is difficult to find a position you both like when you are that far gone, i went off sex completely when i was 7 months gone and hated it because i felt fat and ugly so my boyf reassured me i wasnt, like your boyf is doing with you, he must love you if he cuddles and kisses you and he tells you he loves.

i would put an end to the porn when the baby is born though, and it will take weeks after the birth to start sex again, if you start to find trouble being intimate after the birth the best thing you both should do is see a councillor, good luck with baby

[AnnieBrooke]

Jim, good for you.  You're a good man and honorable to your wife, which makes you an even bigger man.  It sounds like tingress  is thinking her boyfriend is not going to go that route, or that no matter what he promises, he will sneak back.

tingress, I would go for counseling with your bf.  8 months pregnant is no time to try to have emotional conversations -- the hormones of pregnancy are emotional enough! -- so someone professional in the room will help you two to talk it over without falling down the same old slippery slides.  My guess is that the porn is uncomplicated for him and you are complex, i.e., a real person with a big issue represented by your big tummy -- not unattractiveness at all but the issue of having to grow up and wake up and smell the coffee of being a daddy and an adult.  Fear of the unknown can really slam us when a baby is coming, making us have escape fantasies and all kinds of other things.  I am sure it is not that he is looking at you and judging you physically and thinking he prefers  the babes in porn; he is looking at the whole situation and realizing he is going to suddenly have to be a responsible adult when maybe he has no idea how he'll feel about that.  See a counselor, it will really help.

[specialmom]

Ugh and double ugh.  Couple of things----------  some men really do get weirded out by their pregnant partners.   They just have a hard time with sexual interaction with them but couldn't tell you specifically why (until the end when everyone KNOWS why).  Some of that can be going on.  

But you say something else.  It is not unusual for libido to go down during times of great stress.  However, some use porn as an escape . . . kind of like their "drug".  If you suspect that is going on, he would require a therapist to help him.  Because even if porn is eliminated, he'd most likely start some other type of stress reliever that would be unhealthy.  Sometimes you can direct someone like that to exercise but often it is something like alcohol or gambling or gaming.  

Would counseling be out of the question for the two of you?  And if he suggests intimacy, I'd go ahead.  Why?  You two need intimacy as a couple.  Don't wonder why but just see it as part of your relationship that is in need of some help.  

good luck

[PromisedLand]

My wife gave me an ultimatum several months ago "me or porn"..I chose her but we've just recently reach a point where we are intimate again as I promised I'd never look at porn again, and we talked over time, and I've proven my promise to her and she is trusting me again..and I have lived up to that promise.


Jim