Aa
trust lost
I doubt that anyone out there has experienced this one. I posted a question under father-daughter relationships the other day,m but my problem is far beyond that to be honest. I have been married for seven years, wih my husband for almost nine years. My husband has a too close relationship with his daughter that started my being mistrustful of him. She is 30 years old, he has two daughters. He has admitted to me that he has more feelings for her right now at this very minute than for me--he bases tha on the fact that she doees not question him on anything as I do. I have justification for not trusting him. When we got married, he got a po box. It took me two years to get him to close it down. I just recently found out that he has two other ones that are still active. I also found out that he has an alias name (that i quetsioned him about) that continually shows up on all reports on his previous addresses. I questioned him about that three years ago. he became so irate that i questioned anything about him that he took me down to the local police department and stated what I found--they ran a credit check, came out and were very condescening towards me and dismissed the whole idea. When I recently found another po box key in his car, I decided I would hire a private investigatoi to put all of this to bed. I did not know that I was opening Pandora's box. What they found was that his alias actually was used against his own social security number, which is not a crime in and of itself, but that is was used for 25 years---they do not know why. They cannot connect the dots. Also, I work for a very prestigious company and my corporate laptop was checked and was found to have a KGB keylogger on it. Unfortunately, the computer consultant at the pi office tood the spyware off before we had a chance to trace any IP addresses or site purchases. They feel it is him, but it is only circumstantial evidence. We have been tracking his phone calls. He gets several from collection agencies and his occupation at this time is day trading. I have no idea why he does not pay off the debts, why he does not tell me about them, and feels that whatever he is trading all day long is his own business and none of mine. I do not know why I still feel like this is a mistake, that he could not possibly do what they think he has done, but they do not have absolute proof, only circumstantial evidence. I am lost, troubled and tortured b y this. They are almost done and are wrapping up their theories....any ideas/
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I guess no wife would be thrilled to learn of secrets kept from her. Hiding debt and a persons potential problems is a sign of a few things including really poor communication in the relationship and a lack of trust on both people's parts. You make yourself vulnerable by revealing your secrets and must trust you can do that safely. But agreed, I'd be quite upset to learn of such secrets from my husband.
Putting that aside, I think once we have PI's tracking our husband's every move, tracing his calls, etc. . . . well, the marriage is probably not going to recover.
Maybe he is ashamed of the debt or has some kind of problem he has difficulty talking to you about. The cloak and dagger scenarios may be off the mark and more to the tone of you being a tough cookie when displeased. (as in, I'm not sure I'd assume the absolute worst if my husband had a PO box out there in the world or that by being close to his daughter that he is sexual with her).
You've reached a crossroads. I think he would be upset at your investigating him and your upset at what you are finding. Where do you go from here? That is a tough one. The above advice is good but I'm afraid I see the writing on the wall here and it says this relationship is coming to an end. I don't think it has anything to do with his daughter but the dynamics between the two of you. I'm sorry, I hope I am wrong. good luck.
Putting that aside, I think once we have PI's tracking our husband's every move, tracing his calls, etc. . . . well, the marriage is probably not going to recover.
Maybe he is ashamed of the debt or has some kind of problem he has difficulty talking to you about. The cloak and dagger scenarios may be off the mark and more to the tone of you being a tough cookie when displeased. (as in, I'm not sure I'd assume the absolute worst if my husband had a PO box out there in the world or that by being close to his daughter that he is sexual with her).
You've reached a crossroads. I think he would be upset at your investigating him and your upset at what you are finding. Where do you go from here? That is a tough one. The above advice is good but I'm afraid I see the writing on the wall here and it says this relationship is coming to an end. I don't think it has anything to do with his daughter but the dynamics between the two of you. I'm sorry, I hope I am wrong. good luck.
Actually on second thought, annie that is good advice, and leaving the father - daughter inappropriate relationship idea out of the conversation is a good idea. Any guy accused of that - if its not true - is going to be outraged, and that conversation will not go well! Good advice anniebrooke.
I agree with Perch about sitting down and telling the husband that you are uncomfortable with the dishonesty regarding money and his debts and his trading. But I don't agree with telling him that this has made you so worried that you have also jumped to the conclusion that there is something inappropriate about the relationship with his daughter. If you want to mention the relationship with his daughter, just tell him that his closeness to her casts his lack of closeness with you into sharp relief, and it troubles you a lot. If you accuse them of incest, he will just go into uproar and doubtless try to convince you that you are crazy about everything, the incest and the shadiness with his identity and money, and all. Since you know something funny is going on about his identity and his so-called day trading, you don't need to be hooked into a fight about that. (If things got really heated, you might be convinced to reveal how you know what you know, and then it would all REALLY hit the fan.) Again, him saying he is not feeling close to you, added to all the identity weirdness, would be enough for me, I'd get out.
It does sound like your husband has some outstanding debts and trading practices that he is not being honest with you about.
I did see your other post. (That I responded to).
I don't want to upset you but please hear me out..... in your other post you believed your husband may be having a insestuous sexual relationship with his daughter because you saw him wash paint off her elbows, and she slept in your empty bed when you and your husband were away. As was discussed in that post that I and specialmom responded to - that it a BIG jump of an assumption from that evidence.
In this new post, it did stand out to me that your husband got so irate with your questioning that he took you to the local police station, and the police man was 'condecending' and 'dismissed' the whole idea.
Now please bear in mind I'm NOT saying this to make you mad but perhaps make you think of this from another angle.
It DOES sound like your husband has some outstanding debts that he is not being honest about, and his 'trading' buisness sounds shady he is maybe hiding something there. The laptop thing also sounds strange - but as you say there is no proof he touched it.
I really think you need to sit your husband down and explain to him that you know he is not being honest with you about his debts and financial situation and his trading, and it is making you jump to many conclusions, even a possible inappropriate relationship with his adult daughter. Who knows - he may then completely come clean to his bad financial situation and trading and you will both feel a lot better and you could both find happiness (and save a marriage). I know the private investigator you hired is telling you he may be involved in something very very bad - but remember you are paying them - probably quite well - it's a good financial move for them if they tell you they need to keep looking.
It really does sound like he is hiding things from you - but perhaps its not as bad as you are imagining, and perhaps because he really is hiding debs and lying about it/covering it up it is making you paranoid about him.
However - if you ask him to come clean and he still won't or keeps giving you the run around - then I would take anniebrooks advise and make a dignified exit from the marriage. You don't need a dishonest husband that is making you constantly worried.
I really do wish you good luck getting to the bottom of it.
Kind Regards,
Perch.
I did see your other post. (That I responded to).
I don't want to upset you but please hear me out..... in your other post you believed your husband may be having a insestuous sexual relationship with his daughter because you saw him wash paint off her elbows, and she slept in your empty bed when you and your husband were away. As was discussed in that post that I and specialmom responded to - that it a BIG jump of an assumption from that evidence.
In this new post, it did stand out to me that your husband got so irate with your questioning that he took you to the local police station, and the police man was 'condecending' and 'dismissed' the whole idea.
Now please bear in mind I'm NOT saying this to make you mad but perhaps make you think of this from another angle.
It DOES sound like your husband has some outstanding debts that he is not being honest about, and his 'trading' buisness sounds shady he is maybe hiding something there. The laptop thing also sounds strange - but as you say there is no proof he touched it.
I really think you need to sit your husband down and explain to him that you know he is not being honest with you about his debts and financial situation and his trading, and it is making you jump to many conclusions, even a possible inappropriate relationship with his adult daughter. Who knows - he may then completely come clean to his bad financial situation and trading and you will both feel a lot better and you could both find happiness (and save a marriage). I know the private investigator you hired is telling you he may be involved in something very very bad - but remember you are paying them - probably quite well - it's a good financial move for them if they tell you they need to keep looking.
It really does sound like he is hiding things from you - but perhaps its not as bad as you are imagining, and perhaps because he really is hiding debs and lying about it/covering it up it is making you paranoid about him.
However - if you ask him to come clean and he still won't or keeps giving you the run around - then I would take anniebrooks advise and make a dignified exit from the marriage. You don't need a dishonest husband that is making you constantly worried.
I really do wish you good luck getting to the bottom of it.
Kind Regards,
Perch.
You have two issues
1. Your husband said his daughter means more to him than you do.
2. He has aliases, PO boxes, is angry and hostile when you mention them, and something was compromised about your laptop.
He could have aliases and a PO box if he is living a double life for romantic reasons, or for financial reasons. He could also have them if there is an espionage link, far-fetched as this must seem to you. If you really think there is an espionage link, you have every reason to be very quiet about what you think when you are talking to him. As long as he would think you don't know anything, your ignorance is really your safety.
But dropping all the fanciful possibilities, focus on item number 1. Do you want to be married to a man who does not put you as the main priority in his life? If my husband told me he has more feelings for his kid than for me, I would be gone. I might not even blame him, if I was recent in his life, since I have a child myself and feel like kids always get the short end of the stick when a parent gets remarried. But it would not be an acceptable situation to me even so. (I guess that what I am saying is that I would not marry a man with minor kids unless I loved them just as much as he did, and I would even think twice about marrying someone with kids who are adults if the relationships are so close that I would always feel like a 3rd wheel.) Why did you accept 3rd wheel status in the first place? Were you that eager to get married? Being alone and happy is better than being married and feeling discounted. And he has come out and told you that you feeling discounted is not just in your mind, he really *does* care more about his child than you.
For the reasons in the above paragraph alone, I would make a quiet, dignified exit. Divorce is a solution, if the marriage simply brings you an empty feeling of being unloved. And then if it turns out, a while down the road, that he is arrested for something having to do with his other alias, you are also gone from that without having to be embroiled in it. You can always say "I left because he did not love me enough, and said as much."
1. Your husband said his daughter means more to him than you do.
2. He has aliases, PO boxes, is angry and hostile when you mention them, and something was compromised about your laptop.
He could have aliases and a PO box if he is living a double life for romantic reasons, or for financial reasons. He could also have them if there is an espionage link, far-fetched as this must seem to you. If you really think there is an espionage link, you have every reason to be very quiet about what you think when you are talking to him. As long as he would think you don't know anything, your ignorance is really your safety.
But dropping all the fanciful possibilities, focus on item number 1. Do you want to be married to a man who does not put you as the main priority in his life? If my husband told me he has more feelings for his kid than for me, I would be gone. I might not even blame him, if I was recent in his life, since I have a child myself and feel like kids always get the short end of the stick when a parent gets remarried. But it would not be an acceptable situation to me even so. (I guess that what I am saying is that I would not marry a man with minor kids unless I loved them just as much as he did, and I would even think twice about marrying someone with kids who are adults if the relationships are so close that I would always feel like a 3rd wheel.) Why did you accept 3rd wheel status in the first place? Were you that eager to get married? Being alone and happy is better than being married and feeling discounted. And he has come out and told you that you feeling discounted is not just in your mind, he really *does* care more about his child than you.
For the reasons in the above paragraph alone, I would make a quiet, dignified exit. Divorce is a solution, if the marriage simply brings you an empty feeling of being unloved. And then if it turns out, a while down the road, that he is arrested for something having to do with his other alias, you are also gone from that without having to be embroiled in it. You can always say "I left because he did not love me enough, and said as much."
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