Relationship with girlfriend who has Fibromyalgia

[nairda1]

Firstly - I am posting this question on this forum because it has to do with complications dating a girl with Fibromyalgia and possible mental disorders both related to and not related to her condition.

For the past 2 ½ months I have been dating a girl with severe fibromyalgia and chronic pain. The 1st month was very good – our relationship clicked – we got along well, had similar interests, always loved to talk to each other, and the sex was phenomenal.  By the 2nd month, things started to change primarily because of the fact that the pain from her fibromyalgia had become so bad that her behavior changed. Our communication literally went to nil. She would only text, never call, and we hardly spoke other than a few text messages a day – typically her complaining about her pain, etc. I’m not making light of her pain, I was (and still am) very sympathetic towards her situation – but it’s extremely difficult because we didn’t even communicate, which is a basic building block of a relationship, I never asked for much more.

Several times, when we did talk, she was emotional and said that she appreciated everything I wanted to do for her, but that she couldn’t drag me into her nightmare life – and essentially gave me a “way out”. I of course refused to take that road, because even though she may have been right, I could not let things end like that and give up on her. I am a very positive person and wanted to do what I could to help her – even though there’s no cure for her situation. Essentially, she could barely take care of herself much less maintain a relationship – and I can’t help but think that I was being greedy because I didn’t want to lose her. I did not know the HALF of the story – which I will now get into:

She confessed to me that the reason our communication went dead and she was pushing me away was because of the heightened pain to where she could barely walk, wasn’t functioning cognizantly, was very irritable 99% of the time, etc. etc. She then said that for about 2 weeks she contemplated suicide, and even wrote notes to me and several family members and almost took a razor to her wrists, but of course she stopped. When she told me I started crying immediately. Now, on top of all the doctors she’s seeing for her fibromyalgia, she is now seeing a psychologist – where she uncovered that there has been a lot of stuff that has happened from her past that cumulatively may have built up inside her that she’s never addressed (past relationships, sexual abuse, etc). And she is displaying symptoms similar to PTSD. And couple that with the fibromyalgia pain, she has both physical AND mental/psychological issues.

The turning point for me was when we had an argument about her accusing me of flirting with my best friend’s girlfriend (who is also my friend) on my 2nd date with my girlfriend, because I wanted her to meet my friends. We argued mainly because she wasn’t asking me if I liked the girl or not, but because she was “telling” me that I did what I did and I can’t tell her otherwise. At that point I realize I am dealing with a potentially bipolar girl (or some version of that condition), because she has created a situation in her head that is absolutely untrue and I cannot tell her otherwise that she’s delusional. It screams insecurity issues, and reflects an underlying mental disorder that I can no longer deal with. I am a guy who never has and does not believe in cheating, or disrespecting a girl I’m dating. She on the other hand has told me she’s been cheated on many times, and has even cheated herself in the past.   It is not fair for her to project her past into my life, especially the way she went about it.  And I know that she has these mental and physical impairments, but I cannot keep making that excuse for her, because I am now unhappy as a result….. I care for her deeply, possibly love her (but not IN love with her) --- but a 2 ½ or 3 month relationship with these issues may not be worth it. Because while I feel sympathetic towards her, I always said I wouldn’t abandon her because of her fibromyalgia, etc…but because of other issues and unfortunately the person she really is is coming out and I am not attracted to her. My happiness is now being sacrificed because I feel sorry for her or sympathetic towards her. My friends think I have a “savior” complex, which is why I find it hard to sever my ties with this one.

My quandary is this – I now know that I want to break up with her, but knowing she is just coming off of a suicidal attempt and has scores of other bad things going on in her life – how do I do this tactfully? I do not want to hurt her, and still care about her and wish her the best. But I can no longer do that as her boyfriend. Or is this not even an option? I don’t think she will apologize for her most recent behavior – and in a way I don’t want her to. Because I no longer want to be with her. But I am not a bad person and I truly care about her. How can I be both? OH – and her birthday is less than 2 weeks away. Talk about pressure and timing! Any advice – anyone know of relationships where one person has had fibromyalgia coupled with psychological trauma, etc…. really quickly about me – I’m about as straight-laced as they get, drama-free, no baggage (well, minimal baggage). We are both 29 years old.

[Drifter17]

I am a male, 36 years old.  In late 2012 at the age of 35 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  I had suffered for a few years with chronic pain, depression, "fibro fog" etc...  I suffered a catastrophic injury in the late 2000's being a fractured L2 torn muscles and other bulged disks in my lumbar spine.  Later I was diagnosed with severe PTSD over another incident from that time period.

It has become well known that both physical injuries and PTSD/Emotional Trauma can cause Fibromyalgia.  I have caught myself doing the same thing you have discussed with my GF.  I have tried to push her away, I have been suicidal (though never attempted), I have caught myself being negative to the point where she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  Her constant talking about the pain is NORMAL in Fibro sufferers.  It is a way to mitigate the pain.  Lack of self confidence is also a normal issue, I'm sure you can see some of this in her behavior.

You have to understand that unless you suffer from this disease/condition you cannot possibly understand how debilitating it really is.  Some times while driving down the road my GF will put her hand on mine just a comfort measure and I will jerk my hand away.  It is purely a pain related reflex but it hurts her too.  It is a struggle just to get out of bed and function, much less go to work, go to college, do house work, and function normally in society.

I am convinced "though I have absolutely no scientific evidence, only my own experiences with this condition" that Fibromyalgia is caused by long term exposure to pain.  It can be physical, emotional, or both.  Much like long term depression changes the chemical balance in your brain to keep you depressed.  I believe this condition changes the chemical balance in your brain and heightens your perception of pain.  Anyone who has Fibromyalgia should be on at least a mild anti-depressant and prescribed some kind of prescription pain medication.  At least until they figure out something to counteract the overactive nerves.          

[barak93]

Hi Nardia! I read the posts and learned about your struggle. I am curious of what happened to your relationship after 2 years.. are you guys still together? I had a similar relationship for 2.5 years that I ended 3 months ago.

[nairda1]

thanks again to all for your feedback. just an update -- it's been over a week and she still refuses to want to have this conversation with me... we have barely communicated and I feel completely alienated from her. In retrospect, this has allowed me to realize that walking away is the right thing to do. Like with all things, time is the biggest healer (in this case, for me) and her lack of wanting to have this "relationship conversation" speaks volumes for the direction that we need to go.  I have stopped forcing the issue and am back to living my life, I just hope she comes around and has the conversation so that we can have closure... but again there's not much else I can do at this point.

[nairda1]

Fair enough - yes I have given it some thought. I have received some wonderful feedback in this forum thus far, but am not saying I would not look for some form of professional therapy as well to help myself, as I am the only one I ultimately have any control over changing behaviors, etc.

[Londres70]

Not to be rude, but have you ever thought about going to therapy yourself for this co-dependent behavior of yours?  I think you would benefit from it and it would perhaps give you professional ideas/answers to help you to cope with this relationship issue or ways to move on.    

All I see in your posts is about her need for therapy, etc.    

[nairda1]

to deadgamegrrl – thank you for sharing. This is what my GF does as well, although a lot of the time she retreats or goes into hiding, so to speak, without letting me (or anyone else) know. Of course this triggers my caring side, and while I respect her decision to be alone for hours, or days on end, it always bothered me that she didn’t let me know or even respond to a call or text msg from me asking if she’s ok. A lot of ppl say it’s inexcusable not to at least acknowledge even a text msg from her boyfriend (me) – and this started the spiral of ruined communication between us.

It does seem that my gf is exhibiting a lot of what you mentioned when you were younger – unnecessary drama, low self-esteem, depression….except she has not, up until now, sought therapy and it may take a lot longer for her to make her that better person that you ultimately became. I just need to start pulling myself back out of the mud and back to my normal level of sanity (fortunately for me I have always been even-keeled, which is telling to me how much her life has affected mine by dragging it down to where I am now). In her defense, she did not mean to drag me down – in fact, she warned me several times to get out before our feelings became too deep – but that was impossible for me to understand without knowing what I know now. She told me I seem to have a perfect life, and she can’t imagine why someone from the ‘outside’ would want to take this on, and that she would ruin my life b/c it is out of her control. And while I care about her still, our arguments are not healthy, especially for her by adding that stress to her life…and I’m comfortable with being more patient and accommodating, but agreeing with manufactured realities like she’s doing, especially at the cost of my own personal integrity, is something I cannot (and should not) do. I guess even if she ends up apologizing, it is likely to happen again because there’s an underlying reason for what she said (low self-esteem, past episodes of being cheated on, insecurities and overall depression).

[deadgamegrrl]

I have pretty much whittled my circle of friends to a core group that I know will be there for me, but I have lost a few people in the past due to my depression, not so much from me pushing them out the door, just that they were unable to deal with the mental health issues that are a part of me.  I was sorry to lose the friendships but I know myself and know I will always be struggling with 'staying out of the dark place' and the people that don't want or are unable to be a part of that for whatever reason would have disappeared at some point anyway.
I guess what I mean is I don't create 'trauma drama' around me I just reatreat to my own quiet place until I can deal with the world again.  People around me don't experience me turning on them or acting out randomly; if I am having an awful time I just say 'I need some time alone, my pain is really getting the best of me' or something along those lines.

When I was younger I did create a lot of (unnecessary) drama that was loosely linked to my untreated depression and low self-esteem issues from my wacky childhood.  Years of therapy have made me a much better person and more consistent friend/partner.

It seems the problems with this girl are more of the fact that she is not communicating what she truly wants, and if she does and you in fact take her at her word, she will shift on you and you will end up getting punished for just trying to help.  And the manufactured drama about the flirting sounds just like my previous relationship.  I was once told that I had said something (hurtful) that not only did I not say, it is something I would never say.  But if she said it, it had to be true.  By the end I would have agreed that a white wall was bright purple because there was just no disagreeing.

Unfortunately, these personalities can definitely light up the nurturing, want to make things better side of our brains.  But what I found out was instead of helping the one in trouble, I ended up sinking down into the mud with them and damaged my own (fragile) sanity.

~~ dgg

[nairda1]

thanks for the feedback. Although my question was more - were you upset if someone walked away for good following your attempts at isolation, moreso than just leaving you alone for that day, or a few days. Whether if that was any loved one - boyfriend, close friend, family member, etc... I was more concerned about the reaction of "abandonment" or someone "not wanting to deal with you anymore". That has to hurt, even though it is something the FMS sufferer is prob understanding of...heck, my GF even told me once she can't understand how someone from the outside would want to deal with her nightmare.

But yes, the complications of her mental well-being exacerbate the situation. And while I feel she's slowly taking the steps to seek treatment, etc...it is still doomed because I don't think our relationship can weather the storm until she gets to that point. And i tell all my friends I guess I am a nice guy but I'm not a saint -- I am human and I've reached a tipping point. I guess I'm slowly realizing (after all of the posts to my question here) that a 3-month relationship is not the same as a marriage or a longer-term relationship, and I shouldn't feel the same guilt of backing away as a committed husband should....but it's just what I'm experiencing right now.

[deadgamegrrl]

As far as fibro goes, it is a real mess to deal with.  I hope that she will consider counseling specifically geared towards control of the pain and other symptoms, as well as counseling for her  overall mental health needs.  But...she has to want this for her.  Fibro will wax and wane, flares may last a few days, a few weeks or longer.  Stress generally aggravates the pain, so stress relief techniques are sorely needed (which brings us back to therapy again).  People with fibro often have depression either because of CNS malfunctioning or just because they feel so awful all the time and can't do many things they used to enjoy.  
When I isolate myself its usually because I'm depressed and just want to deal with my dogs and no people.  However, I don't get upset with anyone for leaving me alone, because that is how I chose to deal with my situation.  I try to always own my own behavior whether good or bad, but it often takes a lot of therapy to get to that point.  Been there, done that and doing it again!
I realy think that she has mental health issues beyond depression, whether bipolar or one of the personality disorders just based on what you shared originally.  A relationship with someone like that is pretty much doomed if they do not seek treatment on their own and gain an understanding of how and why they are creating their own problems and generally being their own worst enemy.  As I mentioned, I had a past relationship like this and it could (and often did) turn on a dime with some imagined slight.  There was constant upheaval and drama, and amazingly it was NEVER the other person's fault :-).
I wish you luck in backing away!

[brice1967]

You are on the right track.  There is a lot to be said about bowing out gracefully.  In this particular circumstance, in my opinion, is probably the right thing to do.

And to back that up, you've already got the thought that it is time to move on.  I think it is real important to follow instinct.  (Wish I had the ability to follow mine.... not doing that almost cost me dearly.)

If you are beginning to have anger issues, it really is time to move forward.  You've got a lifetime to look forward too, and doing it angry is a pity.

[nairda1]

Brice1967 - thank you again for the encouragement. I read up something called "White Knight Syndrome" which sort of describes who I am in trying to rescue. Quite interesting.

The general consensus is to break up with her. I would welcome an arms-length involvement, but with the current developments of her psyche and stuff going on in her life, she may not want me to be a part of her life and I cannot force that. If she wants to think I am uncaring or insensitive for wanting out, so be it. I know in my heart of hearts I tried everything I could (most of which I wasn't even obligated to). But lately I feel myself angry and having a much shorter temper than normal (I'm usually as laid back as they get) around her, and that's a telltale sign.

This fairy tale will in all likelihood end up a nightmare for both of us, and while it is extremely sad - by trying to help/save her I am losing myself in the process. It's nice to hear you and other posters tell me my needs are just as (if not more) important than my rescuing attempts, because sometimes that gets lost and I feel that since I am 100% healthy and have it together, I can afford a little sacrifice for someone on the opposite end of the spectrum as me.

[brice1967]

I believe the above 2 posters, Rock Rose and deadgamegrrl have really said what is necessary here.  You are NOT obilgated to try to save this person.  You are however obligated to be upfront and honest.

I think that you can be a support system for this person, but I also think it can be done at arms length.  Becoming more involved, trying too hard to save this person almost seems like a fruitless endeavor.  What is necessary is for this person to want help from professionals, get that help, and do all of the follow through.... whether it is medication, regular check ups, any number of different therapies.... this person has to want to do the work in order to get better.  It can't happen on its own, and you cannot bring that to her.

This really is quite the prickly pear.  I totally understand your compassion in this matter.  I too like to be a "helper" but maybe not as much a "rescuer".  I think that is very noble and a truly wonderful trait, but there really is only so much you can do.  

Again, I mean no disrespect when I say this... but in this case, it looks a bit like setting yourself up for failure.  I think you need to put your needs closer to the top of the list than they are currently set.  As noble as it is to be a rescuer, there really is only so much you can do.  You can put a lifetime of effort into this, and if she is not receptive for doing her part, your efforts are all for not.  That isn't fair to you or her.

I see this as wanting to develop into this fairy tale ending.  You get her all of the help and support that she needs, gets healthy, and you both live a life together happily ever after.  It takes two to tango, however.  I am not saying that it cannot happen, but there is a lot of rocks in this road, and you don't have to bow out completely... arms length, remember?  Be supportive and do what you can.... but she has to hop on board too.  You can have all of the hope in the world, but she may be in a completely different fairly tale than you.

Good luck....

[nairda1]

to deadgamegrrl -- thanks for the insight being someone who has Fibro and may understand my gf's point of view. A lot of what my gf is exhibiting seems to be classic symptoms based on my reading and research into Fibro/depression, etc... It is hard for me as a "rescuer" to completely separate, but I do fear that I've started to lose myself if the process, even though it's only been a 3-month relationship. I guess I feel if I don't continue on the "rescuing" path I feel I have quit or given up and it's not who I am -- e.g. I don't want to quit on her, and then months later she is a lot better and I feel like a heel for giving up. But the truth of the matter is someone with the extent of Fibro she has will not rebound totally, and even if she does it will be temporary b/c there are deeper issues like I mentioned. As someone who's been there, do you mind if I ask how you ultimately dealt with ppl (family, loved ones, boyfriends, etc) who so badly want to help you and you push them away? If that person left b/c you pushed them away, were you resentful that they didn't stick with you?

to RockRose -- I have dated girls who didn't need rescuing and are more my counterparts. Those didn't work out for whatever other reasons, but I am not afraid or anxious being around girls like that. But I have been a "rescuer" to several gf's in the past - perhaps it isn't coincidence, but you can't help who you meet or like. This latest one just happens to take the cake, and perhaps fortunately I found out just 3 months into it rather than a lot later on.

[deadgamegrrl]

I have Fibro and I have had severe depressive episodes since I was a child.  That said, you are not responsible for her!  She may or may not be bipolar (I was in a previous relationship was with someone who was bipolar) but ultimately she is responsible fo herself.  
That said, if you are in pain all the time you tend to isolate yourself, and the same goes for when you are depressed.  I do this, even when I know no good will come from it.  When you feel like crap, you really don't want to involve someone else in your drama.
However, it appears that she is trying to force the issue by threatening suicide.  This is a non-starter.  You cannot be responsible for what she does (this is coming from someone who has been there).
If you had been together for years I would probably taking a different view, but 3 months: run.
And yes, you are a 'rescuer'.  I have been that too and it ends badly...every time.  You can be supportive, but don't lose yourself in the process.  Hope this helps.

~~dgg

[RockRose]

nairda,  you're not obligated to even have done anything to "try" to make it work.  You're obligated to be honest with her,  and to treat her with respect, all that stuff,  but once things start going sour you're under zero obligation to go out of your way to fix things and make the relationship work.

Dating is the time when you observe.  You just observe whether the person is right for you,  and if they aren't,  that's fine,  no harm done.  You move on and observe someone else to see if they're the right match.

I really think it's a big mistake to work very hard on a dating relationship.   It works or it doesn't.  Trying to force it to fit isn't in your best interests.

You can head for the hills with your head up even if you had done nothing at all to be accommodating.

Best wishes.

(BTW,  if you typically are a "rescuer",  work on that.  Men who are rescuers don't usually feel like they can attract and hold a woman who isn't kind of a mess,  and in need.  You sound like a nice enough guy - does it make you anxious to be around women who want you but don't need you to rescue them?)

[nairda1]

brice1967 -- I'm not offended by your perspective at all. I can safely rule those scenarios out...I have been to her place, have met her family, etc...  perhaps I'm being naive, but for arguments sake let's say that I'm correct. We also move in very different circles so I don't think it has to do with that, but it was a valid point you brought up.

I'm still left with having to deal with someone riddled with fibro, ptsd, depression (with suicidal thoughts), possible bipolar tendencies, etc. and my concern is how to move forward from here. I think the general consensus is I need to run for the hills, and I can hold my head high because I truly have done all I can and it wasn't for lack of trying. But this IS going to get worse and you're right she's bound to be a mess (if she isn't already).

[brice1967]

I'm going to come at you from a different angle completely with this.  I mean no disrespect to her or you.  If she indeed is bi-polar, has ptsd, and fibro.... she is bound to be a mess.

How well do you really know this person?  I mean, have you been to her place?  Have you met her family?  I understand how bipolar and ptsd both work.  I've known people with either.... what I am trying to get at is, what is the possibility that she is either married or involved with somebody else?  She may have been weird about meeting your friends by the risk of getting caught out by her friends or a potential (other) significant other.

Again, I mean no disrespect.....

If she was, that could easily account for the limited texts and very limited conversations....

[nairda1]

RockRose -- I see where you're coming from. My previous concern in August is indeed a separate issue, however.

Regarding your 3 month comment - absolutely, this is what all of my friends tell me. I may have too big of a heart and a "savior" complex, which I don't see as a compliment to me in this case, but more of a problem I have. I am now choosing not to have my happiness be affected by her, which it now has. I'm both scared for her and scared for how it's going to affect me if I "walk away" from her, even though I'm entitled to....

thanks for your feedback!

[RockRose]

Reading through your profile,  does this shed any light on why your family didn't approve of her in August?  Maybe they could see things you couldn't,  at the time.

You don't owe a girl you've been seeing 3 months anything at all,  nairda.  If you married her and then she changed this way,  you'd be obligated.  Or if she were your daughter you'd be obligated to take care of her and stick it out whatever it takes.

Best wishes.

[nairda1]

--to add to my post, for anyone suffering from fibromyalgia, please don't think I am insensitive. I have tried to be as sensitive and caring as possible, and have done so much. I have just reached a boiling point because of what I perceive to be side effects of her condition and pushing people away, to where I am pushed so far I am out the door, because I am thinking about my own mental stability and sanity at the tail end of a 3-month long relationship.