why would my boyfriend still want to visit strip clubs?

[jennykate]

I ladies and gents I'm back w another question cus u guys were so helpful to me last time.

My bf & I have a good relationship. No major issues besides lil arguments here and there over silly things. However, I'm having an issue w him still feeling the need to go to strip clubs and watch porn occasionally. I discussed it w him and he sees nothing wrong w it. He said he doesn't see the big deal & its not like we are married. So, he still has some freedom to go to places like that.

To me though its disrespectful! I feel once u get in a serious relationship some behaviors should stop. Whether we r married or not I don't believe a man in a serious relationship should be going to strip clubs & watching porn. Espically if u have someone who can fulfill are ur sexual needs.

It just pisses me off and he says that I'm the one for him & he never wants to be w any other girl, but how  can say all of that when he goes out and do things that single men do.

He told me I'm over exaggerating everything & that sometimes guys go to strip clubs just as a social thing to do w one another. Any advice ladies am I overreacting here?

[jennykate]

You guys both make valid points, but specialmom I'm gonna try your point system and see how that goes. I feel that may be able to help us compromise more on this!

Thanx ladies & gents for the advice!

[specialmom]

Yes, I think the biggest issue that I see is that he knows you don't like it and that he isn't willing to entertain a compromise.  Here is something you can think about for conflict in a relationship.  All relationships have them and really when  you mesh two lives together-------- there could be a million a day.  So what you should do is assign a scale to things.  Say 1 to 10 with 1 being something you couldn't care less about and 10 being something that is the most important to you, a deal breaker, something you will NOT compromise on.  You can only have just a very few 10's.  Then he does the same thing.  So you can take something and you give it a number and he gives it a number.  If going to a stip club is on the level of a 1 through 4 for him and it is a 8 through 10 for you----------- when he looks at it that way, he may be able to give it up and compromise on it (say------------ he'd only go if it is a buddy's bachelor party so it is once in a blue moon or if he now goes once a month, he can go twice a year------  if you can live with that . . . whatever compromise is acceptable to both).  

Now if it is a 10 to you and an 8 to him----------  there is very little wiggle room.  But few things end up that way.  So think of conflict in those terms and it will give you direction of how to proceed.  Like I said, not everything can be a 10-------- but when it is, it is important to you.  good luck

[teko]

Honestly, if you two are in an exclusive relationship then I think with him knowing how his actions make you feel, he putting you over his own desires would be the expected thing to do. I mean, what is more important to him, you or the strip joints?

I also think that you should not compromise yourself, or your feelings if they are that strong.

I think you need to sit down and talk and tell him honestly how you feel and if this is something that you cannot work out, it may be a sign of incompatibility that will always be an issue. You need more than hormones to make a relationship work, and if he can not show you the respect you seek, he is not worth the effort. But one thing I do know, you should never compromise yourself on something so important to you. Me personally would have to move on and find someone with the same core values about a relationship, that I have.

[jennykate]

Yea, its more of a disrespect thing w me. I told him to me its like cheating...which may be extreme to compare the two, but that's how I feel. Ur going to look at other women when u clearly have me.

I don't know how else to approach the situation cus clearly my opinion isn't mattering on this topic. should I give him some sort of choice like its either me or strip clubs? Should I just leave the issue alone & bring it up only if he goes again?

[Redhenful]

He IS being disrespectful.... not because hes watching porn and going to strip clubs...
But because its something that bothers you and you asked him not to do it...
Therefore hes not respecting your wishes and hes hurting you...

If my husband ever didnt respect my wishes on something like that... well.. i would not be married anymore because i would know just HOW important i really was/was'nt to him....

[teko]

A couple of things stick out at me. You said he told you that he did not see anything wrong with it cause you were not married. So, is he saying he is not devoted to your relationship like he would be to a marriage? Secondly, I think it depends on what the couple enduring this issue think about it, as to whether it is wrong or not. Some people like specialmom dont like it much but are comfortable enuff in their relationship that an occasional bout doesnt do harm. Others, like you see it as a sign that your not good enuff for your man somehow. Me, I see it as an issue of respect. This and other things are what we do when we are not committed to someone and try to get it out of our system before that committment is made. I think in answering one question you will discover how innocent it really is to your mate. If it were you and your friends going to a strip club with male dancers, would he see it as harmless because you are not married? If he thinks it ok for him but not you then there is something wrong with it and he is giving you a load of bs.

However, I had a friend who was married and when she met her hubby she was a topless dancer. They married, had children and the whole time he would go to strip clubs and it never bothered her at all, sometimes she would go as well and dance and strip as well. Neither of them saw it as being a problem and actually enhanced their sex lives. They both had an affair or two along the line but forgave each other and are still together to this day. So me personally, yeah I think its wrong and disrespectful, but as the story about my friend shows, to each their own.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, I do think there are men-------- married and single--------- that look at porn and hit an occasional strip club and it is not a big deal.  It's something to do and entertains them briefly.  Would I love it if my man bolted off to a strip club often?  No.  I wouldn't.  Now he's gone a couple times in our over 10 years of marriage for various reasons------- bachelor parties and believe it or not, a boss who wanted to go.  He's not really into it and honestly, I trust him.  I really do.  Do you trust your boyfriend?  What are you afraid he'll do?  Like I said, I wouldn't like it and didn't enjoy the few times my husband has gone.  Luckily, it is not a social thing with him and his buddies (yikes)----------  and he isn't into porn.  So I don't have to really think about it much--------- but I guess you should think about what you are comfortable with and if it is worth laying down the law----- so to speak-----  over this.  
How much does it bother you?