Mot, my friend,
I agree with you. You are right I had no insertion of any kind. And that pretty much means my risks are only for the skin-contact ones (HSV, Syphilis, etc.) and even those are only theoretical risk and I've already tested negative for those.
I have hung on to fears about bacterial infections because she ground her very wet vagina on my thigh/high area, thinking maybe it could have worked its way up into my urethra from there. Pure fantasy, most likely impossible. I think there's a part of us that LIKES to hold on to these fantasies so we can indulge in more anxiety. Right now, anxiety is what we know and what we feed on.
I agree, because you had insertion, your risk was higher.
But on the other hand, your insertion was only brief oral sex, right? So not super risky.
And, wow, your negative test list is a lot more impressive than even mine is (and I have already gone above and beyond). All those negative tests HAVE to mean something, right?
I wish you luck with your subterfuge to get another round of free tests. And I bet them will all come back negative. But I also wish you luck in stopping testing and moving forward when everything comes back negative.
I'm actually mostly interested in talking about CPPS with you now (and moving forward and forgiving ourselves and being normal again). That seems like a very persuasive explanation. I was surprised when I read you talking about some of the pains I feel too--like down the back of the leg.
I am doing my best to relax and be normal. I have actually had some limited success--the last 2 or maybe even 3 nights were the first nights in 2.5 months when I could sit back and watch some TV and actually have the show mostly maintain my interest. Yesterday at work I was pretty productive and mostly thought about work. I've begun to think more about sex in a healthy way with my partner, and have even been waking up with an erection a few times now (for a while I thought my penis was absolutely non-reactive, it was weird).
I'm also becoming convinced that being on MedHelp is now largely a negative for me. I will stop it soon at some point. It's definitely a dual-edged sword, because you can read someone say "no chance for that" and it feels good, then you read on and find something that scares you again. I think right now my main interest in MedHelp is seeing you through your negative tests and hoping we can address our anxiety. So, I'm looking forward to hearing your results and I wish you the best.
I imagine you have a great family if you're so worried to lose them. I do too. I really want to get back to them mentally after my long, anxiety-ridden departure. I bet you do too. I think we have to realize that although our health fears were real and we wanted to make sure we were keeping our partners safe, we also have indulged in a measure of irrational and somewhat-indulgent self-hatred and have allowed ourselves to become crying babies over nothing (or, at least that's how I feel about myself, I don't want to make judgments about you and I admit you DID have insertion and therefore a higher risk than I did).
So, hang in there and keep us posted. Good luck.
Update.
Went back to the clinic today. Used false name and address. I was seen by one of the consultants doctors as I said that I had symptoms. She had a really good look at me. She did note that there was a little mucus on the head of penis but said it looked normal. She took 2 swabs from my urethra and had it looked at under the microscope. 20 mins later I had my results.....all clear. No wbc or below 5wbc. That is 3 clear swab tests now. 4 if you include the very first test when I went in March. Swab tests as follows
March 18th. Swab taken 2 weeks after encounter = all clear
March 30th. Swab taken again. Wbc between 5 and 10. Only just over. Consultant said he would not have treated me for this due to lack of discharge.
April 20th. Swab taken = all clear. Doctor said some wbc there but below 5wbc so was clear. This obviously freaked me out as I was told they seen some wbc even though was in normal range. Anxiety takes over.
May 11th. Swab test taken = all clear. No wbc observed at all though I did question the way in which the swab was done. It was performed very quickly. I went away happy but In my anxious state I naturally doubted the results of the test.
June 15th. Went back to clinic. Refused swab test but done urine dipstick test. Completely clear.
Today. Swab done. A really thorough swab I might add. All clear.
I am now 90% convinced I didn't have any ngu to begin with. I strongly suspect that this is all due to anxiety and stress. As Dr hands field puts it. (Genitally focused anxiety)
I will do my best to put this horrible experience behind me now. I have to accept the results of all these tests and move on. I have some cognitive behavioural therapy sessions coming up soon. Hopefully they can help me deal with my anieties and give me the mental tools to think positively about things rather than always dwelling on the negatives.
NGUworries, I would listen to your doctors. There really is nothing that you could of got from your exposure. Trust me. Even with my anxiety, I would not be concerned in the slightest. I hope you are able to work through your worries and move on with your life as I will try to do. It really brings it home how much our wives and families mean to us when we mess up like this. It's just not worth it. We are wealthy men. Sometimes we just forget it and let our penis rule our heads.
Peace brother.
Nguworries. Having read your story. I highly doubt that you have anything at all to worry about. From what I gather. You didn't have and insertive contact at all. I would not be at all concerned about that. I, on the other hand did have insertive oral sex. The stress and anxiety are driving me crazy. It's all I can think about. I know I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhoea. I know I don't have mycoplasma genitalium or UReaplasma. Incidentally, I wouldn't be concerned if I did have Ureaplasma as it is normal flora in out urany tract. Mycoplasma genitalium is not normal flora.
So, my negitive tests so far are as follows.
Chlamydia
Gonorrhoea
Mycoplasma genitalium
Ureaplasma
Ureaplasma parvim
Syphalis
Waiting for results of the following.
Trich
Gardenellla
And herpes 1&2. The herpes tests are only viable in shedding phase though. I suspect if my symptoms are due to this then it would pick it up as I am symptomatic.
I am going to be a bit naughty and return to the clinic and use a different name so I can have another swab done as they wont do another one for me. They get hundreds of men through there so I doubt they will remember me. I'm in the UK so it's free.
Mot, I noticed the core tension before I had read about CPPS. Did you too?
I lost about twenty pounds, because of anxiety and as a result of not eating. I started paying attention to my belly in a mix of fear and admiration, and while thinking I looked like Brad Pitt, would note that my stomach muscles were tight/clenched/tensed.
I also sat at work with my legs tightly crossed, constantly.
I have had do many stressors, with guilt, shame, fear, hiding doctor's visits, waiting for test results, trying to pretend everything is ok at home, wondering if it's safe to have sex with partner, wondering about our future, running home every day to intercept mail from insurance company, finding ways to fake the insurance letters, etc.
It's been horrible. I need to let it go. You do too.
Mot, I noticed the core tension before I had read about CPPS. Did you too?
I lost about twenty pounds, because of anxiety and as a result of not eating. I started paying attention to my belly in a mix of fear and admiration, and while thinking I looked like Brad Pitt, would note that my stomach muscles were tight/clenched/tensed.
I also sat at work with my legs tightly crossed, constantly.
I have had do many stressors, with guilt, shame, fear, hiding doctor's visits, waiting for test results, trying to pretend everything is ok at home, wondering if it's safe to have sex with partner, wondering about our future, running home every day to intercept mail from insurance company, finding ways to fake the insurance letters, etc.
It's been horrible. I need to let it go. You do too.
So I also have the pains at anus, down legs, in buttocks, etc.
I also think I may have cpps. There is a lot of stress, tension, anxiety, and core tightening.