jaquta

[inneedofhelp82]

I am too angry to speak to my mum, maybe in a few months time but not now, she has never been any support to me, i have tried to please her all my life and i have never been good enough, there are too many issues surrounding it. For a while i was taking the children around, then two weeks ago she called and expected me to apologise for my partner, why should i?
I was more social than i am now, i was anxious but being there helped, i loved the music the people and feeling normal i did panic sometimes but it was a challenge, i made friends but only on a superficial level they never really knew me but it didn't matter.
I got four hours sleep last night but i am going to watch a movie before bed tonight not scary this time.
My social worker really likes my partner, annoys me a bit i can't tell her anything because i know she likes him and i am afraid she won't believe me, what i did tell my therapist he told my social worker and then they passed it on, so i'm not sure whether to trust him or not, he gave information to the police before too i know he had too but it caused stress for me. I was assaulted then the police got my mental health files read my notes and accused me of having an affair, doesn't make sense does it, so instead of looking for my attacker they looked into my life my background and have came up with nothing, it got so bad my therapist wrote a letter of complaint to them so did the doctor, then my therapist called a meeting with the police to explain a bit about me and that my silence was my defensive side and not a sign that i was withholding information, so now i have no faith in the police either.
The police are still supposedly investigating the assault.
I hope you have a good day. Sorry for going on.

[inneedofhelp82]

I agree he wasn't very professional and thats another reason i feel that our relationship has changed he used to always call me back so i am going to talk to him on Tuesday and tell  him how i feel, my social worker said to be honest she said i deserve the best treatment and if i feel he is not giving it then i need to tell him. I am just going to tell him that i feel our relationship has changed and i don't know why, i know he is keen to start the intensive therapy so he hasn't given up on me, then i am afraid that i look into it to much and maybe he is stressed in general and not just with me, but he never spoke to me like that before and when he was waiting on me to talk he stood and looked at me and ran his pen up and down a thing he has for cleaning the white board he was writing on i thought it was very rude of him, i don't know why he done that is it a sign of impatientence or was he trying to distract me to keep my concentration in the room, then when we were talking i got upset and i wasn't really listening and he told me to turn my chair around and look at the board i thought that strange as well, or maybe it is just me and i am too sensitive at the minute.
My youngest is sick today and i had to take him to the doctor, then we are supposed to going to my partners mum's tonight. We also took a new car for a test drive which was ok we are hoping to buy it and trade our's in against it.
They know i am so afraid of the hospital thats why they don't put me there for the therapy well i hope they don't. The respite place is staffed by nurse's trained in mental health they would have previously worked in the hospital, my therapist used to work in the hospital as well, not as a therapist but as a mental health nurse. Its supposed to be safe enough there thay are there if i need them and i can leave when i want but i need to tell them and i suppose if i have just had an intensive session they won't want me to leave, i still think i could leave without them noticing but my therapist said they would notice. i don't want to be away from my family for a week though but i know i will be in no mood for seeing them either and if i get upset i will want to run away my therapist knows this. I can be sensible at times but if i have to talk about what he wants me to talk about he knows i won't cope well.
I see the doctor on the 18th to get his opinion as they feel they are missing something and after they talk with him they will set a date depending on when they can get me a place, but it will be soon the end of May or the beginning of June it was supposed to be in January but because i tried to kill myself and was feeling so suicidal for so long they said it wasn't safe but he feels now that they have to do something regardless of how i feel because i'm not getting any better.
I am still so afraid of the medication.
I know i feel like i am wasting my life i just live day by day never knowing what mood i will get up in or will i want to disappear that day. I stared taking panic attacks when i was 19 and i had the hope that i would get better as i got older but no i have tried hard for years and i just got worse, well stuff happened i suppose to make it worse but i feel like so much time has been wasted.
Maybe during the intensive therapy i will want medication, it would probably help if i wasn't so afraid. Do you feel you benefited from the medication at all or did it make you worse? I feel if i had large amounts of medication i can be quite impulsive and i would take it all if i had a really bad day, in the respite place the medication is kept locked away and given out at certain times so i suppose it would be ok there.
Did you have the doctor this week?
I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

Honest but not very professional.
Fair enough.  It sounds as though you resolved some of the things bothering you though.
It's his job.  Maybe you should just go to hospital (I don't think from what you have said that respite is a safe option for you) and let him begin his intensive therapy.  At least that way you can start to address things and move forward.  It will be slow and painful but will need to be done some time and like they say there is no time like the present time.
I don't know if things will feel more stable in time.  Waiting till you feel better, etc just feels like a waste of time.  You're still young and could be out enjoying life.  Don't waste years of your life by not taking action or by avoiding making good decisions for yourself.
I feel hurt and angry because I have just lost 10 years of my life.  I should have been able to enjoy my teens and early 20's.

That's a bit scary that they are trying to control you or what you do.  Thank goodness they weren't able too, at this point.

I look forward to my doctor's appointment all week and then on the day I become totally disorganized.

Ask them for a specific date.

I take medication occasionally when I feel particularly desperate or unwell.
It's difficult because I was very anti-meds -I wouldn't touch anything.  There were times I felt compelled to try an antidepressant but I wasn't able to stay on it for very long (days/ weeks.  Not long enough for any substantial benefit).
Because I wouldn't take meds when I was sectioned I was restrained and given injections.  Before I left the ward I was lining up like everyone else.
When I was home I stopped taking the meds.  I believe hospital and the meds stuffed me up lots.  I od'ed on all those meds because I felt so unwell.
With the new T I had I made heaps of progress even if it was slow.  I now take lorazepam to help me with sleep.  I should probably be using it at the moment because I haven't been sleeping very well for ages.
The doctor on the mental health expert forum says that xanax and klonopin are good for anxiety.  The best in his opinion.  I would stay away from the xanax but the other one seems OK.  I was so anxious about trying an antidepressant the doctor put me on that plus sleep meds.
If I were in your situation I would be looking at taking something to help with the anxiety.  I wouldn't be taking it indefinitely though.  Maybe even look to start it just before the intensive therapy.  Take it during and then when things ease off look at reducing it or stopping it.

In my opinion and experience I feel that when we are so anxious it defeats our efforts to get better and so that is why I think it is useful in these situations.
I would strongly recommend you discuss this with your T and doctor and look at the possibility of taking something short-term.  Nothing too sedating and nothing that will take away your sense of control.  Something you can take when and where you feel you need it.  Ask for it to be controlled though so you don't have too many on you.
That would be the best advice I could give you at this point and that is from someone who was once in a similar situation to your own and that was being very averse to meds.

I rang the mhs yesterday just to see if my last T was still working there.  He is.

I think I'm feeling better because my period has started.  PMT is the pits.

[inneedofhelp82]

I rang him back this morning and he said sorry for not calling but he had forgotten so at least he was honest. He explained why he was holding back with the therapy he said he doesn't feel its safe at the minute and he wants to start intensive therapy as soon as possible but it has to be in respite or the hospital, so i agreed. I asked was it my fault that the therapy wasn't moving forward and he said no that i wasn't to think like that, that it wasn't my fault he said he was holding back he didn't think it safe to talk about anything until i was in a secure environment. I feel better for talking to him, i didn't mention the trust bit i want to see him face to face to do that.
Yeah the people around me don't help at all, but i guess my therapist is trying and i have put alot on him.
I feel like that too my partner and his brother tried to put a security lock on our computer last night and ended up loosing the internet connection so typical men they know nothing about computers so they should have left it alone.
I am anxious today i have my social worker soon and i am not ready.
I am also anxious about when they will start the intensive stuff and i am scared how i will react, if i react badly in respite they will put me in hospital and he is still talking about medication. I think you said you don't take medication either do you?
Did you try calling your last therapist again? I agree with you thought they are really busy, anytime i go there even to meet with the social worker she works in the same building its really busy.
I am glad you are feeling a bit more positive.
I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

It's his job.  If he can't cope then he needs to talk to his supervisor.
You most definitely should be open and honest about everything.
That is good.  I think complimenting T's, etc and acknowledging their hard work can sometimes motivate them more to help you.  It doesn't hurt anyway.
He may have been out of the office or any number of things.  How many other clients does he see each week?  He has to talk to them.  Attend meetings with doctors and nurses and social workers, etc.  He will have paperwork that needs doing.  Every time he sees someone he has to write up notes.  It all takes time.  Then there are phone calls he needs to make.  Conferences, etc that he needs to attend.
I left six messages for my last T to phone me and he still hasn't.  This was at the end of last year.  Maybe October/ November.  It could even have been September.
Talk to him how fragile the trust is.
It's not you.  People made me feel that way too.  It is not you.
Your partner is abusive, your mother was at best unavailable, your T seems confused and overwhelmed by everything.  It is definitely not you.

Mum and Dad were gardening.  Dad insisted that dirt was removed from clump of grass before being shifted.  It was annoying and a waste of time in my opinion.  I now have a blister.
Dad also kind of stuffed up the oven door ages ago when trying to clean it.  Trust a man.  I think I told you about it ages ago.  Anyway, we tried to fixed it again properly today and that didn't work either.  It was very frustrating.

I am feeling a little more positive about the review.  For now anyway.

[inneedofhelp82]

It could be anyone of those things but i feel it changed when i told him certain stuff, maybe he is over whelmed with it all but they told me to talk to him and i did then i felt bad and now i feel he can't cope. Perhaps he is waiting on the second opinion and things will improve then. I am going to talk to him though and tell him how i feel and tell him that i do appreciate how much he has been there for me in the past and that i don't want to be angry at him. I rang him this morning and he never called back which confirms what i think, it took along time to trust him and it will take very little for me to not trust him and i don't want that. I had a bad day and now too my partner is making it worse, i wonder am i really that bad, it makes sense though my mother and my partner think bad of me and now my therapist is treating me the same way, it must obviously be me, well i guess i answered my own question, i need to decide what to do next.
I hope you feel ok today and got to do something, it would probably help if you knew what was happening with the review.
I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

Tell him that you felt/ feel angry with him but that you don't know why.  Tell him that you don't want him to be angry with you.  Tell him that you feel that things have changed in the relationship and ask what and why.  Has his attitude changed since disclosing all that other stuff?  Does he feel too overwhelmed to cope?  Is he just waiting for that other opinion?  Is it because the therapy was in a new place?
I get angry and frustrated when people can't or won't help, especially when I feel they can and should and don't.  Just talk to him, there is probably a rational explanation.
I haven't done much at all since, ... it feels like a lifetime ago.  I'm not sure what I am going to do.  I do need to do something though.