Is it really just depresion?

[Xuixie]

I'm 15, female and honestly I have no idea what my problems are.

This is going to sound weird and I'm about scared to post it but I feel as thought I may be heading to a very dangerous place. Not committing suicide but rather hurting someone. I just want to destroy something, someone, anyone. I can envision it. No guns, no weapons but my hands, arms, muscles, teeth, legs pounding as I run off. It's sick how easily that I can envision it. The really sick thing is how badly I want it sometimes. I'm not sure when I'll give in or why I don't, but still I can't bring myself to it. Which is probably best.

Since 7th grade I've been dealing with anxiety and this past year what my mother and therapist have classified as 'depression'. But the um...listed above isn't new. I would fight with my sister when I was younger and instantly revert to violence then feel complete remorse for it sometimes sitting in my room crying about it.
Other times when I'm not feeling this current surge of violence I'm feeling very low and unwanted. My self confidence is shot. I get hurt when I see my other friends happy, yet I can't tell them how I feel. It's not right for me to burden them when everything else is fine. I've hurt myself before. Scratching myself (not cutting) with a knife, biting myself, scratching with my fingernails (which turned out worse then the knife), punching walls (sounds stupid I know). I feel so abandoned. My heart sometimes feels heavy and hurts, I can't sleep anymore I have to take meds to fall asleep before 3 am. I don't want to do anything, half the time I can't will myself to. I haven't seen my friends all summer I have problems leaving my house, I get extremely anxious and often have panic attacks. I could keep babbling but I'll cut it off here.

*note: I have a cognitive therapist (works with breathing techniques and managing anxiety, not a regular therapist), I take some meds.

[kimdavis5]

I feel for you.  Talk to your dr. about how serious these thoughts are.  Talk about switching meds?  Pray if you believe in God.  Try to love yourself.  You sound smart and you are very young so give yourself a chance.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You are loved.

[Anonymous97234]

Strange, I've had the EXACT same experience apart from the Panic attacks and anxiety. During school times I heavily considered murdering two of my Teachers, but obviously never went through with it.

The only things I can suggest is firstly, watch these videos:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSYtQy9EqTA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

From experience, what's making you want to hurt others if because you hate yourself so much. You hate who you are because you think you're ugly, because you think you're boring... because you have no self-esteem. Well, you're wrong! Want to know why?

What's stopping you being the best? What's stopping you fulfilling your ultimate goal in life? ... You.

You've been given a perfect gift to do whatever you want; a strong and capable body. Each and every single one of us are amazing, and so are YOU. You shouldn't worry about what is making you feel down... you shouldn't worry about your friends who seem to be having a good time, because so can YOU!

Get a clean haircut, get some nice new clothes and go outside and keep your chin lifted! Why should you show that your self-esteem is at it's most minimum, when you having nothing to make you act like that! You're amazing the way you are, and from what I think that's something you need to learn.

I'm not sure if this advice is the best, or if it's even relevant; but I hope it cheers you up and helps you out. xx

[goodgardenpeas28]

Well I can tell you from experience that having psychological issues entails a lot of things. When I was in highschool I was severely depressed-suicidal. I also had an anxiety disorder. One thing I never mentioned was that randomly I would have thoughts about harming people; particularly if they got on my nerves. It was satisfying to think about in the moment but afterwards I felt horribly guilty. Fast forward to when I started being treated for the depression and anxiety the low self esteem, violent thoughts (to myself and others) the insomnia, the apathy-pretty much under control. Now you mentioned that "when [you're] not feeling this current surge of violence" you feel generally depressed. This might be a sign of a type of mood disorder, like Bipolar. You may be unaware but the hurting yourself you describe would definitely categorize you as a self-injurer. I would suggest talking to your therapist about your self-injury behavior. He/she can give you ideas/teach you how to cope with your emotions in a more constructive way. I know from experience that self-injury is a hard habit to kick but it really doesn't help you in the long run emotionally.