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BDD? Help!
I'm probably over reacting but I think I may have a mild version of BDD, or Body Dismorphia Disorder.
My self confidence is really low, and after doing a bit of research on the internet, I think I have some of the symptoms.
I really don't know though. I'm probably just another moaning angsty teenager.
You see even though my friends tell me I'm fine and I'm normal and everything like that I just can't see it when I look in the mirror. At times I can't stop looking in the mirror to check that nothing's wrong and other times I just can't bear to look.
I hate having photos taken, as I have no control over the finished product. I've never had a photo of me taken that I actually like, and I constantly retouch myself in photos I see until it looks really fake, or I'll just delete the photo altogether. I've ended up crying in front of people before when they won't delete a picture of me. And I will purposefully look through peoples pictures on their digital cameras just so i can find and delete any pictures of me.
It's making me paranoid, and I constantly think about why this is happening to me.
I think its started from a couple of years ago, when I was quite overweight.
I've always been tall for my age, but from the age of about 10 to 13 I was also heavy, being about 5ft 3 or 4 and tipping 154lbs. However at the end of the school year when I was 13, I got a virus similar to a cold but much more intense, and I stopped eating. Over 2 weeks I lost about 28lb. I didn't mean to, but I completely lost my appetite. Slowly though, I put a healthy amount of the weight back on, and everything was fine.
However, about 6 or 7 months later, I got ill again from a chest infection, and once again, my appetite vanished. I went right down to about 119lbs in a week and a half.
Since then I have avoided this yo-yo weight loss and although I've had the odd cold, I've been pretty ok. My weight has gone up recently, which I'm not happy about.. and I weigh around 130-135lbs. I'm 5ft 9 thereabouts.
I feel happy when my weight is closer to 125lbs though.
But I can't help but see myself as I was 3 years ago (I'm 16 now, 17 in March).
I know I was too thin after the second illness, because I could see my ribs poking out of my chest and that did scare me a little. But I still can't look at my friends and look back at myself and not think I'm fat. I put it down to my mental image of myself not being able to catch up with the rapid change in my phsical appearance.
And then there's the self confidence.
Because of my weight when I was younger, I did get bullied quite a lot. It was nothing severe, merely name calling and general teasing, but it still hurt. I was quite a tom-boy, because the boys didnt care what I looked like when I was that age, but that all changed when I moved to an all girls school from the age off 11. I found it hard to make friends, and although my friends are amazing now, I still suffer from continual jealousy of them for how much prettier they are than me.
My biggest problem, I think, is my skin.
My skin is completely horrible. I wake up every morning to find it covered in yet more blemishes, and I waste at least 10minutes each time trying desperately to clear them by picking etc etc. It's been like this for about 5 years now. Throughout the day, even in lessons my hands will constantly be picking at my face, and I wont even stop when it starts to bleed. I try to hide under as much make-up as I can, but then it becomes a vicious circle as this blocks up my pores and causes more spots. I have already got scars, especially on my chin, but I don't have the confidence to go and talk to a doctor about it. Besides after mentioning it to my mum once or twice she says that it will clear in time. I'm not so convinced however. Can you get pills or something to clear it?
I even think my confidence is affecting my social life. I mean, I'm not unpopular, but meeting new people is a scary thought to me, as I'm constantly paranoid that I look weird, or that they'll laugh at me behind my back at my horrible skin or that I'm fat or something. It's even worse with guys. I've never had a relationship, even though I've come close to one about twice now, but they always back away at the last minute. I'm not clingy, in fact I'm the opposite, because I'm suprised that guys even take a second look at me when I'm around all the other girls who are so much prettier. So I don't expect anything. But I'm what is described as a romantic, so I tend to fall for people head over heels and then get completely crushed when it doesn't work out. I blame myself every time, for not being good enough to hold onto them, even when I've had such excuses as someone not wanting a relationship with me because I'm "too tall".
I have intimacy issues as well, and I know where they come from, but it makes me so ashamed to say it. A family friend, in his 70's has touched me and kissed me before against my will, and it made me feel so disgusted with myself. I mean, I must have led him on for him to do something like that. And I can never ever tell my parents about it. Ever.
But I'm just worried that if I carry on like this I'm going to get myself further and further into some sort of depression until I do something I regret. I mean, I've already made a list of all the things I don't like about myself. And it's not a short list..
I don't want to continue waking up in the morning and wishing I was someone else.
I need some answers, or maybe even some solutions.
Thank you
My self confidence is really low, and after doing a bit of research on the internet, I think I have some of the symptoms.
I really don't know though. I'm probably just another moaning angsty teenager.
You see even though my friends tell me I'm fine and I'm normal and everything like that I just can't see it when I look in the mirror. At times I can't stop looking in the mirror to check that nothing's wrong and other times I just can't bear to look.
I hate having photos taken, as I have no control over the finished product. I've never had a photo of me taken that I actually like, and I constantly retouch myself in photos I see until it looks really fake, or I'll just delete the photo altogether. I've ended up crying in front of people before when they won't delete a picture of me. And I will purposefully look through peoples pictures on their digital cameras just so i can find and delete any pictures of me.
It's making me paranoid, and I constantly think about why this is happening to me.
I think its started from a couple of years ago, when I was quite overweight.
I've always been tall for my age, but from the age of about 10 to 13 I was also heavy, being about 5ft 3 or 4 and tipping 154lbs. However at the end of the school year when I was 13, I got a virus similar to a cold but much more intense, and I stopped eating. Over 2 weeks I lost about 28lb. I didn't mean to, but I completely lost my appetite. Slowly though, I put a healthy amount of the weight back on, and everything was fine.
However, about 6 or 7 months later, I got ill again from a chest infection, and once again, my appetite vanished. I went right down to about 119lbs in a week and a half.
Since then I have avoided this yo-yo weight loss and although I've had the odd cold, I've been pretty ok. My weight has gone up recently, which I'm not happy about.. and I weigh around 130-135lbs. I'm 5ft 9 thereabouts.
I feel happy when my weight is closer to 125lbs though.
But I can't help but see myself as I was 3 years ago (I'm 16 now, 17 in March).
I know I was too thin after the second illness, because I could see my ribs poking out of my chest and that did scare me a little. But I still can't look at my friends and look back at myself and not think I'm fat. I put it down to my mental image of myself not being able to catch up with the rapid change in my phsical appearance.
And then there's the self confidence.
Because of my weight when I was younger, I did get bullied quite a lot. It was nothing severe, merely name calling and general teasing, but it still hurt. I was quite a tom-boy, because the boys didnt care what I looked like when I was that age, but that all changed when I moved to an all girls school from the age off 11. I found it hard to make friends, and although my friends are amazing now, I still suffer from continual jealousy of them for how much prettier they are than me.
My biggest problem, I think, is my skin.
My skin is completely horrible. I wake up every morning to find it covered in yet more blemishes, and I waste at least 10minutes each time trying desperately to clear them by picking etc etc. It's been like this for about 5 years now. Throughout the day, even in lessons my hands will constantly be picking at my face, and I wont even stop when it starts to bleed. I try to hide under as much make-up as I can, but then it becomes a vicious circle as this blocks up my pores and causes more spots. I have already got scars, especially on my chin, but I don't have the confidence to go and talk to a doctor about it. Besides after mentioning it to my mum once or twice she says that it will clear in time. I'm not so convinced however. Can you get pills or something to clear it?
I even think my confidence is affecting my social life. I mean, I'm not unpopular, but meeting new people is a scary thought to me, as I'm constantly paranoid that I look weird, or that they'll laugh at me behind my back at my horrible skin or that I'm fat or something. It's even worse with guys. I've never had a relationship, even though I've come close to one about twice now, but they always back away at the last minute. I'm not clingy, in fact I'm the opposite, because I'm suprised that guys even take a second look at me when I'm around all the other girls who are so much prettier. So I don't expect anything. But I'm what is described as a romantic, so I tend to fall for people head over heels and then get completely crushed when it doesn't work out. I blame myself every time, for not being good enough to hold onto them, even when I've had such excuses as someone not wanting a relationship with me because I'm "too tall".
I have intimacy issues as well, and I know where they come from, but it makes me so ashamed to say it. A family friend, in his 70's has touched me and kissed me before against my will, and it made me feel so disgusted with myself. I mean, I must have led him on for him to do something like that. And I can never ever tell my parents about it. Ever.
But I'm just worried that if I carry on like this I'm going to get myself further and further into some sort of depression until I do something I regret. I mean, I've already made a list of all the things I don't like about myself. And it's not a short list..
I don't want to continue waking up in the morning and wishing I was someone else.
I need some answers, or maybe even some solutions.
Thank you
I completely understand how you feel Roxxii. I too have terrible skin problems. But I also have something very rare. I'm the only one in my country how sufferes with Linear morphea. It has affected my entire right leg. Over the past few years I've become horribly obsessed with how I look. If I'm not looking in the mirror every 5 minutes to check if anything was wrong, I'd be hating the reflection staring back and crying my eyes out. I do research all the time on all my problems. One minute I'm okay to leave the house, and the next I'll see a girl prettier then me and become either upset or angry. I've never had a problem with my weight, my high metablolism has kept me the same weight for about 3-4 years now. I'm anxious about leaving the house in case my make-up isn't right and someone notices there's something wrong with me. I'm paranoid and get depressed easily. I refuse and kind of therepy or medication because I don't want to accept there is nothing they can do for me,
It isn't fair that some girls have thigns so easily. Clear skin. Perfect teeth etc. Then they jugde us for having something wrong that we cannot control.
I've researched all kinds of surgery and treatments. Have made lists and added up total costs. I will not be happy with the way I am until everything is fixed.
I'm stuck. I can't be helped and I refuse to accept.
I don't want kind words. People can only understand me on a certain level. No-one will truley understand how I feel.
I don't know what to do.
It isn't fair that some girls have thigns so easily. Clear skin. Perfect teeth etc. Then they jugde us for having something wrong that we cannot control.
I've researched all kinds of surgery and treatments. Have made lists and added up total costs. I will not be happy with the way I am until everything is fixed.
I'm stuck. I can't be helped and I refuse to accept.
I don't want kind words. People can only understand me on a certain level. No-one will truley understand how I feel.
I don't know what to do.
Hi Roxxii,
I'm old enough to be your mom, so I will speak to you as if you were my daughter. First, I will also be very honest. You are your worst enemy. You are lacking self confidence and the way you feel on the inside will dictate how you behave on the outside (low confidence, insecure about making friends, etc.) You need to start by liking yourself, before others can like you and be yourself as you are. In other words "I am who I am" and that's ok.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, it just unrealistic. Most popular people are one of the most insecure people that I know. They hide there insecurity with lots of makeup, fashion, needing to "feel" better than others to hide their own insecurities.
Be yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. If you are having health problems, the only person that can truly help you is a physician, so have your mother take you to a physician to give you different opions on your heal. Also, your lack of confidence and insecurities can cause to over eat, which results in weight gain. You have to have the will to want to change your weight, but it starts with you.
Also, there please do not pick on your face. It will case deep scars that will stay with you the rest of your life. Nail's can carry bacteria that you don't see and can cause infection. You must see a dermetalogist to give you the right products to clear up your face and then you will feel better about yourself.
Please stay away from that 70 yr. dirty, old man, who will take advantage of you if given the right opportunity. Tell you mom, a friend, teacher or even the police. You are under age and he can actually
be arrested over innapropriate touching a minor.
I hope this helps a little bit and remember that God created a very special person called you! Start taking care of the real you. Be yourself, like yourself and it is just a small stepping stone in the right direction. Your are going to be ok...one day at a time.
Judy
I'm old enough to be your mom, so I will speak to you as if you were my daughter. First, I will also be very honest. You are your worst enemy. You are lacking self confidence and the way you feel on the inside will dictate how you behave on the outside (low confidence, insecure about making friends, etc.) You need to start by liking yourself, before others can like you and be yourself as you are. In other words "I am who I am" and that's ok.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, it just unrealistic. Most popular people are one of the most insecure people that I know. They hide there insecurity with lots of makeup, fashion, needing to "feel" better than others to hide their own insecurities.
Be yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. If you are having health problems, the only person that can truly help you is a physician, so have your mother take you to a physician to give you different opions on your heal. Also, your lack of confidence and insecurities can cause to over eat, which results in weight gain. You have to have the will to want to change your weight, but it starts with you.
Also, there please do not pick on your face. It will case deep scars that will stay with you the rest of your life. Nail's can carry bacteria that you don't see and can cause infection. You must see a dermetalogist to give you the right products to clear up your face and then you will feel better about yourself.
Please stay away from that 70 yr. dirty, old man, who will take advantage of you if given the right opportunity. Tell you mom, a friend, teacher or even the police. You are under age and he can actually
be arrested over innapropriate touching a minor.
I hope this helps a little bit and remember that God created a very special person called you! Start taking care of the real you. Be yourself, like yourself and it is just a small stepping stone in the right direction. Your are going to be ok...one day at a time.
Judy
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