Does this sound like deppression

[Bran_Bran]

Right now I just want to go curl up in a small dark place cry and cry and cry close my eyes and never wake up. were no one can find me or disturb me. I hate my self win a passion. I'm so increadibly annoying. My oppinion to anything dosent matter it's worthless. And if I were to die people might be sad at first but in the long run they would be much happeir because I wouldent be here to couse so much trouble or to be so annoying. I have tryed twice. And thought of going to sleep and never waking up is really comforting. Because I wouldent have to wake up and deal with all the drama. I wouldent have to deal with all the annoying things I do. I also hate my body I feel I am fat. I hate my stumic. I am 5 foot 10 and weight 150. I know I'm a healthy weight but I'm discusting. Everything about me os discusting from my persanality and how I act to my body. I hate everything about my self. And I know everyone around me can't stand me either. Because I annoy the living crap out of them!!!! This extremly deep hatred for my
self started last summer when my step brother was hit by a truck. He was walking 2 girls home so they wouldent drink and drive ao no one would get hurt. Well so much for that. I moss him and wish I could talk to him. He loved his life and might of been able to help me love mine. I hated my self befor he passed to but since he passed last augest it has become un bareble. At least nefor he died I had a good self estemete now I can't stand my self and hate everything about my self!!!!!!

[Bran_Bran]

The first part is a news repor about his death and then there's a song one of his friends wrote for him and pictures of him!!!!!

[Bran_Bran]

My parents don't but that's because he wasent their son he was my step moms son who live on the other side of the country. My sisters don't mention it often and neither does my twin brother. For the first time since the funeral my brother mention my brother. This was last weekend. My parents were out of town and he decided to throw a party with alcohol and when my sister kicked them all out he said Mike would of wanted me to part. Because he partyed alot. The thing is be would of wanted him to do it responsibly.
Here's a link to a YouTube video that was made in memory of my brother please watch it so you can understand a bit more
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWk5PAYEeuY&feature=youtube_gdata
thanks

[cheshchesh819]

someone needs to speak to your parents about how you are feeling and your depression,maybe one of your pastors,i think you could all do with a session of family therapy to get you all through your sad loss,it sounds like everyone in your family are in denial about what has happened,do anyone ever speak about your brother in the house?

[Bran_Bran]

Well them yelling at me. And me yelling at myself on the inside. Because when people make me mad I don't get mad at them I get mad at my self because they obvisly did whY they did because of how annoying I am or whatever I do. Like this guy from my church slammed a door in my face after letting my friends in. Sure I am a bit mad
at him. But the bible does say to forgive. So I just take my anger for him and turn it towards my self because I obvisly deserved what he did for being so annoying!!!!!!! Then there is the only girl I have ever yelled or swore at. We were on a bus and I was lauphing at somthing my friend said. And this girl yelled across the bus shut up your lauph is annoying so I yelled back shut the F up. The peoples expression around me were halarious because they have never seen me yell nevermind swear. And anyways yes I am still very mad at her but I take most of my anger for her and turn it towards myself. Because she wouldent of yelled that if I wasent so annoying!!!!!

[Bran_Bran]

And if I tell my parents my stepdad will just say there's that poor me syndrome again. And I don't really talk to my Mum. So I don't feel comfortable telling her. The only time she talks to me is when she is telling me to do a chore or yelling at me for doing what ever I do wrong. And mabey once in blue moon every couple months shell show me an email. But other wise I don't realy talk to her. And I avoid my parents as much as I can because other wise it will just end up in yelling!!!!!

[Bran_Bran]

Like I said above I have been talking to a pastor that encouraged me to talk to my youth pastor who asked me if she could tell my pastor how I've been feeling since he's my pastor and I said yes. I haven't talked to him yet but I'm sure if I see him toniht at youh he will want to talk to me. So ya there are people from my church I am talking to. But I don't really talk to my aunts unless were viseting. Not that I don't like my anu ts and uncles because I do like them I just don't talk to them when I'm not viseting.

[cheshchesh819]

what you have been through is aful,i suffered a death last september in my family,my step mother it was awful,and really hard to get through,your parents really needs to understand what this has done to you and how depressed and suisidal you are feeling,isnt there an aunt or someone you could go to,or maybe someone at the church where you goes

[Bran_Bran]

I have been talking to a pastor, my youth pastor and now my pastor. The pastor I have been talking to knows about my attempts and he has helped me alot. I showed my friend my journal the otherday because she is goin threw deppression and anixiet. And thouh I don't have anxiety I think I may have deppression so I wanted her to know I know how she feels and she told me you don't know how it feels until you've been threw it. So I showed her my journal. But now sue told her dad and my other firend. I was planning on telling my one friend but I wanted to do it when I was ready and my self. And I don't plan on seeing a doctor because if I do then my Mum will know and if I tell my step dad he'll just say oh there's hay poor me syndrome again. I mean I do want to go to the doctor and I do want the support from my family but I can't get it!!!! And one time I was going to try and take my life just because it's comforting and let's me know I'm in control. I wasent going to actualy go threw with it. But by time I picked up the bag my to try my parents called
me
down stairs to tell me I did somthing wrong as always!!! A couple months ago the first time I tryed  My parents had taken my iPod away wich I would of been able to deal with until my stepdad called me a stupid usless b***h and I dident have my iPod to put music on and change my mood with. I dident have Internet to talk to someone with. I felt like I was never going to see love again and the one time I most deffently would of gone grew with it but disent know what to do my step dad dident let me go to a church event and church is the one place I can go and feel loved sometimes. So I felt lime I was never going to see love again

[ann904]

hi there. you sound like you have been thru such a lot with the sad loss of your brother.  some of what you wrote i can relate to, such as going to bed and not caring if i didnt wake up. I urge to to talk to your doctor who can put you in touch with bereavement councilors. you really do need to be able to talk to someone who knows what you are going thru. have you had any support from the times you tried to take your life. ?

[x89rt]

That'snot just depression, that's severe depression. I really think you should go talk to a psychiatrist.