I don't know what to do with myself

[StrawberryMilk]

I'm doing my best at school, but I can barely make it. My grades got worse when I started attending middle school. Even if I study, most of it falls out of my head. My mom isn't helping either. She's making me even more depressed and worried. Mostly becouse she says I won't get a job (I want to be an english translator or work in a bakery shop in the future) becouse I forgot or wasn't able to do my homework. Plus, she is a big Catholic and I'm an agnostic (I basically don't want to be included in any religion. I just don't care and don't want to.) and she says that if I have any problems I should "JUST" belive and pray. One time she started yelling at me, that I am possesed. Just becouse I got a little bit angry with her for accidently breaking something. Yup, I am the one that's always aggressive and angry... But when I was in 5th grade it was worse. Not only she treated me like ****, she actually hitted me and almost threw ice at me. It was terryfing for me (well I was 11 years old). I almost killed myself, because I thought my life was a wreck. I didn't have friends, I was bullied even by my mom. I actually had pills in my hand, and almost took it. Then I started thinking if I REALLY want to do it. What got out me of being so depressed was mostly anime and internet in general. And now it's coming back. I have this weird months when I'm depressed, and after that I start being normal and happy. I fight with my mom a lot when school starts. I don't want it. I feel like I want to kill myself, but I know that the sadness won't disappear, just me. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have emotions or just run away.
Sorry for this, I just have no idea what should I do with myself. I don't want to talk to my friends about it, because I'm worried that they will ignore me. I wish I'd had friends on the internet, I used to but most of them won't talk to me or forgot about me.

[Keliheb]

First I should say I'm a mother and am 33.  I felt as though I should respond because You were strong enough to post so you derserve a response. I once was you. I always suffered from depression and still currently do but high school was the worst. Hormones, clicks, body image, parents, boys/girl friends , school and so much more.  The most important thing people told me that was true was in a couple years these people these situations won't mean squat to you. And in grand scheme of life they will seem no so big. But that doesn't mean they aren't life altering for u now.  You have done the first step of helping yourself by getting on this site and more hopefully to find others who struggle like u r.  Find common ground for u to hold on to one another and pull each other through the tough days.  Grades r important but they aren't everything.  Do your best and if you feel like you can't understand don't be afraid to ask teachers or counselor for some extra help. People learn differently but teachers teach one way to the whole class. Not everyone understands w each teacher.  It's nothing shameful just life. Now your learning style may seem s hinderence but one day will be a strength. I promise you that life is worth it if u just hang on. Keep searching posts for a friend. You will find support.

[Hannah444]

Hey StrawberryMilk
I'm a mum with a daughter in almost the same situation as you. I just want to work out how to help her and myself in understanding her depression and difficulties so that I can be a better mum to my daughter.
You're not my daughter but my heart goes out to you as for my daughter. First off you're a very brave and sensible girl for not taking those pills. That's a BIG positive. If I say that this phase will pass ...you  will assume I don't understand your problems or even mocking you but dear however difficult this time seems after 3-4 years you and ur mum will be fine and you might even think "what was all that". Trust I have been there and as I'm going through all this now with my daughter( she's not living at home and wants to go and live with some friends family for a year or two) AS she took as overdose the case is in the court now. I'm as a mum being punished for being ill and disabled for the last five years. I acknowledge my part but my daughter won't have any of it. I'm really relaxed about religion too with her now...earlier I'd have asked her to pray but not since I realised she's depressed. Talk to your mum don't fight....write her a letter if difficult to talk but COMMUNICATE with her. She carried you for 9months in her body. You wouldn't survive if she hadn't loved and looked after you when you were a baby. Take out your family pics and look through them tell yourself a new story about You, then your mum n you and then about the rest of the family. Let this time have a teenager take charge of things and turn them around.
Sending lots of positive vibes your way xx