My son does not talk to his sister or myself

[altitude13500]

I am separated from my husband. Have two children, son 19 and daughter 15. My son hasn't spoken to me or my his sister in more than three years. He has completely emotionally detached from most of the family. Lives with his dad and grandparents, with total disregard of their needs and wishes. Communicates only with his grandfather, bare minimum, treating grandma like trash. Very verbally abusive, occasionally physically as well (pushing her, throwing dishes through the window...)  Does not work or study, drinks and smokes pot occasionally, lives by his own rules, does not give account of his whereabouts or plans for the future.
I am afraid that he may suffer of depression, as there was a mental health issue in the family (his grandfather's brother killed himself many years ago). I went to counseling, was seeking help through the school (when he was still in high school), system.... I am hurting like hell and if I hadn't had my daughter to take care of, I am afraid I would just give up on everything.
As time passes, his relationship toward his sister (who he worshiped till the day he just stopped talking to her "because she is talking to me") and me is getting worse all the time, if that is possible at all. I keep in touch through email, text messaging just to let him know we love him and he is being horribly missed. He is doing everything he knows I don't agree with (drugs, tattooing, spitting, littering, snakes - he kept venomous ones until they were confiscated from him) as if he wishes to hurt me. He has a brilliant mind, studies with incredible ease and could have done anything he wanted with his life. His father and I agreed that we will pay for our children's education and our son was given $14K (simply transferred to his account, as that was the condition to enroll the school and sure enough - he dropped out). Now he wants to go to Police Academy. I will not give him cash any more, but pay the bill (if I get any for the tuition).
He spends his nights in front of TV, days sleeping and terrorizing his grandmother if she makes noise vacuuming or cooking. His father is not around much and does not care, basically he terrorizes his parents just as well.
My son was the closest to me and as he was entering his adolescence he wanted more freedom, no control, doing what he wanted, when he wanted, which of course I would not agree with so conflicts began. A week after he stopped talking to me, he cut off his sister from his life which was horribly hurtful (she was 12 at the time) so I decided to move out of the house. His father and I are in a very good relationship, my in-laws rely on me only and wish to stay close to me, as we live in the same building after we sold the house. I am visiting them, taking care of them as I always did in the past.
My son a gentle, kind, loving young man, but hurt beyond belief by his family falling apart. To prove that I can only say that when he was 16 he worked at the local theater and from that little money he was making we "adopted" a child from Mali through World Vision. He was always part of my charity work, but he was a spectator to his father's verbal abuse of his parents and myself, as well. I guess he learned from both.
Help me - help him and myself ! PLEASE !

[JackPipsam]

well at 19 is admit age (depending on were you live) so maybe his sick of being living with his family

try and talk to him about it

[trish934]

Forget his father for now in helping you he'll have his fair share i time to come; as a mother i understand how heartbreaking this could be to see your son go down a path that's destructive. I also experienced this in my young life with my my eldest brother behavior due to frustration and depression and the end was death. But am not saying this to scary you or anything just a caution as to begin work on this problem now!

You said, may...its obvious that he's depressed, could even be as a result of the divorce. This would need counseling definitely remember they are here to help us. But i know he wouldn't want to go...remember its a process or period of time that he would pass through with the depression and his present lifestyle. Most of the time one reaches rock bottom before they accept the help and he knows ' very well ' you still love him. As for now he has still, a roof over his head, a meal 'prepared', access to money since he can purchase the drugs, tattooing, spitting, etc. A family counseling should how handle this cause it might simply start with you, your daughter and can graduate to his father coming then him. Invention happens in mysterious ways lets not limit what God can do and you need to also prayer him through this time in his young life! In my heart i believe your son's bitterness toward the family and his rebellious behaviors soon would end. He'll "turn" his life around and would apologized so much to this very same wonderful grandmother.
Don't give up and stay strong...he'll be in the police force if its his hearts desire. Stay with us!

[sodapop915]

ok few words get real help 4 every body really fast NO JOKE