I am almost 18, staring college this fall, but last night I seriously almost ended up stabbing myself. Long story short, from when I was little my parents physically and verbally abused me. My mother used to, for example, hit me with a belt, and called me little *****. Till this day I don;t know what I did wrong because most of the time, being a kid, I would get tired of studying and end up fooling around, and that would get me punished. I remember how I would run around the house trying to escape as my mother would run after me and hit me with a hard shoe.
I remember when I was about 13 years old I was very depressed from so emotionally abused, I would cry and pray to God to actually take me from this world already. Growing up int he religious household, I knew or heard that suicide is a sin, so instead, I got into my head that a better option is pray to God to end my life. The main problem in my life is my mother. She doesn't drink or abuse drunks, she actually goes to church all the time, but she is one big *****. She always brings me down and makes me the bad guy in front of my father. The first time she told me "**** you" is when I politely told her over the phone that she doesn't need to be so MEAN to me when asking for a favor. I don't know what to say or do in front of her that would please her because whatever I do, it's always bad, wrong. A few days ago we went downtown, and as we were walking I made a comment about how hot and humid it was, so she turned to me and said, "if it's so hot for you then you should call you dad to pick you up home". I don't understand what I say wrong all the time, or do. I am just a child, a victim really, I don;t understand how everything is my fault, how she blames me and says that she is tired of me "talking back".
I sometimes understand that I am not alone and that it is not me, but she makes me believe that something is wrong with ME, not her. I try to spend less time in her presence, less talking, less opinion sharing, but she still finds something wrong. I try to be mature one and go to my room or the bathroom and cry there by myself, cry my feelings away, but she comes in anyway and makes a face and starts making fun of me saying why I cry like a baby and that she is sick of me always crying and that I should grow up. I don't understand what is wrong with crying, but she always makes it seems like its a bad thing. What really hurts me is whenever she gets into a fight with her side of the family, she will eventually call them and apologize, and surprisingly - cry. I have witnessed it myself, and I was surprised that she actually apologized for hurting someone and cried for forgiveness. But it's different with me. She had never apologized to me. She just "cries" to my dad that I am a bad child, but it's not like I go around talking to myself, everything I say is a response to what she says or does to me. That's why I don't understand how I am bad because if I do talk back, in my mind I'm just defending myself because I can't stand as she spits into my soul. I have feelings and they hurt, but when I try to explain it to her, she ignores me, showing me that SHE is the one who is hurt and that I should apologize.
But I am a good, innocent child, compared to kids these days. I mean, I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs. I graduated high school being a Valedictorian of the class. I got into a very good college and a huge amount of scholarship money. I focused myself completely on school. I dream that I will graduate college, get a job and you know, move on and leave my parents forever behind, but because of what I have to constantly go through with my mother, I don't know If I can do it, if I will survive, my mentality is already unstable. Most of the time I noticed that when I'm alone I think about leaving, and what scares me, is that when I'm in the presence of my mother and we argue, I think of how good it would be to stab her with those knives.
I look for help on websites like this one because I have not talked to anyone , ever, about what I went through as a child and my problems. I mentioned once to my mother that my school has a free counselor, but she immediately yelled no and said that she doesn't trust those people. I am afraid to actually call a hotline because I can't even imagine what mother will do if she heard me, or talking to people, because I have some serious trust issues.