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Little Ed's RAI
Well, folks, today I had the bomb dropped down my throat... I didn't belch up a mushroom cloud or any thing. Also, it was a fairly small dose, which makes me wonder if I won't need another in the future.
I just could not decide. Everyone on here offered so much help, and I appreciate the heck out of it. It seemed to be 50/50 between this and surgery. The docs all finally got their heads together and told me this would be the best route after all. (The A-Fib episode last month may have influenced the decision.) It was quick and easy.
I really think I can hang on...and I'm taking less Xanax and having less anxiety attacks since I've being doing the Zyprexa. The only other medicine I'm on at the time is the 80mg of Inderal LA (Propranolol SA). My heart has been feeling better too.... No chest pains or palpitations. I'm thinking more clearly and I even have a little bit of libido. Garsh! All seven of my personalities got along real good today. I've felt like **** for so long I'm almost afraid to start feeling better--like I don't deserve it.
I just could not decide. Everyone on here offered so much help, and I appreciate the heck out of it. It seemed to be 50/50 between this and surgery. The docs all finally got their heads together and told me this would be the best route after all. (The A-Fib episode last month may have influenced the decision.) It was quick and easy.
I really think I can hang on...and I'm taking less Xanax and having less anxiety attacks since I've being doing the Zyprexa. The only other medicine I'm on at the time is the 80mg of Inderal LA (Propranolol SA). My heart has been feeling better too.... No chest pains or palpitations. I'm thinking more clearly and I even have a little bit of libido. Garsh! All seven of my personalities got along real good today. I've felt like **** for so long I'm almost afraid to start feeling better--like I don't deserve it.
Thanks, folks...again. I appreciate the time everybody spent. Some of it was pretty powerful stuff! You're right--I guess I am somewhat important to some people. It's just for a long time now I've been at this intersection: Turn right and try to live life...or step out. (JL you were right about my dad too.. I forgive him, and today he's like an old friend... and he even reminds me he loves me today, but I guess I still need to deal with all the "programming" he put into my head so early. He was really a kid himself then...)
The day after my whiny, poor me post, I ended up feeling pretty good. I guess that's an improvement, even if it's drug induced. I have some very bad days... with the anxiety and/or depression, but I'm having some good days too. The anger/irritability thing seems to be gone for now. And...it was a relief to know that I could go back on the thyroid blocker temporarily if I HAD to, but only after two weeks after the RAI. Meanwhile I'm taking this daily:
80 mg Inderal LA (propranolol SA)...I like this one-dose time-released better.
5 mg Zyprexa (he called it a starting dose)
50 mg Trazodone at bedtime
.5 mg Xanax "as needed," which is one to three times daily (.5mg-1.5mg) I'm supposed to gradually get away from this one.
I thought about staying away from here, and stop pestering people with all my self pity and self esteem problems, but...if nothing else...I'm another "case study" of Graves' disease and how completely screwed it is. I just wish I would've found Endo #3 first, but I was referred to #1 by my primary care physician. If anyone in the Greater Cincinnati area ever needs to see an endocrinologist--especially a person with Graves'--I would recommend Dr. Harold Pretorius, no matter how weird and eccentric he is. He's very thorough and, unlike the others I've seen, also pays serious attention to the "upstairs" part of the disease. #1 acted afraid to address that, as if she didn't want to be liable. I understand certain shrinkdope can affect people differently (I know, since most of them made me worse), and that it's an extra hassle to try and help them find the right one and the right dosage, but the mental part of the disease is something that REALLY needs to be taken seriously. Dr. Miller acted like it was just a little annoyance that I'd learn to deal with.
The day after my whiny, poor me post, I ended up feeling pretty good. I guess that's an improvement, even if it's drug induced. I have some very bad days... with the anxiety and/or depression, but I'm having some good days too. The anger/irritability thing seems to be gone for now. And...it was a relief to know that I could go back on the thyroid blocker temporarily if I HAD to, but only after two weeks after the RAI. Meanwhile I'm taking this daily:
80 mg Inderal LA (propranolol SA)...I like this one-dose time-released better.
5 mg Zyprexa (he called it a starting dose)
50 mg Trazodone at bedtime
.5 mg Xanax "as needed," which is one to three times daily (.5mg-1.5mg) I'm supposed to gradually get away from this one.
I thought about staying away from here, and stop pestering people with all my self pity and self esteem problems, but...if nothing else...I'm another "case study" of Graves' disease and how completely screwed it is. I just wish I would've found Endo #3 first, but I was referred to #1 by my primary care physician. If anyone in the Greater Cincinnati area ever needs to see an endocrinologist--especially a person with Graves'--I would recommend Dr. Harold Pretorius, no matter how weird and eccentric he is. He's very thorough and, unlike the others I've seen, also pays serious attention to the "upstairs" part of the disease. #1 acted afraid to address that, as if she didn't want to be liable. I understand certain shrinkdope can affect people differently (I know, since most of them made me worse), and that it's an extra hassle to try and help them find the right one and the right dosage, but the mental part of the disease is something that REALLY needs to be taken seriously. Dr. Miller acted like it was just a little annoyance that I'd learn to deal with.
And, by the way.....your posts alone in here have HELPED me as I go through my tunnel and head for surgery! So, there....I like you, others in here like you and you have helped others just by sharing your experiences with us all. You DO have purpose and we're all glad that you WERE born!
HUGS Ed
Hug yourself now! PLEASE!!!
Sorry for the length and several posts to say what I wanted to say, but the 800 word limit doesn't do it for my long windness! *grin*
HUGS Ed
Hug yourself now! PLEASE!!!
Sorry for the length and several posts to say what I wanted to say, but the 800 word limit doesn't do it for my long windness! *grin*
THINK.....who's life would be messed up if you weren't there...if you'd never have been born? I'm sure that you can think of at LEAST one person who has or does love you! I'm sure that you can think of at least one person whose life has been touched by you being in it. And, vice versa....people in your life who have enriched yours. If you can think of at least one person.....you have purpose! You are meant to be here!
Lastly, think of this......IF YOUR life is not worth being here for, and you shouldn't have been born, then what purpose do any of the rest of us have for being here for you are NO DIFFERENT than any of us! You are JUST like the rest of us humanbeings here on this planet. None of us are any more or any less important in this world. We all have flaws. We all have problems. None of us are perfect. None of our lives are perfect. None of us are without problems, fears or weaknesses. The trick to it all is to recognize that because of being imperfect and in spite of being imperfect, we all have purpose for being here and our purpose does matter.....no matter WHAT ONE PERSON THOUGHT OR THINKS!!! Your father was ONE person amongst several BILLION people in this world. Why should HIS point of view towards you be the ONLY judge of your worthiness of being here or your purpose or most importantly of who you were, who you are and who you will become?! Don't let his very distorted and very cruel and faulty vision of you continue to hamper your life! LET GO OF YOUR FATHER'S VIEW OF YOU! He was one person.....and, I GUARANTEE you, an IMPERFECT and flawed person at that! Think about that. Then, let go of The Lies he told you! Start asking the other several billion people on this earth now! *smile*
(cont'd below)
Lastly, think of this......IF YOUR life is not worth being here for, and you shouldn't have been born, then what purpose do any of the rest of us have for being here for you are NO DIFFERENT than any of us! You are JUST like the rest of us humanbeings here on this planet. None of us are any more or any less important in this world. We all have flaws. We all have problems. None of us are perfect. None of our lives are perfect. None of us are without problems, fears or weaknesses. The trick to it all is to recognize that because of being imperfect and in spite of being imperfect, we all have purpose for being here and our purpose does matter.....no matter WHAT ONE PERSON THOUGHT OR THINKS!!! Your father was ONE person amongst several BILLION people in this world. Why should HIS point of view towards you be the ONLY judge of your worthiness of being here or your purpose or most importantly of who you were, who you are and who you will become?! Don't let his very distorted and very cruel and faulty vision of you continue to hamper your life! LET GO OF YOUR FATHER'S VIEW OF YOU! He was one person.....and, I GUARANTEE you, an IMPERFECT and flawed person at that! Think about that. Then, let go of The Lies he told you! Start asking the other several billion people on this earth now! *smile*
(cont'd below)
Have you done NO good in your life? Have you accomplished NOTHING in your life? Have you done nothing good for anyone else? Have you not helped anyone else with anything throughout your journey on this planet?
Ed, if you can say that you've helped at least one person. If you can say that you've accomplished at least one thing in your life thus far, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. If you can say that you've made someone smile, laugh or helped them carry something when they couldn't do it for themselves. If you can say that you've finished a project that you started...even ONE. If you can say that you love someone and someone loves you back....even if that is a pet! If you can say that you've touched someone else's life in even the slightest of ways, YOU HAVE PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE!!!
It's not the grandness of what we have or do or accomplish in our lives. It's the many little things that all make our place in this world a purposeful one! We are all like threads in a woven blanket. Pull out one thread and the rest of the blanket begins to unravel.
(cont'd below)
Ed, if you can say that you've helped at least one person. If you can say that you've accomplished at least one thing in your life thus far, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. If you can say that you've made someone smile, laugh or helped them carry something when they couldn't do it for themselves. If you can say that you've finished a project that you started...even ONE. If you can say that you love someone and someone loves you back....even if that is a pet! If you can say that you've touched someone else's life in even the slightest of ways, YOU HAVE PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE!!!
It's not the grandness of what we have or do or accomplish in our lives. It's the many little things that all make our place in this world a purposeful one! We are all like threads in a woven blanket. Pull out one thread and the rest of the blanket begins to unravel.
(cont'd below)
I hear your despair and I feel your frustration over feeling that you shouldn't have been born. You said that your "old tapes" of your father's words continue to play through your mind and therefore, through your life and I know how that goes because I also faced the same thing with my parents. BOTH of them.
Let me ask you something here. WHO was your father in all reality? By that, I mean, take a look back at your father and who he was as a person. Was he such a great man in his own life? Did HE have everything "right"? Was he FIT to make these judgements upon you? Was he someone who had the ability to judge you and who you were, are or were going to be? Was he always right about everything that he did, said or thought about everything? Was he, or is he "God" and omnipotent? Or, was he simply a very messed up man within himself and saw you through his own personal inner or outward dysfunctional eyes? Was he simply looking at you and Life in general through a "Fun House Mirror"?
My bet is that if you were to really look back at your father and his life and see him for who and what he really was/is, you'll find that his words of degradation to you were merely a lashing out on you for his own inner struggles and distorted views of life. Let me ask you here. If you were standing in a psychiatric ward and 2 patients came up to you and told you, "You are the Devil" and the other said, "You are God"....would you feel believe that you ARE the devil or God because they said so? NO! And, the reason being, you recognize that they are not looking at you with a proper mind, right? The same thing holds true of what your father has told you about yourself, who you are, what you are etc.. He was judging you through HIS distortions! And, unfortunately, you have continued to judge yourself through his eyes and NOT reality!
(cont'd below)
Let me ask you something here. WHO was your father in all reality? By that, I mean, take a look back at your father and who he was as a person. Was he such a great man in his own life? Did HE have everything "right"? Was he FIT to make these judgements upon you? Was he someone who had the ability to judge you and who you were, are or were going to be? Was he always right about everything that he did, said or thought about everything? Was he, or is he "God" and omnipotent? Or, was he simply a very messed up man within himself and saw you through his own personal inner or outward dysfunctional eyes? Was he simply looking at you and Life in general through a "Fun House Mirror"?
My bet is that if you were to really look back at your father and his life and see him for who and what he really was/is, you'll find that his words of degradation to you were merely a lashing out on you for his own inner struggles and distorted views of life. Let me ask you here. If you were standing in a psychiatric ward and 2 patients came up to you and told you, "You are the Devil" and the other said, "You are God"....would you feel believe that you ARE the devil or God because they said so? NO! And, the reason being, you recognize that they are not looking at you with a proper mind, right? The same thing holds true of what your father has told you about yourself, who you are, what you are etc.. He was judging you through HIS distortions! And, unfortunately, you have continued to judge yourself through his eyes and NOT reality!
(cont'd below)
The dose you received may be just right for you. Some people receive higher doses for different reasons. My dose was 200mci but that was for cancer treatment. Hang in there.
Trish
Trish
hang in there kiddo!
while I didn't go through the RAI, I did have the surgery for graves. . .
It's been 7 weeks, and it's been quite an adventure. I've had good days and bad, but I can say that I am getting better everyday, and while there have been times when I have doubted my doctors and myself, I am better off. It takes time. Let your body heal. . .let your mind heal. You will be better.
I am here if you need anything. . .to cry, scream, vent. I do understand what it's like to life with an overactive thyroid and the aftermath of treatment.
You'll make it!
while I didn't go through the RAI, I did have the surgery for graves. . .
It's been 7 weeks, and it's been quite an adventure. I've had good days and bad, but I can say that I am getting better everyday, and while there have been times when I have doubted my doctors and myself, I am better off. It takes time. Let your body heal. . .let your mind heal. You will be better.
I am here if you need anything. . .to cry, scream, vent. I do understand what it's like to life with an overactive thyroid and the aftermath of treatment.
You'll make it!
Part 2
As far as the RAI, it's going to be a failure I'm sure. The technicianwho administered it acted confused as to why it was such a small dose. I don't know what unit it's measured in, but he said mine was 15--"very, very small"--while he's known people to be given 200. Endo #1 told me my hormones were "outrageously high," so I wonder why she gave me the low dose. It seems I'm just being strung along even more, like they're doing an experiment to see how long a person can go before their heart gives out or they just die some other way.
No matter what happens, I really do appreciate all of you and will never forget all your concern.
As far as the RAI, it's going to be a failure I'm sure. The technicianwho administered it acted confused as to why it was such a small dose. I don't know what unit it's measured in, but he said mine was 15--"very, very small"--while he's known people to be given 200. Endo #1 told me my hormones were "outrageously high," so I wonder why she gave me the low dose. It seems I'm just being strung along even more, like they're doing an experiment to see how long a person can go before their heart gives out or they just die some other way.
No matter what happens, I really do appreciate all of you and will never forget all your concern.
Thanks, everybody.
Today all of a sudden I sunk again. I woke up this morning thinking how much I hate my existence on this planet, how there's really nothing to look forward to any way--even if my thyroid and the rest of my body were perfect. I get very bitter about how life has just been nothing but a ____ sandwich for me. The dark clouds came back fast. I don't know how to describe such feelings of gloom and sadness, lonliness, anger, bitterness, frustration, and complete total hatred of myself and everything around me. I've been through therapy and shrinks and ALL the drugs. I thought this last one, Zyprexa, was helping, but now it almost seems to be making me worse. I've been kicked out of the therapist's office... and none of the other docs or counselors are in my insurance's network, so that is a closed door. I always wished I could just have a professional sit and talk with me about why I feel this way. I really think it started the day I was born. My earliest memories are of my dad pounding into my head how I can't do anything right...how I'm dumb, stupid, ugly and sissy. I thought I was over it... but it seems once things are so ingrained into somebody's mind, they just can't get them out... even if they're approaching forty years old. Life happens for people... Things just go on like they're supposed to, they find someone to love, to share life with, but for me it's almost like my existence is just a curse. Everything I've tried--and even worked hard at, including school and jobs and everything else--has been a total failure. I really and truly believe I was never supposed to be born. I hate the air I breathe.
I'm convinced this Graves' thing is just a small part of the problem. I was so hopeful a couple days ago. I thought this newest med was helping. I realize their are no miracle cures, but this is yet another disappointment. I've tried God, prayer, etc., all the spirituality stuff... and I REALLY wanted His help...not for personal gain but just help to be able to live. But, to me it's just like the therapist's office: a closed door. I realize there are folks with bigger problems than mine, but that doesn't change the way I feel. I just don't know... sometimes I think I'm just going to quit all these drugs, including the beta blockers, and let my heart explode. It would be a little easier for my mother to accept, I think, if it was a medical problem.
Today all of a sudden I sunk again. I woke up this morning thinking how much I hate my existence on this planet, how there's really nothing to look forward to any way--even if my thyroid and the rest of my body were perfect. I get very bitter about how life has just been nothing but a ____ sandwich for me. The dark clouds came back fast. I don't know how to describe such feelings of gloom and sadness, lonliness, anger, bitterness, frustration, and complete total hatred of myself and everything around me. I've been through therapy and shrinks and ALL the drugs. I thought this last one, Zyprexa, was helping, but now it almost seems to be making me worse. I've been kicked out of the therapist's office... and none of the other docs or counselors are in my insurance's network, so that is a closed door. I always wished I could just have a professional sit and talk with me about why I feel this way. I really think it started the day I was born. My earliest memories are of my dad pounding into my head how I can't do anything right...how I'm dumb, stupid, ugly and sissy. I thought I was over it... but it seems once things are so ingrained into somebody's mind, they just can't get them out... even if they're approaching forty years old. Life happens for people... Things just go on like they're supposed to, they find someone to love, to share life with, but for me it's almost like my existence is just a curse. Everything I've tried--and even worked hard at, including school and jobs and everything else--has been a total failure. I really and truly believe I was never supposed to be born. I hate the air I breathe.
I'm convinced this Graves' thing is just a small part of the problem. I was so hopeful a couple days ago. I thought this newest med was helping. I realize their are no miracle cures, but this is yet another disappointment. I've tried God, prayer, etc., all the spirituality stuff... and I REALLY wanted His help...not for personal gain but just help to be able to live. But, to me it's just like the therapist's office: a closed door. I realize there are folks with bigger problems than mine, but that doesn't change the way I feel. I just don't know... sometimes I think I'm just going to quit all these drugs, including the beta blockers, and let my heart explode. It would be a little easier for my mother to accept, I think, if it was a medical problem.
Hey Ed!
How ya doing?? Let us know how you are, and know we are here for you!!
Hugs,
Shari
How ya doing?? Let us know how you are, and know we are here for you!!
Hugs,
Shari
These are the kinds of posts that are helping me get through this. I am sooooo grateful to have found this website. i have been on only since last friday, with the whole thyroid thing, prior to that i was on the arrhythmia site. But hearing all of you "make light of this disease, MONSTER" has really helped me out. I thought i was falling apart the first few days of dx, but i think i will get through it with the support of everyone on here.
God Bless
Susie
God Bless
Susie
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