Lost

[Cloudwindgate]

I have people around me who love me but i feel so alone i need someone who love me in ways that my parents can not.  I have so many problems. I once had a long distance girl friend well let me explain i live somewhere else before and well before i had to leave because of some really ****** up events she kissed me and told me she loved me i was so shocked i started ramble and felt so stupid. So we talked but it was good for me she would listen well one day i said something stupid and well she didnt talk to me for years now i talk to her but theres this distance and i cant spill my feelings out.

People on here always say talk to those around theyll understand i dont want that there has to be a distance to keep certain things in order. So all these things in my life death of those i love losing pets that i loved so much and now my home. everything is falling apart. At times i hold up but im coming undone i need stucture in my life now more then ever but i dont have it and all my problems that i have been holding back (thats what i do im a grunny bag i hold all the stress in thing till the bag rips) is coming out and my OCD and new pohobias and my nerve tick is going crazy o and top of the things im diagnosed with i also may be bipolar.

I've told to take shelter in faith......But i cant i question faith and such things. I cant have unwaveing faith it just dosent work. i believe but my belief is not strong eough.

I'm trying to vent but it just makes me feel worse like the things at the bottom are coming up.   I have no friends im alone or atleast thats how it feels.  


Maybe im just being dramatic but it just feels these last few years my life be spiraling down the toilet bowl and at times i swim up and scream but im not heard and the world just keeps flushing the toilet trying to get me down.

[Cloudwindgate]

Many years ago i was on Clonadeine (forgive the poor spelling i do not remember how it was spelled) But i did not like taking it and it was more for my tourets but it had a claming effect i later discover this is what its meant to do. It slowed me down and would make me tired and when i was young this was fine i would nap at least once a day. As i grew older i did not want to take it and i began a phobia that has lasted forever i can only take small pills now without chewing them and at that time that was not an option so i stopped them and found my own ways to cope and for a time i over came the things that held me down i was doing great. So no i havent seen anyone in a long time having no insurance dosent really help ethier and i keep mean to see if this clinic by me has one but things just keep getting in the way.  

Thank-you for your time i hope this answers your question. People on this site have bothered me before by saying i was avoiding the question.
  

[narla]

I hear you screaming.I don't have the answers for you but I do hear you and I can listen,You can vent your feelings whenever you need.I myself have had problems with feeling It's like I'm numb and nothing matters but I'm trying to work on it.Do you see a counsellor and are you on any meds to try and help.Don't despair there are people you can talk to Hopefully I'm just the first of many.Message me any time even if it's just to ramble and vent,I might not have the answers but I will listen,I have a 24 yr old son with OCD and Tourette Syndrome and Asperger traits so I do understand feelings of detachment,I also have OCD and depression was also an alcoholic and addicted to codeine,they were my coping mechanisms.As you can see I do understand where your coming from. Keep in contact,try not to despair-Take Care  Denise