Living with the in laws is making me depressed

[hardkaur]

I have been married for 10 months now. During the several years that my husband and I were dating, we had always discussed moving out and establishing a home of our own, but he wanted me to live with his parents for a year first, as it is part of the culture, and so I agreed.

Six months into the marriage I began talking about moving out within the years time, and he would just ignore me or brush the subject off. Months later he said he didn't want to move out of his parents house, and wanted us to live with them forever and start a family there. He felt it was his "turn to take care of them" because he had had such a good childhood, and his parents had taken care of him his whole life. His mother did everything for him before we got married, from making his meals, to washing his clothes, and such. I  told him that I refuse to live with his parents because of how bad my relationship has become with my mother in law and also with my husband. My father in law is pretty neutral in all this. My relationship with my husband has suffered BIG TIME, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. We don't have a lot of privacy at all, there is one tv, and we all share one bathroom. My mother in law doesn't work so she is always at home. Whenever I try to talk to my husband about these issues he gets upset with me. He says to let him tell his parents "with his own time" about us moving out, and he also says that he hates looking for houses and that he doesn't know how long its going to take for him to even like being moved out with me, even though this is what we had planned since day one.

I'm really sad about all this, and am hoping he will own up to his promise, but it is affecting my feelings now, and I'm starting to emotionally detach myself without even trying. I try to talk to him about this but he just gets upset with me and then he's so distant for a few days, and it makes it really hard for me to even gather the courage to talk to him about this. Any suggestions, or is anyone going through the same thing???

[iam1butterfly]

Too bad that during those "several years" of dating this mama's boy you didn't know
his parents well enough to know that you wouldn't have wanted to live with them.
Anyway, it sounds like you're up for some stiff competition with the mother; but, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're "stuck" in your unhappy situation.
Keep reminding your husband of the 1 year agreed upon living arrangement and maybe start looking for houses... on your own.
Also, if you haven't done so, why not find something to do outside the home? ... Get a job; take college courses... try to find something to do that is both personally fulfilling and that'll offer you some breathing space. It probably won't solve your problem but it could help offset some of your frustration and disappointment.

[heatherlynn22]

start looking and when you find a house set a date. tell him if he wants to live with his wife and start a family he can live with you. give him the address....and go. if he doesn't well...momma won. perhaps you'd be able to visit him on weekends. (yes that was sarcastic)

[SaraB1]

I lived with my in-laws for a year while my husband and I were engaged while we saved to purchase our home. My relationship with my mother-in-law was never the same. Living under another woman's roof (unless its your own mother) is extremely difficult. You will never be the woman of that house. You might want to consider giving your husband an utlimatum. He promised one year. You will hold up your end by staying the additional two months and start looking for housing elsewhere. In my similar experience, I agree with heatherlynn...I'd go without him.

[teko]

Two women trying to run the same house never works unless, as you say, it is part of the culture and then you would have to bend under her guidance, otherwise big problems develop that may never be solved.  It is unfair of your husband to force you to stay in his mothers house, and it is unfair to his mother as well.  

Since your relationship is suffering anyway and may well end as a result of all this, why dont you find a place to live yourself, move out and let him decide which he wants, a life with you or mom.  I know it sounds drastic, buy hey! Drastic times call for drastic measures.  Personally! I would be hoofin it! Period, no more talking, begging, fighting,  nothin! Done deal! His choice! And if he does not rise to the occasion then you are better off without him anyways!

[Judy246]

It's time for your husband to have his umbilical cord cut from mama. It is his new role now to have his own home, family, etc, away from the family. Give his a time frame and if he does not agree, then start making a plan for a seperation (not divorce), because it might give him a reality check that no woman wants to start a new home and family, with the parents. I personally think that tradition only causes problems. Time for change. Either he agrees to set a date on moving out of his parents home, or it's time for you to make a plan to leave.

[trappedhere]

I know what you are going through.  I also married a guy from another culture that has similar customs.  The thing that makes me the most mad, is that he always made it seems like he was real detached from his parents when we were falling in love in college, so I really feel like I got "tricked into my situation."  When I couldn't find a job right away in locations that were not near the area where his parents lived after I graduated college, he announced that we were going to live with his parents only short term until we saved money to pay off bills/student loans, and perhaps have some money to put down on a house.  He totally ignored me when I said, "well what about moving in with my parents?"  From the first day that we moved into his parents house, we have not saved a single penny--that is not an exaggeration!  His parents were always asking for money to help pay for this and for that.  Hell, we were basically renters!  And even his parents told us themselves that it would be "smart for us to move in with them for a little while to save money"  What a bunch of F******' liars!  Everytime I refused to give them a large sum of money ( I had found a job by then), I found out that my husband gave them the money (either all or half of it etc.) just to "keep them from whining about it"  I was so F*****' outraged by this that I insisted that we move out or that I would move without him.  Well, we moved out about 8 months later and wouldn't you know, during that time, my ******* of a father in law ran off with another woman, so now my mother in law who always crys to my husband about all her problems is always with us, no matter what apt. we are living in.  and guess what......my stupid husband is still paying for some stuff for her at times and still giving her money without my consent.  He is even giving his lazy sister money as well, which pisses me off, because she and her husband need to get off their A** and get jobs and stop living off welfare/unemployment.  I just cant shake these F*****' leaches!  The thing that kills me the most, is that if we would have at least moved in with my parents, we ACTUALLY would have saved money and have had our own wonderful lives by now.....because my family are GIVERS and not takers.  My parents have never in my entire life asked me for one single cent.  In fact, I am embarrased sometimes, that even thought they are not rich people, that they even try to still give me a few dollars here and there.  Although I have brought this subject up to my dear husband several times, he doesn't want to discuss it and says that he has a plan and things are under control.  Well, obviously it's not, and I have asked him to attend marriage and financial counseling with me at our church.  Seriously, I feel like if he will not take steps to correct this serious issue, that I will be forced to consider separation and/or divorce.  This is getting ridiculous, and I am definitely not being respected by the man I thought loved me and especially not by my inlaws.   As much as it would hurt me to cut ties with this man whom I actually am in love with, I cannot live any longer with the pain and depression and abuse that this has caused me personally.  

[Awsedr]

I am 5 months pregnant and going thought the same things as all of you. Want can I do before I hurt or killmyself, the pain is unbearable it hurts too much now  

[specialmom]

If it is this miserable, please talk to your husband about what other options you have.  I would do what you can to find a different living arrangment.  If you are seriously in the mode of wanting to hurt or kill yourself, please talk to your physician (even your ob/gyn).  Perhaps you are depressed as well.  good luck

[Judy246]

Suicide is never the answer. A person who want's to commit suicide does not have the proper coping skills necessary to deal with problem that in reality is a "temporary" situation. Also, life is too precious. It is a gift that does not belong to you to take. Also, your are pregnant, carrying precious innocent life and if you commit suicide, you would also be committing murder of that innocent life, so before you do something unforgivable, STOP, step back and take time to think of the right plan to remove yourself and your unborn child from this situation.

You must be strong for you and your unborn child. You must find the right time to "discuss" with your husband that you are so unhappy that you feel unstable, because of the situation you both are in. Communication and trust are the foundation of a relationship and if he loves you, he must listen and then properly respond with care and compassion and an agreement to work on the issues that need to be addressed.  Sit down and tell him that living with his parents is effecting you physcially, mentally and emotionally to the point where you can't function anymore and you no longer want to live this way. Ask him, "how can you and I come to an agreement on this arrangement that is effecting me to the point where I don't want to live anymore". Tell him that you want to have a home of your own with him and your blessing to come and no longer want to live with anyone else but him! You must be firm. Tell him you love him, but that you no longer want to continue in this arrangement and what is he going to do to change it immediately. Also, speak with your parents if possible for support and guidance, but do not stay in a situation where you are unhappy and suicide is an offense against life and never the answer. It's an offense against God also, so please keep us posted here and we can talk or simply listen and offer a guiding word. Good Luck, Judy

[Trudy48]

I'm Sorry for your troubles. Yes it can be hell. I know...

Find a place of your own. Momma's boys usually never change.

But think about your life...20 years down the road you will hate him

Find a small place of your own dear you will be happy trust me on this one. Who knows he might follow you...but a least YOU will be free.

[Reemap82]

I am going through the same trauma before marriage my husband promised we would move out after a year.... It's only been 3 months and when I bring it up he gets angry and says its open for discussion after a year and that doesn't mean we will move out! I am 2 months pregnant and this wasn't planned however we are going ahead with pregnancy! Financially we will comfortably be able to pay bills, mortgage and save! However if  ext year my husband says no I have decided to leave him! I am 30 and refuse to live like I'm 16 being scared to ask if I can go out as his parents don't like it, unable wear what I want and them imposing their religion on me as I'm Hindu and he is Sikh! I'm so fed up now!

[Reemap82]

I am going through the same trauma before marriage my husband promised we would move out after a year.... It's only been 3 months and when I bring it up he gets angry and says its open for discussion after a year and that doesn't mean we will move out! I am 2 months pregnant and this wasn't planned however we are going ahead with pregnancy! Financially we will comfortably be able to pay bills, mortgage and save! However if  ext year my husband says no I have decided to leave him! I am 30 and refuse to live like I'm 16 being scared to ask if I can go out as his parents don't like it, unable wear what I want and them imposing their religion on me as I'm Hindu and he is Sikh! I'm so fed up now!

[Buxton26]

I have been living with the in laws for just over a year.  It was both mine and my husbands decision due to having a plan to build an annex for them and us live in their house.  It is getting to the point I can't stand it any more.  She is always in my space, worrying about everything and using any excuse to come upstairs and talk to me about things that don't matter. Ahhhhhh, I wish she would just leave me alone.  I am starting to worry that the Annex is not a good idea!

[joules1225]

I know what you mean. My MIL is always at home so I never really have any privacy for intimacy. I can't help that I am always worried that she'll knock on the door or listen in on our "music". I have a rabbit and she uses that as an excuse to barge in the room. My fiance is an only child and his mother is his only blood relative left. It's hard to put boundaries on that.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  This is an older post with Buxton not posting here since 2012.  

We are always happy to try to help.  If you start your own thread, you will get more responses.  To do so, you can go to the top of this page and find the orange "ask a question" spot.  Hit that and a window will open up for you to post a question of your own.  peace and good luck

[Moomooluckynumber]

Glad I found this discussion. I thought I was the ***** one. You have no idea how depressed I am living with my mother in law. Don´t get wrong, she is awesome, very nice and kind. But my relationship with my husband is dying rapidly ever since we lived with his mom about one year ago. I have been married for 3 years but since my husband lost his job we had to move in with his mom and now that he and I have a job somehow he doesn´t want to move out to save money. I feel like crying all the time. I feel like I have lost my freedom. I feel like I have lost my life. I feel like I can never have good sex anymore. My soul has died. I am going insane. But I can only keep it for myslef because my husband always got upset and he made me feel guilty everytime I tried to tell him how I feel. I understand that he loves his mom, and I love his mom too. But oh my God, I need to get out of here. I would rather live in a shack, my own private shack, than to live in this fancy house :-(

[sam_nv]

I have been married for almost 2 years....never ever kive with in laws...my mother in law sleeps all day so I am left to cook amd clean...they forced me to leave my job befpre marriage as its not acceptable and forced me to wear a face veil....I have had an argument with the mother in law as I am sick of me cleaning after em...now I just stay in my room after the chores and she gets up around 2...checks whats cooked...lazy as hell...I'm hoping in a few years I'll move out....her own daughter sleeps all day and is treated like a kid..I told her straight ur daughter should clean and at least wash her dishes and this caused ww3...theirfirst d in law has told me a lot too

[specialmom]

Hi there.  This is an old post.  For more responses, start your own post.  The unfortunate thing is this sounds cultural.  I wouldn't imagine anyone would 'knowingly' get involved in a family that runs this way.  And divorce is something that does happen in my culture.  is this something that is an option?

[Jainsn]

Its not that it is the western communities mind set. The belief that to have privacy we should have to live alone but do not even try and settle in such an environment. In some cases I agree with you for example,- if a MIL is completely nasty towards yourself or any case which resembles to such an outward. However many women result to believing this outcome, even if there mother in law is a angel guiding them they will still infuriate the hate in themselves as a devil. If a women can even try to enjoy herself in such an environment, it may even be the best for her-its not like a person lives forever!                      The more you try, The more better you get and The more you'll live a happy life.                                                            Written by a 16 year old who has observed such households.

[SarahO01]

This is such ********. Why should she have to?

[rudhss]

ch a good childhood, and his parents had taken care of him his whole life. His mother did everything for him before we got married, from making his meals, to washing his clothes, and such. I told him that I refuse to live with his parents because of how bad my relationship has become with my mother in law and also with my husband. My father in law is pretty neutral in all this. My relationship with my husband has suffered BIG TIME, sexually, emotionally, and mentally. We don't have a lot of privacy at all, there is one tv, and we all share one bathroom. My mother in law doesn't work so she is always at home. Whenever I try to talk to my husband about these issues he gets upset with me. He says to let him tell his parents "with his own time" about us moving out, and he also says that he hates looking for houses and that he doesn't know how long its going to take for him to even like being moved out with me, even though this is what we had planned since day one. I'm really sad about all this, and am hoping he will own up to his promise, but it is affecting my feelings now, and I'm starting to emotionally detach myself without even trying. I try to talk to him about this but he just gets upset with me and then he's so distant for a few days, and it makes it really hard for me to even gather the courage to talk to him about this. Any suggestions, or is anyone going through the same thing???
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[SarahO01]

I almost ended up in your situation and had to put my foot down. So glad now. FIL spends all his time while we are together as a family thinking of ways to annoy me.

[rudhss]

I m three month pregnant going through same thing and I m going crazy

[SarahO01]

Move out before you have kids. Let your husband deal with it. If he truely loves you he'll honor his promise ^_-. I'm an Irish lady married to a Korean. Love his mum but as you can imagine an Irish woman and patriarical father in law don't mix.

[Narrewarren]

Can i give you a hug? I feel the same way! And I thought I was just being selfish all this time. :( How do I pursue my freedom without looking like a total B*tch :(

[chiefgoddess]

Can I join the hug too??? I've been living with my in laws for 3years now and I'm starting to resent my mother in law. I've been wanting to get out but my husband isn't doing anything!!!!! Makes me want to leave him but I can't we already have 1child and I seriously want out own place before things get worse

[Choongirl]

I have never lived with inlaws the three years I've been married, until now. It is hell. We are staying here until we get our own house, which he promises will be before christmas. But i don't see any progress happening. I have an 18 month old baby and the idiotic advice has been pouring in. I get no help with her and I have to do chores also. Since no one wants to watch her more than five minutes, I have to do my work when she is sleeping. Meaning I get no rest all day and when she is asleep at night I have wash the dinner dishes and clean up the kitchen for the morning. And when I do go to bed the b*tch opens the door and checks up on me. We have to give them money for groceries and then we still have to buy diapers, milk, nestum and other baby stuff. Plus give her money to put gas in the car. I can't even wear the clothes I want. If I want to go out I have to tell her before I go and she asks me all these questions. I hate her. Everything I do is wrong. My husband use to help with the baby but he doesn't anymore, it all falls on me. He has even started drinking. Very sad over here.

[Trappedwife]

I wonder if you resolved your situation. Im the same way and I have fallen into depression. Husband said he cant leave hos parents to fend for themselves, so he is making us stay with them. We were supposed to have our own place but he keeps delaying it by spending all the money on them. My mil is fking annoying. She woukd often threaten my husband that shes going to die and we cant come to the funeral. I'm so stressed of this bs and dont know what to do. We are asians so you know how family can be.

[Shernandez9]

I'm in the same boat and yesterday me and my husband had an argument that escalated to me balling my eyes out and asking him to move out at that moment... I think that's when he realized I was hurting the more we stay here, so he promised we'd start the house buying process

[Trappedwife]

You are lucky that he promised to look for a house. For me, things got worse. We fight all the time and he said i have to treat his parents the same way i treat mine. It's impossible when they are so difficult and mean. I feel like i'm losing control of my life and I'm slowly dying in that house. I haven't officially moved in yet and i don't want to. I feel like life is over after this. the options i have now are either stay married and live there or divorce.

[cluelessgender]

I am too going through same issue.I have been married for 2.5 years now also am 2 months pregnant too.The way they live is very different,I dislike their many habits like cleanliness routine is not good,entire day they want to sit in darkness with curtains,windows and doors closed the house doesn't have any ventilation.They want to sit with lights on in the day and switch it off as the evening starts all this makes me very depressed.At my mother's place I use to feel very energetic but here I feel very de motivated my interest level in house chores is less I don't feel like moving out of my room but my husband too works from home and he too likes to work in cozy dark room occupying our bedroom there no private space here,feels like ending my life.I have discussed about all my issues to my husband but he is not able to leave his parents specially his mother as she has sacrificed a lot for his studies and he thinks he wants to take care of them now.I don't say to shift in different city or far off location I too want to stay close by where we are a call away but my husband wants to buy two flats together on same floor where the kitchen area is same.I am totally against it and don't feel like sharing my life space with them any more.In anger I even confronted my mil and she reacted in very typical Indian mil where she is feeling that am taking away her son.How Do I explain her that it's time that we should maintain distance for healthy relationships and not force each other to be together