sister with lung cancer

[Weney3777]

Hi all. first post. my sister in law has inoperable lung cancer. she found out in april, had radiation and is having chemo. here's the thing..she won't quit drinking, smoking, and takes way more pills then she should. the doctors say she's always dehydrated and that if she keeps smoking, the tumor will spread for sure. I've gotten mad at her for not going to appointments, told her she needs to quit smoking terribly, and just plain broke down to her and said I didn't want to lose her(she's like a true sister). What else can I do to help her on this journey? I really want her to recover and go into remission, but it doesn't seem possible at this point. Any input would help.

[Weney3777]

I visited my sister on Friday night and we had a great time. Of course, she offered, and I took, but I know it's not her fault. I'm just going to be there for her whenever she needs me, while battling my own demons at the same time.

[Weney3777]

Fair. I am on day 15. As far as with my sister, I have only spoken to her once this week. It's a weird situation, because not only does she have cancer, but she's on many pills, and I'm trying to quit. So, everytime I see her, she offers me lortab, oxys. It's hard. I keep telling her no, and please don't offer, but she just doesn't seem to get it. I know she just wants company in her time of pain, and I hate not seeing her, but it's complicated, you know? I try calling her everyday, but she doesn't want to answer, it seems, the more I turn her down. When we use to party together, I would see her just about every day, and talk to her on the phone for hours. But now, I feel I'm losing her for more reasons than cancer alone. All I know is that I miss her.

[leeisgettingclean]

hey how are things going?

[Weney3777]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will accept her no matter what her choices are. And, of course, always be there for her for any of her needs. It helps me to know others feel my pain and fear of losing her.

[leeisgettingclean]

i also will be praying for you two, I do know its hard to watsh this lind of behavior unfold. Thanks everyone how has joined so far!

[NautyOne]

Hi Wendy,

Unfortunately, just being there to support her is all you can do.  Most people who get faced with these terrible circumstances do wind up cleaning up their act.  Given it's been about 6 months?....yeiks.  Its very sad, and selfish of her to do this, but in reality....it is her life.  As painful as I am sure it must be to watch this, you can only be there for her as a friend (sister) and pray for the best....

I PRAY FOR THE BOTH OF YOU

LUV
NAUTY>>>>>>>

[ginsa]

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a personal diffuculty. It can be very hard to accept what another person chooses to do, especially when it appears self destructive. I know what it's like to see someone spiral down, but in the case of your SIL, her way of coping with a problem that seems hopeless. What you can do for her, and for yourself is to ask her " What can I do to help." And accept her answer, and then do whatever practical thing for her that you can see to do, and try to be at peace with the situation. If you keep after her about her behaviors all you may be accomplishing is to make her feel disconnected to you. And she really needs your love, acceptance, and support.

A chronic or terminal illness can rob the sufferer of so much. One of the most important things is a sense of personal power. That in turn can diminish self-esteem and even dignity. Be very careful of how you approach her with your concerns. It seems like you actually are very kind to her when broaching the subject, but you have made it clear how you feel, and that's all you can do. Whatever you do, don't guilt her. Let this be all about her. And let her know that you love her no matter what choices she makes. Doing this will help you cope with the outcome of her illness, knowing that you did all you could to support her and respect her dignity.

My heart goes out to you. My youngest sister was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and the anguish of the possibilities is almost too much to contemplate.

Peace be with you.

[leeisgettingclean]

Hey Wendi, Thanks for posting here. I understand how you feel, I am in the same situation with my mother. Her health requires that she stops taking pills but she refuses to do so. It is very hard to sat back and watch them go down theis road, it makes me question I am not good enough to her for her to quit, is her life so bad she rather die than quit, and all those kinds of things, but in the end I think we have to come to a point of acceptance. Just as we had to accept we have a disease of addiction,  we must accept these people in our lives have the same disease however, unlike us, getting clean and healing is not an option for them, you see they know they will never go back to where they were before using, they are truely sickened right now. They need our support and love, they need to know we are going to stand by them one way or another till the end. We must study not only there addiction but also there other conditions so we can learn more about what they are going through, we can not imagine how much true pain they are in, we only know the addiction, but we dont know how it is along with cancer. Drus are a way of escaping, a way of not feeling, a way of not accepting , and if we had cancer or another deadly illness, are those not the things we would want? I am not justifying your sister-in-laws using, I am only saying we have to be a little more patient with these people, we have to give them time to accept there illness, we must grow with them closer to healing without pushing them away, the truth of it is some die before reaching that point, we can only pray that our famiies find what we found in recovery from addiction, and hope we find what they found in strenght during this time in there lives. It takes a strong person to live sick, so even if our families dont appear strong on the outside, they are strong on the inside