Greetings,
I am sorry that you are having house soiling problems with your dog. However, the belief that dogs urinate or defecate as a "statement" that they are angry or upset with us is untrue and it is a myth that, while widely held, has caused immense amounts of improper training and treatment of dogs. Elimination is a basic need and dogs do not use elimination to "get back" at their owners. The reason that people believe this is because, just like every other mammal, including humans, stress and anxiety tend to trigger the need to eliminate. When a dog is stressed (and being left alone is often stressful for many dogs), elimination is one of the responses. This is never about the owner, except perhaps in the perspective that the owner needs to attend better to his or her dog's needs. In addition to anxiety, the second, and much more common, cause of house soiling, is inadequate or incomplete house training. When owners insist that their dog "knows it is wrong" to eliminate in the house because the dog always eliminates out of sight in another room, this occurs only because the dog has been punished (yelled at, hit) in the past for mistakes and has learned that the way to avoid this punishment when they feel the need to eliminate is to do so out of sight of the owner.
My advice to you is to first stop thinking of this problem as being about your dog trying to send a message to you or about your dog "being able to hold it". Instead, you need to retrain your dog to eliminate outdoors and to not eliminate indoors. This is best accomplished using a crate or small room, preferably a room that she has not previously soiled. She should be crated in your bedroom at night so that you can take her out if she needs to go out. You must also establish a very regular and consistent schedule of automatically taking her outside to eliminate. We recommend every 30 minutes to begin, to ensure that she never feels the need to eliminate indoors. Establish a cue word, such as "go potty" and always take her to a similar area (that is kept picked up, of course). Keep her on lead, or stay with her, so that you can see that she has eliminated. The rule indoors is that she is not allowed out of your sight for at least the first month of retraining, and all rooms that she has soiled previously are cleaned thoroughly with a biologic cleaner and she is not allowed access to those rooms. If you cannot watch her, she must be crated or confined. The most important aspect of retraining is to provide plenty of opportunities to go outdoors and to prevent opportunities for her to use the carpet indoors.
As far as punishment goes; do NOT punish her for eliminating in the house, even if you "catch her in the act" (another myth that needs to be put to rest). This probably contributed to this problem in the first place. I cannot emphasize enough that you need to change your attitude about the reasons that this is occurring (after all, do you use your toilet habits to show your displeasure with a loved one? Similarly, it is incorrect to believe that dogs do this). Once you change your perspective and view this as a need for training and not for punishment, hopefully your relationship with your girl will improve.
Linda Case
AutumnGold Consulting and Dog Training Center
Author: "Canine and Feline Behavior and Training: A Complete Guide to Understanding Our Two Best Friends"
www.autumngoldconsulting.com