Assistance with young adults angry for rules at home

[Angie724]

I have a near 21 year old son and a near 20 year old daughter who have blamed me for being so mean to them while growing up.  Son has mostly moved out but daughter has not and I would rather both just stayed and went to college.  Dad is a "great guy and husband" but we differ GREATLY on raising children and I have been the disciplinarian, being with them the most and still spending time I did not want to even when I was tired and worn out but stayed consistant to rules.  I have to put a fire under Dad's butt to push issues and both children know if I would not say anything, he would just look the other way.  I have been trying SO hard to talk with them and be a friend so they know I am there for them if they need, but not be their friend and let them know I am the parent.  All's well until something comes up and they are "told off" for bad behavior (ie: they don't want to do chores etc) or not doing what is asked of them.  It always ends the same, we all argue and my spouse shuts me out, but just does not like any conflict.  I love him and pretty sure I don't want a divorce especially as now the kids are grown (we did everything with them in school etc, did not go out without them but about 10-20 times all their lives), I like that I have a life to do things I want (horses) but I know I will lose them if I divorce.  Need place to read on this topic!

[Jaquta]

You could possibly try parenting books as a potential resource.
I don't know what the problem is, whether it is because you feel undermined and unsupported by your husband or whether you fear your children growing up and leaving.  I think this is more about you though and not your husband or children.

Regarding your kids I think that if you treated them with respect and gave them some responsibility it may help.
I also think that a parent can be a best friend.  I don't think you need to wear different hats for different roles.  It sounds like you're complicating things a little.
Go out and enjoy your life (horses) and lead by example.

[jupsie]

Im not critisizing but honestly it doesn't seem like you are as strist as you say you are. I have a 25 yr old and a 22yr old living at home and they are demanded to do chores. They live here too. Why should i be the dog and lick up all the crap. No i dont think so. Its called respect and you must demand it of them. It sounds like you are a great and caring mom and they better appreciate that or they can go live somewhere else if they dont want to pitch in and follow the rules in your home. That is what i tell mine. I ask them would you be happier somewher else? Would your life be easier somewhere else? If so go, good luck, good bye.
I feel your pain :( Dont let them treat you with disrespect.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Thanks for your post -- your issue seems actually to be less about dealing with your kids' anger at your rules, and more about the lack of support you feel from your spouse for the enforcement of the rules.  I think the place to start is to speak to your husband about why you feel it is necessary to have the rules you have, why his lack of support of those rules is a lack of support of you, and why he is so worried about conflict.   As far as things to read that would help, offhand I cannot think of what would help, but I wonder if other readers have any suggestions.