Step daughter and father relationship

[aspengold]

My second husband of 10 years will take his adult 29 year old daughter out for dinner, however, when he does they do the same things we do together.  Last night, for example he took her to our favorite fine dining restaurant, sat at the bar and shared food and bottle of wine, exactly the way we like to spend time together, when he told me of his evening it sounded like my favorite thing to do with him.  When I am not in town he will take her out and spend evenings out exactly like we do.  My husband and I always think of this as our special place together as a sortof date night out.  When I am not in town he will call his daughter and take her out in my place doing exactly the same things that we enjoy doing together.  This Christmas he bought her very expensive earrings from my favorite jewelery store where his also got me a christmas present and has for many years. He thinks i am jealous, I think there is something very strange about the situation and he is taking the special times we have together and making them special with his adult daughter.  I don't know how to handle this, i am confused, what should I do?

[specialmom]

Sounds like he just really loves his daughter.  He's not supporting her, he's not doing anything inappropriate, he just enjoys her company. She's an adult----  I think it is lovely that they can go out together and enjoy dinner and some wine.  It's nice that he is generous with her at Christmas.  

I'm afraid that I'm not seeing what the problem is here.  ???

[MommaB185]

I DO!   He made the special time with his wifeeee....NOT so special anymore.  I suppose women who are going through something similar can only feel the same.  I too have a S.O. who's adult daughter get the same treatment.  I too feel the special time and experiences we have...can't wait to be shared the SAME with his daughter.  I know it may seem weird, but he's been dating me and I feel like the daughter is the other woman.

[TuxedoCatgingercat]

I have two minds about this--it might be dad-daughter time, and he really loves his daughter.  It could be close to the line proper, improper, too.  I don't know.  I married (my first time) a divorced man with four kids ages 14-22.  The 16-year old wanted to bake and cook, okay, but once she told her father I told her that is my kitchen and she could not use it.  Lie! The old man believed her and got real mad at me. He ran to his daughter for help whenever  he got hurt,  the youngest daughter had to help him when he put siding  on the house (kid couldn't see her friends or see TV or read until he finished after five days.) The girls had to wash all his clothes, you get the idea, when I would tell him let the girls have their teenage fun, and get used to me, I am your wife.  He never caught on to what my problem was.  No, I was not jealous of the kids.  But I thought something was fishy in Denmark.

[aspengold]

They do exactly what we do together, almost as if she is a replacement for me when I am not available.

[TuxedoCatgingercat]

"When I am not available" makes me wonder if he is needy and has to do things with somebody with him, as far as going to a movie or eating out , or for some hokey other reason.  Can it be he misses his first wife and wants to go out with the daughter because is "part of the family I used to have?" When I got married, my dad said to
me, 'Honey, you will never be first with him."  How true.  This is  just me, but I don't think you should be the "replacement"  but have activities to do with your husband that are special fun for you two.  Daughter does not have to duplicate them with dad, she is old enough to understand that concept of husband and wife should come first with other and have some specials for themselves outside the home.  She is pushing 30, for heaven sake!

[specialmom]

Perhaps he does what he likes to do with you as he does with his daughter.  If he goes some where, say a resturant and really loved it and enjoyed himself. Why wouldn't he want to go there next time he went out to eat with his daughter?  Why does that have to do with you?  

I'm just not seeing it.  

[specialmom]

I have places that I enjoy eating at.  I may go there with my husband.  If my girlfriends and I have an evening to go out to eat, I may suggest this great resturant that I enjoyed with my husband.  We may go there.  We may wait in the bar and order a bottle of wine as I do with my husband.  Is that inappropriate?  

[MommaB185]

When your husband and you have a special song...and now it becomes the special song of the daughter and husband, or you and your girlfriends...?!?   See where it's not special anymore???

[Kramer2006]

The word jealousy is thrown about to easily on this fourm.  When one becomes jealous it it b/c they are being or feeling threatened by another.  It's not the big oaf of a green eyed monster.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with Your Husband - You sound jealous to me also.

Taking His Daughter to the same place You and He feel Special about is NOT taking anything from You. You are making this sound like some kind of "competition" and there should be NO competition between You and His Daughter!  You are His Wife, She is His Daughter - I'm absolutely sure He "treats" You both differently - even when He takes You both to the same restaurant!!  You are the TWO most important, most Loved, Women in His Life - but I'll betcha He treats Her like a Daughter and You like a Wife (even when at the same restaurant. Or at the jewelry store).

and

When You are not in town and He takes His Daughter out for an evening, I would think You would feel Cozy and Warm knowing He's with His Daughter!!

It sounds kinda, sorta weird to me that You would feel this kind of "competition" regarding Your Husband's Daughter.  

He sounds like a Kind, Loving, Sensitive Husband AND Father.

[MommaB185]

It's SO not weird when you are on the other side and seeing how weird it really gets.  LOL     I put my foot down and got a backbone.  Things r a changing!

[aspengold]

Because he takes her to what we always consider our special place that is very romantic.  It was always what the two of us do together and now he takes her at least once a week, this is not special evening out, rather it feels like he is dating her.  

[RockRose]

I keep trying to see our side of it,  but I don't.  I guess my husband and I just like our "special places" because they have great ambiance,  good food, wonderful memories.  

It also sounds like he trusts that jewelry store and will take his business there when he wants to buy jewelry.

I agree with the others - you sound off-track here to me.  

[specialmom]

I just don't get it.  It's a resturant.  good food, nice atmosphere, he likes it.  He takes his daughter.  Why is this a big deal?  Are you afraid they are having an affair?  (joke)

Sadly, I must agree that you do sound jealous of her.  I'm a married woman.  I can't imagine that I wouldn't want to go to a resturant with my sons because my husband and I really enjoy it.  

[aspengold]

Right "special places" was for the two of us, now he could take her to many other places we go, the weird factor is this was the one place we have our friends and relationships, and when we go in together, our friends joke that I am the other woman....

[specialmom]

I'm afraid you are going to cause an issue in your marriage if you don't let this go.  I honestly don't see what you are upset about.  I hope that my sons and I will enjoy nice dinners together when they are adults and that no one looks at it as a problem.  peace

[RockRose]

So often you and your husband go there with friends a lot,  and when you're not there he goes with his daughter and I guess bumps into the same friends there?  

It wouldn't occur to me, as one of your friends after seeing this to joke that you are "the other woman".  

I'm just not getting this at all,  I'm sorry.  You go there,  and your friends do too but somehow you and your friends think it's weird that he takes his daughter there.

[Londres70]

From a stepmother's point of view there is nothing going on here.  

You ever think that he might like taking two important women in his life to the same nice restaurant and also likes buying them quality jewelry?  

You ever think that these are favorite places for him to frequent because the service and quality is superb?  

My father would get everyone flowers from the same shop, jewelry from the same shop, etc.   For him it was just easier, plus he knew the customer service was excellent and the prices were reasonable.  It meant nothing more and nothing less in my eyes.  

"I don't know how to handle this, i am confused, what should I do?"........Quit trying to make this an issue because it isn't.  Choose your battles carefully.  

Sounds like you don't get along with the stepdaughter, however, there is NO need to take things to this level.  Just because you don't want her to be considered just as important as you are doesn't mean you should start drama to hinder your husband's interaction with his daughter.  

You have a skewed view of this.  I would say there is NO problem here.  

[Londres70]

"the weird factor is this was the one place we have our friends and relationships, and when we go in together, our friends joke that I am the other woman.... "........And what is the point here?  Obviously your friends make terrible, tasteless jokes.  That's all I am getting from this statement of yours.  

Well, why don't you find another jeweler and/or restaurant that isn't per se tainted?  

Dear, I wouldn't press your luck with making this an issue with your husband.  You might end up with NO husband if you do.  Don't do this to him.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

No one here is seeing this the same way You are (or as Your Husband sees it, for that matter!)  Does this ring a bell with You? i.e., that YOUR conception could be misguided??  Would You feel the same way if this were YOUR Daughter also??  I think not!! - You would feel "good" that Your Husband gave His and YOUR Daughter attention.  You are trying to make His Daughter "something" more than a DAUGHTER, and this is a big mistake on Your part.

Men do NOT feel the same "love" for Their Daughters that They do for Their Wives.  It almost sounds like You want Him to "choose" and that's totally unfair.
  
So - He takes Both of You to His "favorite" place for dinner.  And shops for Both of You at His "favorite" Jeweler.  So what!!??.
His intimacy is for YOU!!

(how long have You been Married?? -  and did You know He had a good relationship with His Daughter before You married Him?  and do You realize that You cannot enter the "picture" "later" and "change" the Relationship between Him and His Daughter without creating resentment from Both of Them??!! - They were BOTH there before You)
Sorry if that sounded harsh - I only meant for You to realize that Their Relationship existed BEFORE You "came along".

[aspengold]

No he and his daughter did not have a great relationship, actually no relationship at all, I helped bring them together. What you all fail to realize is that the restaurant is a place my husband and I go and sit at the bar and share a bottle of wine, and share our meal.Rather than getting a table  with his daugheter in the dining room and enjoying conversation and each other he and his daughter cozy up to the bar, share everything, drink a several vodka drinks ( the same type), then a bottle of wine whatever and make it an evening of getting drunk together ( which my husband and I do not do)
I have two adult children of my own and  do take them out to dinner and enjoy there company, just not in the fashion my husband is doing with his daughter.

[marngrif]

It sounds like she has no boyfriend and she likes the company of a man, that happens to be her father AND he likes this newly found attention from this young woman and it makes him feel like a young man again. They sound more like friends than father daughter. Sometimes logic doesn't make sense and you have to go with your gut feeling. There is a marriage at stake here, but why should aspengold have to feel like she's in a triangle. It should be He and her husband, and then her daughter. That's ********, pardon the language--favourite restaurant?? Jewellery???

[Kramer2006]

Daddy is her bff til she finds a new one.

[Ariane713]

Perhaps your issue is you have a perception of how their relationship should be and since it is not it makes you uncomfortable. Like you said you prefer they stay home because thats what you feel is appropriate, instead they choose to enjoy each other at a restaurant and you dont like it for some strange reason. I have cooked for my father, gone out to eat, and yes gotten drunk and stayed up all night cracking jokes. Would you find that strange? Its not up to you to dictate how they spend their time.

[aspengold]

They can enjoy each other at a restaurant as much as they want, what he is doing is the exact thing we do together for our date night out.  I would like him to not take her to a romantic place, rather a fun place that they can enjoy as a father/daughter time.  This morning when he told me about their evening out, he caught him self and said yes we did exaclty what we do.

[Ariane713]

She is not a child though she is a woman and what she considers as a good time is going to be similar to yours. I am 23 and I consider going out, talking, drinking, eating with my dad as a good bonding time. I would be confused as to why anyone would see it as more than that just because of the location.

[specialmom]

I'm just going to say that you've gotten pretty consistent responses here.  No one else gets it.  I think you're actually being unfair and a bit unreasonable to your husband.  He is eventually going to get upset about this and then you've caused an issue that you didn't have to.  Why are you intimidated by the relationship he has with his daughter?  Are you having marrital issues currently?

[aspengold]

I am not intiminated by his relationship with his daughter, it is not just a restaurant per se, what the relationship has become when they go out is identical to ours, not something special with his daughter, but right down to the entire evening, the walk to the place, where they sit, the type of sharing of the food, Exactly the same because he tells me and even this morning says, well yea it was just like what we do.  He took the one thing that we had that meant something and made it into something to share, with his daughter who is a mature woman, if I said he was doing this with a woman friend, would you view it differntly? and it is just not one time, it has become a weekly event and they both get drunk together, whiich I don't like.  Her boyfriend is refusing to go out with them because he is finidng it uncombortable.

[aspengold]

not the best answer, oops clicked the wrong button, actually no one understands, I don't care that he goes out with his daughter what I care about is that they do exactly the same thing we do together and that husband/wife father/daughter relationships should remain special with seperate events. He takes care of his daughter financially, emotionally and she is 29 years old, and by taking her to fancy reataurants consistently is not appropriate.  

[RockRose]

aspen,  I think maybe you haven't been clear here on the whole situation.  No one does see it your way here in this thread,  but I think maybe you haven't described what the problem actually is.

When you say he takes care of her financially,  do you mean money gifts here and there and maybe paying her transportation to family events,  or do you mean she doesn't support herself at 29 - he's the one still primarily supporting her?

I just don't think anyone can understand your possessiveness of a restaurant.  But if you're talking in general that he's inappropriately supporting her when she's approaching middle age,  that's a different thing.

[aspengold]

Ok, you are correct, I used the example of one restaurant, because it was so glaring, if my husband and I go out we share things,  and a glass or two of wine so then he will take his daughter to the restaurant (not always the same restaurant) we were  just at and do the SAME exact thing, sitting and sharing at the bar just like we do.   This was usually our time to go out and catch up and it always brought us closer as we discussed life stuff, now he does it almost weekly with his daughter, who is a grown woman.  Still takes care of all her financial stuff and when he gave her a very expensive piece of jewelry at Christmas, which her boyfriend could not afford,we were all uncomfortable.  Maybe he could go out with her and take her to a movie or for beer and pizza or whatever, I would not care, what is bothering me is that he will take her to the same place we were just at and order and do the same thing.