My dad is an alcoholic and my mum has now divorced him

Question

My dad is an alcoholic and has been ever since I can remember, Me being 19 now. It got serious two  years ago when he was admitted to hospital due to excessive drinking his eyes turned yellow and he had so much fluid in his stomach. He was told further drinking will cause him his life. My dad then had to go cold turkey with the alcohol which was a struggle as he was still off work recovering so sitting about the house all day was not easy. My mum and dads relationship really severed, though the constant years of her begging him to stop had just put a large strain on the relationship. Few weeks after that He tried to take  an over dose one night and an ambulance came and took him to the hospital, I was in bed sleeping listening to it all. He then checked himself into a a rehab centre where he did great he stopped drinking he took my mum out for meals he started going to the gym and eating better and he even went back to work but then the lying started he would go to the shop and buy drink and then put the cans in a neighbors bin, or hide them in wardrobes constantly lying to my mum. My mum was so stressed she started smoking and constantly sad looking every week she would give her same speech for the next two years that went in one ear and out another. She would always say it's us or the drink he always said il try il try but he never did the next day he would be right back drinking the cans. 
Following this was just a clycle of the events I have already mentioned he went back to the rehab centre  and was great again then tried another over dose and here we are now he's off work agin drinking most days, lying, and my mum has now called it quits after 20 years with him trying to help Sticking  by him but I some how feel this will set him completely off the rocks. I have tried to give him some words from me being his only child but again he choose the drink over me. I do wonder why would he need to drink when he had us all his life.
I do feel myself resenting him for everything he has put my mum though but I can't watch him deteriorate. I have never opened up about this to anyone and I'm just looking to see if anyone is in the some position and looking for a bit of guidence

pregnantchelsea · Answer

Shutters*
I just want to add that my dad chose alcohol over his family. He refuses help, always has, and isn't bothered by our deteriorated relationship. The only time he tries to reach out to me is to shove political disagreements in my face, as we sit on opposite sides of the table, so to speak, in that regard. He's addicted not only to alcohol but also to confrontation and arguing. It's not a healthy way to be or to be around. I love my dad for being my dad, who he has no choice in being, but I do not love who he chooses to be, an angry, disheveled, bitter, alcoholic recluse.

pregnantchelsea · Answer

I know this is an old post but it reminds me of my dad. I'm an only child too, and my dad and mom divorced when I was 4, and then my dad and my stepmom divorced when I was 10. He's been single ever since. He had a dog for a while, but the dog passed away last year, and he refuses to get another companion. He lives alone, just blocks away from me, but never comes to visit. Hardly ever calls. I would go to his house, but I'm getting ready to have my first child in less than a month, and his house has been neglected. On the outside, shudders are fallen, weeds overgrown, lawn neglected. Looks like a drug house in a good neighborhood, sticks out like a sore thumb, it's embarrassing. On the inside of his house, needless to say he doesn't clean, dried food on countertops, walls, unvacuumed carpets, torn wallpaper, on the steps to the basement there are drops of blood from when he has fallen :( the fridge has a leak and is molding, I don't know what to do either. I just know I'm starting my own family with a good man who works hard for me and his daughter-to-be and I can't let my dad bring me down. It hurts though, when my dad and I do talk at family gatherings or the rare phone call, I say I love you dad, and he just says "uh-huh." I think sometimes you just have to let these things go, you can't force someone to be happy and stop drinking, no matter how hard you try. Once when I was about 16 and stopped going for visitation to his house, my dad was drunk and he told me he's purposely drinking himself to death. As his only child, that hurt very very much. Anyway I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Be the best you can be.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

Sorry to hear of all the disappointment you've had in your short life.

You can have hope for your dad. It sounds like he may not have had any "aftercare" after his rehab. Aftercare is considered essential after treatment, but many people stop short of doing their "homework". 

In AA , an alcoholic is suggested to get a "sponsor" so they can call them, instead of going out for booze when they get a "craving". So that's probably the reason why your dad has failed. You might tell him so. It might also help you to tell him, to let him know that you know where he went wrong. Communicating the reality of a situation often helps an addict who is living in "denial". You can also tell him there are free copies of the Alcoholics Big Book, either audio or in written form. 

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous-audio-version

If you have time, you might even listen to it. and see the similarities, so that you can tell him that you've listened to it. and believe that if he were to trust the AA program and get involved with others suffering from the same problem and getting well, it would help him. 

You can't stay stuck to a drunk, but you can give them some answers while you back away and live your own life. You can tell them you belong to a Health Forum, that has Addictions sites, and there are many that have used Medhelp to get well, by reaching out and asking for support. 

Of course, he would have to be computer savvy, If your dad does not have a computer, you might just buy him the book book at an Open AA meeting and give it to him as a gift. 

Do you think you might do these things for your dad?

Nata1980 · Answer

Hi there! Your mum hit her bottom - she could no longer go on as before. The divorce very well may set him off the rocks completely, he may get worse, but he needs to hit his bottom in order to get better. Divorce is it for some people - not so much for the others. 

There is a lot of good information for children/spouses of alcohoilcs out there. There is alanon/alateen, it will help with understanding of what you are facing. It is not you, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it, no matter how much you love the person, no matter how much they love you - they have to want to stop the addiction. You cannot do anything about it except loving and helping yourself. 

Good luck:)

My dad is an alcoholic and my mum has now divorced him

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