My stepson cuts up my cloths!

[Janeefox]

My stepson has been cutting women’s clothing up.  We have found bags full of underpants dresses shirts bras ext..  now he is cutting up my clothes!  He lies and his father doesn’t do anything about it.  He is 14 and almost 6 foot tall and about 160lbs and I’m much smaller and lighter.  I’m worried and don’t want to be around him but he lives with us full time.  He is ADHD and they say he has a mild form of Autism although I don’t see it.  
My husband thinks I’m over reacting and boys so this stuff.  Well I e raised my son already and he sure didn’t do anything like this!!
Any helpful info would be nice, I love my husband but don’t want his son anywhere near me.  

[specialmom]

So sorry about your dad!  Please do come to the relationships forum here at medhelp.  If nothing else, we have kind people that like to chat.  :>)  We'll be here for you as you make a big life change.  hugs

[specialmom]

What a situation.  I really feel for you.  I think leaving for your protection (and sanity) is the right thing to do.  Child protective services will likely separate him from his dad because he is an alcoholic.  The kid seems to have no one which is sad.  I would have left because of your husband's drinking.  That's really hard to live with too.  I've loved an alcoholic.  Painful to say the least.  So, you get to start over.  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, the boy and his dad too.  Don't know what will happen to the boy if he will some day end up in jail.  Sounds like it especially since he is going to wind up in the foster system unless a family member steps forward.  But YOU will be safe and you need that.  So hard.  

We're here if you need us.  There are other forums too like Relationships that I'm on frequently if you wind up with other things you want to discuss like all the emotions you are probably having, starting over, etc.  https://www.medhelp.org/forums/Relationships/show/78 (my personal invite to all on this thread--  join us.  It's a medhelp forum here on the site).  

good luck to you

[Janeefox]

Thank you for your kind words.  It’s tough I just lost my father and then all this is hitting me all at once.  I do love my husband but he lives in his own world where he thinks he’s fine and his son is fine.  He has been in foster care and we got custody finally but I had no idea what this boy was all about.  His therapist wants him in a group home with boys like himself and I agree but that is where my husband has drawn the line.  
Thanks for the info on groups I do see a counselor on a regular basis but I might check the online groups out too.
Jane

[rosco888]

I applaud you for deciding to leave.  The challenges--especially without your husband's support--are more than any one person should have to deal with.

Best wishes to you.

[specialmom]

So, a couple of things here.  First, I have a 14 year old son not quite that tall but close.  Don't let the height fool you , they are still tottering back and forth between little kid and teenager.  They are not always super charming at this age.  Some days I do a lot of deep breathing.  It's challenging.  There are books written on the subject. I can attest that this age is not easy.  AND< we can be chugging along with our day with things going good and then BAM, mood switches.  Tone switches.  Attitude switches. And I'm like "who is this kid?"  It's normal.

And then when you add in that this boy has ADHD?  That means he has neurological challenges that he is also dealing with.  Social issues, learning issues, personal care issues, ability to relate to others are all more difficult for a child with adhd.  I'll give you the advise to please learn as much as possible about what it is like for him.  It should result in great empathy as the typical day of a boy with adhd is very hard. Understanding is the very best way to help him cope!  Autism is on a spectrum and can have many facets. I have a son with sensory integration disorder which is also neurological and many kids with autism have this as an overlapping issue.  It means his nervous system doesn't always send the right signals.  It's really hard on him.  Lots of things can be involved.  Why do you doubt a diagnosis?  Certainly his dad has a full idea of his issues I'd hope.  What kind of support for his issues does he receive?  Does he have an IEP or 504 plan at school?  Sometimes a parent has to advocate for that but it is very helpful. He may need extra support and intervention to work on the areas he is most challenged in.  AGain, understanding is the best thing for him from the people he lives with.

Discipline can be difficult with adhd kids.  But that doesn't mean it should happen.  That he is cutting up clothes is not indicative of bipolar per se but I'd want to know what is going on.  A psychologist/psychiatrist would be important.  Is this something your husband is willing to do for his son?  

Marrying a man with a child means you have to accept that their child's needs will come over and above yours.  If his son is in crisis and you can't deal with it, the right thing to do is to leave for a while and allow his dad to focus on his needs rather than feeling bad that you are upset.  

And I fully get it----  it is so hard to deal with these types of things and when it isn't a child you are emotionally bonded to, it can be too much.  But your husband should not have to choose between you and him.  And if he is IN that situation of having to choose, he needs to choose the child he is responsible for and throw himself into his care and overcoming these difficulties.  Hard pill to swallow and why relationships when there are kids from another relationship often do not work out.  

By the way, where is the boy's mom?  Is she in the picture?

[Janeefox]

Basically this boy is more fetal alcohol but my husband and his ex didn’t get him tested.  He has been under physiatrist care since the age of 3.  He has a deviant sexual disorder and has attempted to molest a 3 year old girl.  He is seeing a special sexual predator therapist and she has said I’m not safe in the home.  My husband does nothing to protect me and denies anything wrong with his son even though he was caught before he penetrated the child!  
I’m leaving I can’t deal with this anymore because now they are both bullying me and I lock myself in my room daily.
I’m ADHD myself and I have live my life on medication to help balance me out.  I understand it well... my own son was ADD and took medication too.  Now grown with a family of his own.  
Thank you for your feed back keep me in your thoughts and prayers if you pray.  I’m having a POD delivered Tuesday and my new apartment should be ready on the 14th.
Mom is a drug addicted whomlost custody’s due to being arrested for cooking meth in the home.  My husband was a recovering alcoholic but now is off the Eagan and drinking heavily again.  DCFS is involved and most likely will take him away from my husband due to him not protecting me and allowing his son to continue to torment me ☹️
Thank you again.

[artemesia2]

Uncertain what else to say except I wish you and your significant others well.    I don't blame you for leaving   Very wise move.      You are in my thoughts and prayers as is specialom. Hugs 2uboth