I am a guy around 20, and I have been suffered Homosexual OCD(hopefully) for 1.5 years. It was once getting better but recently it spiked.
When those gay thoughts came to me, I read some information and I found my condition fit HOCD symptoms. I was always checking myself. about my reaction about both sex. I was getting better for sometime. But recently it's getting worse.
One day I saw a picture of one ancient greek statue of a naked man. Then I remembered that when I was very young(about 8-9 yo) I was curious about those human bodies and immitated their actions. But during the whole puberty my sexual imagination is about girls and always felt disgusting about gay sex. Then I was confused. There are two voices in my brain: one said that's just children's curiosity about his own body, the other said that indicates I'm always bi. I am freaked out by such thought. I started to watch some gay naked pictures and tested my arousal. I didnt get erection but I felt a strange urge to masturbate with it.
What's worse, a few days later I watch a pornography of a transgirl(maybe). She(or he) looks pretty and has a pair of good-looking **** and feminine butt and legs... and then he took penis out and masturbated with moan of girl's voice. I felt I should do that with him and it feels like erection. I checked it and that didnt get hard or maybe a tiny bit. Then I thought I must get arousal to a penis and it means I'm gay. anxiety tortured me a few days that I could barely taste food and even retched and even thought of suicide. I want to know is that real arousal or is it normal for straight to enjoy futa porn?
So did HOCD cause fake arousal or something?I feel confused because sometimes I masturbate to comfort myself when I feel anxious or upset. So the anxiety caused me that I want to masturbate. I am confused that do I do it to relive or am I really horny about those homosexual things, though I watch straight/lesbian porn every time. Those anxiety makes me barely concentrate on anything.
Sorry for my ataxic writing, but at this point I remember something in my childhood. Back then I didnt the difference between boys' and girls' body and thought they only become different after growing-up. some time I worried I would grow breast and become a girl. But when I think of this now I think it will be great so I won't worry about s**t like do I like penises or do I like only mine.
Did HOCD twisted my memory?I think it even twisted my current feelings. I need help to explain all these s**t and I want to take back my old feelings.Helps will be greatly thanked.