Bipolar

[xkittenwhiskersx]

Hi my names ivy and i am 15 my mom struggles with bipolar disorder and is a narcissist and would get me to go to phyciatrist or therapists and claim its autism spectrum disorder when i explained how i felt and my family said it wasnt autism either and im worried i remember years ago i fell into this depressive state and emptiness it was terrible and a year ago i went to public school it was the worse i got something im pretty sure its called "a flight of ideas" i had this bestfriend and she would create drama i always loved drama and seemed to overanalyze everything and be in my daydreams i idolised her we talked all day and night oneday i was manic i believe gotten the idea to runaway and i took it too far and packed my bags and realized she didnt want to go i get real pushy and i make up scenarios in my head of realistic things and plan to go with them and get caught up in moments me and her ended up falling out because i would make friendships in school im known as a social butterfly i seem to believe everything i do is perfect although i am destructive things gotten really bad because i created drama and was in the spotlight and i stayed home and i was sleeping alot or too little i use to have really bad dreams when i was little woke up agitated the room was spinning i dont know what that was but now its all vivid i get very angry easily and during mania i just want to scream and shout because im happy or im angry or something i went through alot of trauma too and the thing is i believe its bipolar i get these alters its not osdd its more of feeling like a different version of me i noticed when im happy im real happy it can last for a week or a few days i cling onto people and i am this manic pixie dream girl i get voices or make voices in my head and would always have to daydream about something before i sleep i done alot and i hurt so many people through it all physically and mentally and i tend to feel bad because its the worse and i blackout it was flaring up for me this week i tend to consume sugar because my seritonin is low i started laughing and crying at the same time manically and it was the worse for me it was more of a dysphoric i always feel like im lying because of my parents i see hallucinations and isolate myself when im upset but also get chronic pains recently like aches and cant get up because of my depression people dont see that because they view me as this sunshine.. i had this moment i couldnt stop crying i usually suppress because of my toxic household i also get in these delusional states i notice when im in moments its either me sweating my thoughts are racing i also tend to stim because of the feeling and i had this feeling earlier of passing out i cant get any help because my moms not supportive of me having anything else but i do know i need help i did talk to a professional before and they said i did need mood stabilizers i started getting these energy levels that wakes me up in my sleep i just dont want to feel like im lying because everyone around me gaslights me i have moments i cant even tell reality or whats real anymore so if anyone knows please give me advice i will love to hear<3

[specialmom]

Hi Ivy.  You have a lot going on!  First, I'm sorry you don't have a supportive household right now (or previously). That's so hard. The teenage years are tough in general but without adequate support and then mental health issues on top of that and then potential neurodiversity?  A lot to deal with. I am not sure what your current diagnosis is. The 'official' diagnosis. Or what you yourself believe to be true. I'm sure like everyone, you just want to feel better and have a functional life.

Drama is something I learned to avoid a long time ago.  It just leads to intense emotions that I don't need when it's hard to manage emotions in general. I think somethings drama is created when it is hard to 'feel' otherwise which is common in mental health.  We can get a bit numb inside. But drama can really take up a lot of energy that can be better spent on more productive things.  

Like, what do you like to do as hobbies? What are your interests?

You mention medication. It can be really helpful. Takes some trial and error to determine what is best.  But looking for the even line of our mood is a good thing.  Anything that helps is a good thing if it's not illegal or unhealthy for us or dangerous. Medication is often that thing that can help us get to the point of working on things to really have the life we want. Psychotherapy or talk therapy along with self care are the key ingredients to living  with bipolar.  If your mom has you seeing a psychiatrist, I'm sure she would be able to understand the need for talk therapy.  Have you tried that?

[xkittenwhiskersx]

Mom had me on zoloft and that was really bad i talked to someone and they said that i cant have just a antidepressant because its bad for us.. i was researching my mom found out i guess and she didnt like that she said i needed to calm down and I cant just research things and go on with it.. but its starting to slowly get worse and i cant physically show it to anyone else because i dont want to scare anyone and my mom may scream at me.. she took me to a million autism appointments and said it was for my own good i told her no to the antidepressants she tried to put me on and she said how i didnt want any help because im not cooperating..  my moms a narcissist and a liar she told me its because i isolate myself but honestly im out of my room i still feel like this wherever i go and even my dads house.. mom taught me how to not speak out because my emotions are dangerous and bad and i feel stupid when i try and talk and like it doesnt matter.. she even said she cant have mental hospitals on my record and im not aloud to speak out.. its like im some emotionless puppet and she talks to doctors for me and convinces them because i see things its autism and they believe her because she researched and she does this to everyone else she has children with.. mom told me i cant have mood stabilizers or antiphycotics or any else my mom doesnt get her bipolar extremely like i do.. honestly i dont know about hobbies i did have a phyciatrist but she likes the ones who has her "ideas of life" or "her ideas" she isnt supportive of that stuff and self diagnosing.. but shes not diagnosed with ptsd but says she has it.. but she says she knows what shes doing i researched alot to see if im bipolar and i believe i am.. drama is something i have a interest for some reason i get so invested with it and other peoples emotions.. they believe its horomones but honestly its more intense than anyone else i seen and i seem to attract people with bipolar and other mental illnesses and seem to get along because i relate to them on a high level.. i believe my mom is trying to get a pay check out of me because her money is low atm shes trying to put me on guardianship to stay there forever and im not happy about it..i want to talk to my dad about this stuff but he also believes its autism because of my mom but i looked it up i dont see anything but stimming i do but that can potentially be adhd too.. i had to flush the meds i was on in the toilet my family said it didnt seem like myself once i was off i was manic and they say its me being myself..

[specialmom]

I don't know who you talked to that said being 'just on an ssri' is bad for us.  It's really not. But if you are diagnosed by a psychiatrist/psychologist as bipolar, that's a different treatment plan.  That really needs to happen if it hasn't before you or your mom start making med decisions and stuff. Sometimes we have to surrender to the experts.  With watchful eyes but know that they make the determination of what is best to try and not your mom.  She may be sick and have distorted thinking, right? So you need someone that isn't you or her helping you.

I'm a little confused about what you say the psychiatrist says.  I'd start fresh. See a new one that your insurance covers and give your history. And a psychologist for talk therapy to also give your full history and between those two, you will be able to determine what is actually going on.  Lot of muddied water here to figure it out.

Hormones can play a huge role in mental health especially for women. Your hormones are shifting as a young person making you more vulnerable. Many females do well on the pill to just calm that down. There's also a true disorder that any woman of any age can suffer called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder or PMDD.  https://www.webmd.com/women/pms/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder  You can copy and paste that link and see if any of it sounds like it matches.

Do you have a father that can fight guardianship?

I have a son that is neurodiverse.  Most can care for themselves and you sound articulate and capable.  A big factor is life skills. Do you have a plan for the future such as going to trade school, college, getting a job? How are you with your personal care? How is your responsibility level?  These are things to consider.  Being autistic is not a bad thing and you can believe it or not.  Yes, many do stim and stimming isn't bad.  It's a way that neurodiverse people relax their system. Physical activity also helps with that.  Remember, that there are people who can actually diagnose you and you yourself aren't one of them. It's hard to see ourselves accurately. You probably should have a full evaluation.  And yes, they will talk to your mom but they are paying attention to YOU. So, you rule the day.

Consider now the preparation for adult life. You can do and be whatever you want as an adult. But I agree that I'd not want the guardianship because at that point, turning 18 doesn't allow you to gain control over your life.