Confused about life

[sadmomma4]

I am not sure how to post this but I am curious about my life.

As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother.  I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive.  I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions.  I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate.  I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide.  I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times.  I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down.  I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods.  I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.

I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount).  I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again.  I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it.  I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up.  I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it.  I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that.  Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out.  I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't.  I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take.  I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it.  I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough.  I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????

I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness.  Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.

[margypops]

My first thought is that you ask for help, the seriousness of what you are doing to yourself and the children does require some expert advice ,any reliable family you can talk to ,maybe a word with the Doctor and tell him you want to speak to someone with expertise in this field .You say you want to stop , that is a first step, as you have realised that it is not good, you have come here to ask others, all positive actions, so go that one step further, think of the children and get help.Ther is also something called 'control' and whilst I appreiate the behavior you have described can be compulsive , when you feel that urge to hurt your self, STOP, distract your self go do something , switch off your mind from the path it was going along.I know its not easy and my words here are platitudes ,I do believe in the human spirit to overcome all odds .Good Luck this is the begining for you take it to the next level .....

[specialmom]

Hello.  I'm going to say this and it will sound blunt.  The least of your concerns is whether your family is going to find out or not.  Part of addiction is hiding it and you are still very wrapped up in that.  I urge you-----------  beg you, in fact, to seek medical attention.  Sometimes we can NOT handle things ourselves and I think it is time that you admit this.  Otherwise, you could have devestating consequences.  Not just for you, but for those that love you.  Your children and loved ones will support you as you try to recover from your addiction, depression, and desire to cut or harm yourself.  Speak with your significan other and possibly a trusted parent.  You have no other choice.  The cycle of trying to hide this problem means you are deep within the disease you are.  This is not to make you feel bad----------  I see you feel terrible as it is.  This is to urge you to seek help immediately.  Call your insurance and see a psychiatrist.  If you must enter a treatment program, so be it.  You have to do this to save yourself.  I wish you the best of luck and ONLY have your best intentions at heart.  Peace and comfort to you.  

[sadmomma4]

I get that this is a lot for one person to handle, and I am so far not doing so good at it.  But I kept this dormant for nearly 20 years.  I know I can make this stop, I am just struggling with how.  I am not going to tell my parents or children or anybody.  I came on here because nobody knows who I am.  I really want to stop, and honestly there are plenty of times when I do control it and don't cut myself, but there are certain stressors that set it off, and I can't control it, I know I can't because I am crying when I do it and I try to stop myself even as I am cutting.  This all sounds crazy I know because I am a fairly successful adult, I have a great job (which I would surely lose if it came out), and have wonderful kids who respect me right now, I would definitely lose that respect, and possibly custody (which was the main stressor, I have an ex who is trying to get custody for no reason except he doesn't want to pay child support any longer and he got a lawyer to help him and is already lying about everything), I can't allow this to get out, because everyone expected me to mess up again, and I didn't for a long time.  I know I would for sure stop when the court thing is over, and life settles back down.  I want to stop it BEFORE it gets worse.  I know that right now the cutting is minor (very very minor as I try to stop myself) I am hoping that the pattern from before doesn't come back, because the cutting will get worse if history repeats itself, it will get deeper, the pills will get more and more often.  There has to be another way, a more private way.  I could perhaps see a counselor or someone with whom cannot tell (except for that loop hole aboout self harm - they could tell someone which is exactly what keeps me from going to get that kind of help for this).  

I will keep trying to stop this on my own.  Thanks for trying to give me some ideas.

[specialmom]

If your only option is to see a theapist---------  I'd consider going to one within a psychiatric practice.  If you are suicidal, then a professional would act.  No one (including you, I don't think) wants you to die.  Cutting/ self harm is a little different.  A professional can help you work through this.  Maybe not.  Maybe the problem is bigger than  you see it---------  that is the trick of addiction.  But it is worth a try.  Your family would not be involved, obviously.  But remember AA---------  one of the first things you do is stand before the group and admit you have a problem.  Secrecy is part of addiction.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.  You need help, you  have a chemical inbalance that you need help with.  But if you aren't ready for others to know, then start with the psychotherapist, psychiatrist.  It would be a good start.  It is important for everyone you do this.  Honestly, I don't want you to lose your children------  but if you are using narcotics and in a state of self harm-----------  you have to address it.  They WILL notice eventually.  good luck---------  I can't tell you how much I mean that.  

[sadmomma4]

I know I cannot hide this forever, which is why I am trying to stop.  But for me, going public is not an option.  I will stop this somehow, hopefully sooner then later.  I would never hurt my children, and if I thought I was a risk to them I would not allow myself to be around them.  I will look into some sort of therapy and hopefully I feel secure in it will keeping it quiet.  I do not have a chemical inbalance, if I did it would be easily medicated and I would be fine.  I would prefer that.  I realize that if this keeps up that everyone will know, and I would die if that happened.  I do not think that I am suicidal really, but I do sometimes think about it.  I always have.  I haven't actually tried really since I was 15.  I came on here because I do want help and I want to get better, and be better, and I hate feeling so helpless, and hopeless, I just hoped there was some sort of anonymous help I could get.  Or something I guess some sort of a miracle cure for this.
The last thing I want is to lose my children, and have everyone know that I have lost my adult self control and gone back to my teenage way of whatever it is.

Thanks, for trying to help me.  But I can only go somewhere if I know that nobody would let it get out, I would rather die then have it all out in the open.

[specialmom]

On the upbeat side of your posts, you do seem to want to get better.  I am assuming from the drugs and the cutting both, right?  That makes a big difference in recovery.  I'm not going to list the pros of things that are time tested in the area of recovery that you state you absolutely won't do.  So, just doing something is a step in the right direction.  Taking action of some kind is posative.  Call for a psychiatrist in your area or a psychotherapist within a psychiatric practice to set up an appointment.  The reason why I refered to some of what is going on as a chemical imbalance is because depression is essentially that as is anxiety.  They are described medically as a brain chemistry problem.  It is never as easy as just prescribing a med to make it better-------  and your situation is complicated by a number of things going on.  So, I don't suggest that it is a simple fix.  I don't know too much about your drug usage.  Go to the substance abuse forums and start asking questions about people that have stopped on their own without a treatment center.  See if you get any ideas.  That is compounding all problems that are going on emotionally.  You have to come clean to someone that can help you.  Physicians are bound by privacy laws.   Please make that appointment as soon as possible.  There is no miracle cure.  It is going to take work on your part.  But you can do it.  I hear in the way you write that you want to.  Make that appointment.  good luck

[margypops]

Specialmom speaks it as it is you can recover ,you do need help to do it, it also is not just about you and your life, this  affects your children, I think you realise that so just do it, stop thinking and make that appointment you will be forever glad you did.Good Luck

[Niknak1974]

Perhaps you can try a call in type counseling.  I am not sure if they have them, I know that they have like suicide prevention call in type thing.  But perhaps it would make you more comfortable to call someone and talk to them on the phone.  I am not sure that anyone one here can counsel you via messaging, you will have to at least call someone.  And are you sure you are not suicidal, from the sounds of some of your comments it seems like you could be more suicidal then even you may think.  I would say you should get some help, but if you are so against going into some sort of therapy, maybe look into a call in type.  Also, I am pretty sure that if it is minor and not suicidal they have to respect privilege and can't act on it. But it may depend on where you are from.  I am pretty sure in Canada there has to be a risk of serious harm, injury or death to yourself or someone else.  I do not think they can just commit you or anything.

Good luck, it sounds like you really want help, and just don't know how to go about getting the kind of help you need.  I also don't actually think that this is just for teenagers, if you look more into it you may find that more adults do it then you think.  And you won't be alone.

[sadmomma4]

I do want to get better but I cannot go somewhere.  I like the idea of a call in kind of thing.  That sounds better.  I could find somewhere to call from where it there was no call display or something.   I will look into a call in counselling thing.

Thanks,

[Tab57]

If you are looking for help a good source would be Narcotics Annonomous (N/A). You can look on the internet to locate the closest chapter near you. A phone number will be provided. I would strongly encourage you to call the location losest to you.

I am in the process of helping a close friend of mine get professional help in his battle against addiciton to pills. I have done some of thsi leg work for hom at his request.

I will eb glad to provide you whatever help that I can. Just let me know how I can be of help to you.

Best of luck with your recovery efforts.

[sadmomma4]

Thank you for the suggestion.  I am sure it would be good but I couldn't actually go into somewhere like that and talk about things, and with the type of work I do I am quite sure I would run into people that would recognise me at work and that would not go over very well in my position at work.  
If there was an on-line or phone line type of counseling it may work better.  Maybe just typing this on-line is helping a bit too.  I know that it keeps me busy and even though I have thought about it I haven't done anything tonight since I have been on-line.  I did however get an email that made me concerned about how anonymous this is.  I must say that it worried me, and I am hoping that this is totally anonymous!  Thank you for your words and kindness.

[specialmom]

I am sure there are crisis lines.  However, I still think your best chance of recovery is a physician.  They are bound by law in the US to keep everything confidential.  Itis the HIPPA agreement that you must sign to see them.  This law went into affect about 7 or so years ago.  Based on this law---------  they can not release your private information.  Please go to a physician.  It is your best hope for true help and privacy.  good luck

[Niknak1974]

there is a web site http://www.selfinjury.com/ that may be able to help you with this.

good luck

[heyjude1]

It's clear you are under alot of stress, frustation and pain now. I don't know but I believe cutting is a way to release some of this pain.  I have done self mutaltion, not cutting, but a different type of mutalation as an adult and it was only because I felt that I could not take it anymore without a release...like a steam valve to let off some of the steam.  

I personally don't think you have to tell your family what is going on but I definitely believe you need to get to a p-doc to discuss how he can help you.  With all the Hippa laws, I don't think you would need to worry that someone find out.  If you need to go to the hospital, perhaps you can make up an exuse for your absence; taking a vacation to get away from all the stress, a trip you have planned for a long time, a business trip out of state to do work for a special  project; etc. or whatever you need to tell your family.

You need to get help to cope through these hard times you are going thru.  Stress can and does get your whole body out of balance including your brain chemicals.  I also urge you to get help before things get worse.  God bless you, Jude.

[sadmomma4]

I do think it feels better at first but then it's worse!  I can logic it that it doesn't make sense to do it bit I just can't seem to stop myself!  Today for instance I have thought about it all day and tried not to all day!!! And just finally lost the battle and couldn't stop myself and I felt better for a few minutes and now guilt!  I am frustrated with why I do it!  I looked up the website and was going to call but couldn't.  I know jow it sounds to myself let alone someone else.  I hope one day I can drag up the courage to call someone or even tell a doctor or someone for real... I am afraid of it getting out of control!  I read some stuff on line about people who self harm and I fall under most of the precursers.  Hopefully I can get out of it before it's too late.  Thank you all for your helpful words.

[sadmomma4]

Okay so I told a friend, and he was mad at first and now he keeps telling me we will figure it out.  I made him promise not to tell anyone and so far I am hoping he is keeping his word.  I couldn't take it any longer and I told him last night.  I felt a little relieved and then horrified that someone who can look at me and knows me and everything knows.  I couldn't sleep all night thinking right now he has all the power to totally tear my world apart.  I hope he is trustworthy.  Thankfully he didn't ask to see them.  What he doesn't know and I am afraid he will find out that I did it again today, well of course I have been doing it pretty much everyday for nearly a month.  Anyhow, he is going to help me try to fix it and keep it a secret.  He said he will come to counselling with me if I choose to go, and he is there for me to talk to if I just need that.  I hope he keeps it to himself, I really don't want it to get out.  Here is hoping I can over this part of my life.   Thank you all for your suggestions, and as much as I am sure this would work better if I saw a professional, I am not at that state of my life right now.  Perhaps I can see a professional about stress in my life without telling them what I do about it, and just getting help with the stress may make me stop cutting.  Who knows...

[heyjude1]

I am so glad you have a support system in place; I sure it has been hard facing everything by yourself,  I hope you choose to go to a counselor, I really think that will help you alot.  Counselors and p-docs are very familiar with people cutting and will not judge you , they will want to support and help you.  I think as much support that is possible right now would help alot.  Hang in there and I'm glad you made the first step to helping yourself...all of this ca-ca you are going thru will end.  Please take care of yourself as much as possible for yourself and your children and please never hesitate to post if you need help or just to talk.  There are people here that want to help and care. God Bless, Jude.  

[iam1butterfly]

You really need some kind of counseling or therapy sessions because self-mutilation... such as cutting, is a manifestation of a deeply rooted inner struggle.

I dated a man who self-mutilated. He came from a dysfunctional upbringing where neglect and abuse (physical, mental and sexual) was a frequent occurrence. He explained to me that he suppressed the abuse as a means of coping. And, he learned that by submerging his feelings, he wouldn't feel life's pain. But, by doing that, he developed a profound sense of numbness and emptiness. And, out of that came the "cutting."

He added, that in order to mitigate this constant numb and empty feeling, he'd cut. "Cutting" he'd say, "makes me feel alive!"
It was only when he was clinically diagnosed... it was determined that he suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder..., medically treated and underwent intensive counseling that was he was able to address the abusive childhood trauma that paved the path of self-harming.  
So, it's imperative that you seek some form of treatment or support therapy in order to gain a sense of order in your life.

[sadmomma4]

I am going to try seeing a counselor about this.  It keeps getting out of hand.  I am starting to do deeper cuts, and multiple time a day and my friend is pretty freaked out, and it makes him frustrated and mad.  He has currently taken away all the "stuff" I use to do it, and when he took the one pair of scissor's that I used the most, I felt like I was having a heart attack, and had a hard time breathing.  It was  a horrible feeling, and I had to lay down because I felt like I was going to faint.  So that being the case, I realize that we (him and I) cannot do it alone.  Today is the first day I haven't cut myself in a while, but I have thought about it all day - and would of if I had something to do it with.  I am hoping I can get past this, but all day I have felt like anxious because I have nothing to cut myself with, so it is a hard day.
I appreciate everyones suggestions about seeking help.  I do not know that I will talk to the counselor about the actual cutting, but more the underlying issues.  

[heyjude1]

sadmomma4, I'm glad you are reaching out for help.  Please let us know how the meeting with the counselor goes...it is okay to not go into detail about the cutting, but you need to make them aware that you do cut.  Just tell them you do not want to discuss the cutting yet but perhaps in the future.  It takes time to trust someone but in time hopefully you will.  I am afraid if you do not tell them that you do/have cut they will not help you properly.  You don't want to go thru counseling and not reap the benefit of learning how to stop the cutting.  Take care Sweetie.
P.S. go outside and beat the hell out of a tree with something today; try different methods instead of cutting yourself...scream to the top of your lungs, just do something else.    

[sadmomma4]

Ok so I have not seen anyone yet but I have not cut for 2 full days since I started cutting I have cut everyday.  I have been using some advice I got on this site and have been redirecting my attention.  So thanks to everyone who gave me advice and kind words.  I think I can do this without seeing therapist.

[sadmomma4]

So I am working on day 4 without cutting, I am doing this totally on my own now.  So far so good.  Now that I have come this far I am not going to seek therapy because I don't really see the point if I am already doing fine without it.  I have looked up a lot of stuff on line about cutting and why I would do it in the first place, and realized that it is most likely caused by sexual abuse as a child, so I know that that has come up in the last little while because of a certain person that did it, passed away and his name because commonplace around our family.  I didn't go to the funeral made up a lame excuse about work and got out of it, but the stress of it and my one child being the age I was when it started and another one of my children being the age I was when it started, really brought it back to the surface.  I have not talked about it with anyone but realized that I do not want that controlling me now.  I think I will be fine.  I am also working on stopping with all the pills... and by next week I hope to be pill free for at least 24 hours and go from there.

Hopefully anything else I write on here is good news.

[iam1butterfly]

do keep us posted... and, please feel free to PM me anytime.

Take care, iam1butterfly

[sadmomma4]

Well I made it 6 days without cutting but today I couldn't make day 7!  Tomorrow will start day 1 again!