Confused about life

[sadmomma4]

I am not sure how to post this but I am curious about my life.

As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother.  I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive.  I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions.  I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate.  I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide.  I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times.  I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down.  I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods.  I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.

I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount).  I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again.  I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it.  I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up.  I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it.  I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that.  Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out.  I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't.  I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take.  I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it.  I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough.  I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????

I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness.  Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.

[sadmomma4]

Okay so I couldn't do it but I only took a couple of pills to take the edge off!  I couldn't work how I was feeling!  So clearly I am an addict if I was feeling like that!  I will try again tomorrow!  I made it 19 hours without!
I really don't know how people do it!  It is hard to stop taking something like that all of a sudden!

[sadmomma4]

Last night was really bad and I cut more then I have up until now, I couldn't seem to stop myself.  I think I must have added 20-30 new cuts.  I did this after I called the counselor hot line to get help.  I am hoping it was a one time thing, and now knowing that I am getting help will make me not do it again.

I do not understand why I did it, and if anyone has any incite please let me know.  I need to know.

thanks,

[sadmomma4]

Yes I didn't think you meant I should ask my family for help.  I did call a counsellor tonight it is a hotline that sets you up with a counselling service.  It's a place to start.  I will be meeting with a counsellor in about a week!
I do not know about seeing a psychiatrist I am not even sure there are any around here, but there are counsellors so I  starting there!
I know now I can't do this without help!  Professional help, I hope I can do it with that!
Thanks everyone!  

[specialmom]

Asking help from family members is not what I am suggesting.  You need to see a professional.  You can call a psychiatrist and be assured of your privacy and seek treatment.  It is all a viscious cycle that goes round and round and unless you break it ----  you will continue to live this way.  And this is NO way to live.  I believe from all these posts that you have a chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed.  That is why you are self medicating and that leads to cutting and that leads to more pills, etc. etc. etc.  Start with that chemical imbalance.  You will sign a letter of confidentiality that allows you to speak freely to the physician.  And since you want to do this on your own---------  this is kind of on your own as you would be helping yourself and wouldn't have to involve your parents or whomever.  But if you keep going as you are----------  your family will notice or you will do something that requires them to get involved.  Call a psychiatrist today.  

[Jitterbugg]

ok sweety cutting is as much as a habit as the pills you are taking and as mentioned by someone else up there its a release vaulve and also a brain stopper for the moment. But, unless u learn to deal with what happened as a child you will never truely be cured. When you feel like cutting take a walk with your kids. Removing yourself from the situation you remove alot of the stress you will still think about the issues but when ur not in the security of your home YOU take away that option.I wore a rubber band around my wrist as silly as it seems. You feel like things are getting outta control pull it back and snap the **** outa it. You can do this you just have to have the want to. The pills will NEVER allow you to do it as long as your on them. There are many of us out here just like you. You are not to blame. Life is evil to some of us. You have all the control in your grasp. It is your life. You hold all the beauty in it. You are not liveing right now. Yes you breath your heart beats but, everyday you lose a lil more of yourself. Your worth more than all this. please dont bind yourself to this needless addiction.  

[sadmomma4]

Those are very interesting idea's.  I relapsed yesterday and today.  Yesterday I cut and today I took a lot of pills.  Now I am all foggy.  I will survive it and try again to stop.  I do want to see someone but here is the thing as much as I want to get help, I have this whole thing about not being able to ask.  I figured out why today (after the relapse).  Whenever I have asked for any kind of help (well to be honest I have never asked - I have accepted against my own better judgement) from my parents, I am sent on a guilt trip about how much them helping me has put them out and how they never asked for help from their families etc.  I am scared to death about asking for help, afraid of how I will be judged for needing it.
Today I wanted to end it all, and probably came close to doing just that, because I feel unworthy of help and unworthy of happiness, not because I was bad, but because I was trained to feel that way by my parents.  If I ever asked "what about me?" I was considered as being selffish, even my soon to be ex made sure I felt like that.
So here I will be trying to help myself, because I was always taught that 1 you should always wait to be offered, but 2 when I accepted I was unworthy, therefore it has become quite obvious to me that I will never actually go to counseling, for this, and I sure as heck cannot seem to stop it on my own.  and Yes I am very aware of the fact that I make a decision to cut and a decision to take pills.  So it is all my own fault anyhow!