Confused about life

[sadmomma4]

I am not sure how to post this but I am curious about my life.

As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother.  I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive.  I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions.  I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate.  I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide.  I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times.  I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down.  I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods.  I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.

I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount).  I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again.  I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it.  I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up.  I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it.  I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that.  Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out.  I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't.  I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take.  I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it.  I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough.  I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????

I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness.  Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.

[southernclassic8]

i was raise in a physically,emotionally abusive home as well i was also sexually abused. i dont really understand cuttin but when i would get depressed or yelled at i would lock myself in my room and beat myself and pull out my hair,like until i would have blk bruises on my legs and arms,and sometimes even bald spots, i guess that could be another form of self mutalation.
My thing was i dont like scars. my way of dealing with my anger for what other did to me was a punching bag or my bed mattress. i would beat the hell outta them both.
Maybe you could try to channel you anger and depression into some other form of relief
Like cutting a doll or a chicken from the super market? something were you can also watch and maybe seeing that could ease the urge?
idk i hope my story an advice can help in some way

Good Luck
Nicky

[transformer402]

    What I am stating is the exact opposite of the support group mentality which will let you relapse and support your apparent jack *** behavior. What happened to you as a child is terrible but is not who you are.  Stop using that as an excuse to abuse drugs.  You said you are not pyschotic or have severe imbalances.  So obviously you know right from wrong.  When I was addicted to pills for depression and anxiety I had ever excuse and medical condition possible not to mention excuses for my behavior and what happened to me as a child.  permant abstinence from all drugs will give you the healthy brain needed to stop your behavior.  Your animal brain seeks pleasure from depression ect.  You will have severe anxiety and depression when you withdrawal for a week tops.  And experience negative emotions.  Once you are clean for about 6 months you will be a whole new person.  If you truely want help help yourself do it for your children.  Support groups will enable your behavior tell you its okay that you need a higher power.  Thats ******** support groups help some people a very low percentage and they relapse and its okay and you just need more spirtual growth.  Take it one day at a time they will say.  Who wants to take it one day at a time.  Never take a drink or use a drug again in three months you will be fine!!!!  Start loving your life find your heart start exercising, yoga ect.  People will love you who cares if you cut yourself and have scars do you think people really care about your past.  They dont.  its all internal and mental the brain chemicals will come back im living proof.  You can be happy and live an awesome life without regret or worrie trust me it only gets better but the first 6 months are rough.  I suffered for 20 years and im a completely transformed person.  CAUTION  do not hang around people who are infected with drug use and negative thinking.  It is contagious thats why aa never worked for me.  My friends that I would drink and drug with were good people but they were morally wrong.  You being a mother it is wrong to use drugs so stop it and i GUARENTEE you will thank me.  When those cravings come up and you feel depressed remember that is not you thats your animal brain it wants to cut and take pills.  The animal part of our brains seek pleasure with no consequences.  Thats our survival mechanism.  But remember you control it.  Its your  hands that put the pills in your mouth.  You are not a victim of your past.  The feelings readers and people from support groups get when they read my post and disagree with it is the animal brain.  They want support.  Complete abstinence is key.  Stay away from the weak!  its your life take it back and i will support you but do it on your own for your family for yourself.  but know one should allow you to do drugs this is a zero tolerance policy.  Stop it!!  Do you really think doctors are there to help very few are that way.  Most are arrogant want there cash so they will nod there head when you tell them your problems write you a scribt and collect your money.  YOU can do iT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sadmomma4]

thank you all, it is nice to know that people care becasue some times I really feel like nobody does.

I have not cut again since that time I slipped, but right now I am super stressed and am having the hardest time ever not cutting.  I wonder sometimes with my stressful life how I can go on, if I can.  I keep trying to bring myself up, and I just feel like someone keeps stepping on my head, and pushing me back down.  I am really struggling this week with the cutting and stuff, and I have yet to go see a counselor or someone, I know that there are some things are in my head probably but really if you stepped into my life, you may see that I just have crappy luck or whatever.  I have friends that tell me I am so strong (obviously they do not know what is really going on inside me), and they couldn't go through all that I have and continue on, and they couldn't put on a smile and just keep trying.  so I wonder is all this futile.  I do have all kinds of thoughts, about an easier way for me to deal with all this.  It is not something that I haven't tried or thought about before, I am just trying not to do that now.  I just can't seem to bring myself to ask for help (in person), I tried a lot of times and just can't do it.  I truly am coming apart on the inside, and do not know how long I can hang on.

Thank you all for your kind words and caring responses, it means a lot.

[Marylou_II]

Hello my dear:

I am so glad you are an intelligent person who can come to terms with what happened in the past because it was not your fault. Remember you can not punish the victim and you are the victim. There is no need to tell your children anything about what happened to you, that belongs to the past and it should be left there to die away and think it is gone and done with.

It is good to hear you are not hurting yourself now, you deserve a good and happy life leaving bygones to be just that. Each time those thoughts come back and remember what happened, don't let it advance in your brain rub those thoughts away and think "I am a good person and I will have a happy life because of myself and my kids". Good you have decided to check the web site and believe you may have biological unhappiness, that doctor is a genius and you can email him and he will help you.

Take care of yourself and love yourself, remember you have a huge  baggage you have carried for a long time but don't allow those memories to come back simply rub them away for your sake and that of your kids.

I hope you will keep posting if you need any help we are all here for you or to let us know how well you are doing you will make us very happy with your progress.    

God bless you and help you.

[KarenDiane]

I'm new to this board but I just read through this post. Congratulations on not cutting and on weaning yourself off of the pills. My childhood was similar to yours. I was physically, verbally and sexually abused by family members and I was a heavy drinker, suicidal and a cutter during my teenage years. I got away from my family as soon as I could and have very minimal contact with them now.

When I started having children, everything I had tried to supress came back at me. I eventually sought counseling at a sexual assault center. I was in a support group there for about 5 years and it helped tremendously. I urge you to find some sort of counseling or support group for yourself. It can really make a difference in your mental well-being. I still suffer from mood swings, anxiety and depression, but I've stopped self-medicating and take prescription anti-depressants, which might also help you.

Good Luck.

[iam1butterfly]

... I admire your determination.    take care, iam1butterfly