Confused about life

[sadmomma4]

I am not sure how to post this but I am curious about my life.

As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother.  I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive.  I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions.  I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate.  I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide.  I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times.  I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down.  I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods.  I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.

I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount).  I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again.  I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it.  I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up.  I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it.  I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that.  Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out.  I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't.  I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take.  I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it.  I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough.  I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????

I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness.  Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.

[sadmomma4]

Ok so I have not seen anyone yet but I have not cut for 2 full days since I started cutting I have cut everyday.  I have been using some advice I got on this site and have been redirecting my attention.  So thanks to everyone who gave me advice and kind words.  I think I can do this without seeing therapist.

[heyjude1]

sadmomma4, I'm glad you are reaching out for help.  Please let us know how the meeting with the counselor goes...it is okay to not go into detail about the cutting, but you need to make them aware that you do cut.  Just tell them you do not want to discuss the cutting yet but perhaps in the future.  It takes time to trust someone but in time hopefully you will.  I am afraid if you do not tell them that you do/have cut they will not help you properly.  You don't want to go thru counseling and not reap the benefit of learning how to stop the cutting.  Take care Sweetie.
P.S. go outside and beat the hell out of a tree with something today; try different methods instead of cutting yourself...scream to the top of your lungs, just do something else.    

[sadmomma4]

I am going to try seeing a counselor about this.  It keeps getting out of hand.  I am starting to do deeper cuts, and multiple time a day and my friend is pretty freaked out, and it makes him frustrated and mad.  He has currently taken away all the "stuff" I use to do it, and when he took the one pair of scissor's that I used the most, I felt like I was having a heart attack, and had a hard time breathing.  It was  a horrible feeling, and I had to lay down because I felt like I was going to faint.  So that being the case, I realize that we (him and I) cannot do it alone.  Today is the first day I haven't cut myself in a while, but I have thought about it all day - and would of if I had something to do it with.  I am hoping I can get past this, but all day I have felt like anxious because I have nothing to cut myself with, so it is a hard day.
I appreciate everyones suggestions about seeking help.  I do not know that I will talk to the counselor about the actual cutting, but more the underlying issues.  

[iam1butterfly]

You really need some kind of counseling or therapy sessions because self-mutilation... such as cutting, is a manifestation of a deeply rooted inner struggle.

I dated a man who self-mutilated. He came from a dysfunctional upbringing where neglect and abuse (physical, mental and sexual) was a frequent occurrence. He explained to me that he suppressed the abuse as a means of coping. And, he learned that by submerging his feelings, he wouldn't feel life's pain. But, by doing that, he developed a profound sense of numbness and emptiness. And, out of that came the "cutting."

He added, that in order to mitigate this constant numb and empty feeling, he'd cut. "Cutting" he'd say, "makes me feel alive!"
It was only when he was clinically diagnosed... it was determined that he suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder..., medically treated and underwent intensive counseling that was he was able to address the abusive childhood trauma that paved the path of self-harming.  
So, it's imperative that you seek some form of treatment or support therapy in order to gain a sense of order in your life.

[heyjude1]

I am so glad you have a support system in place; I sure it has been hard facing everything by yourself,  I hope you choose to go to a counselor, I really think that will help you alot.  Counselors and p-docs are very familiar with people cutting and will not judge you , they will want to support and help you.  I think as much support that is possible right now would help alot.  Hang in there and I'm glad you made the first step to helping yourself...all of this ca-ca you are going thru will end.  Please take care of yourself as much as possible for yourself and your children and please never hesitate to post if you need help or just to talk.  There are people here that want to help and care. God Bless, Jude.  

[sadmomma4]

Okay so I told a friend, and he was mad at first and now he keeps telling me we will figure it out.  I made him promise not to tell anyone and so far I am hoping he is keeping his word.  I couldn't take it any longer and I told him last night.  I felt a little relieved and then horrified that someone who can look at me and knows me and everything knows.  I couldn't sleep all night thinking right now he has all the power to totally tear my world apart.  I hope he is trustworthy.  Thankfully he didn't ask to see them.  What he doesn't know and I am afraid he will find out that I did it again today, well of course I have been doing it pretty much everyday for nearly a month.  Anyhow, he is going to help me try to fix it and keep it a secret.  He said he will come to counselling with me if I choose to go, and he is there for me to talk to if I just need that.  I hope he keeps it to himself, I really don't want it to get out.  Here is hoping I can over this part of my life.   Thank you all for your suggestions, and as much as I am sure this would work better if I saw a professional, I am not at that state of my life right now.  Perhaps I can see a professional about stress in my life without telling them what I do about it, and just getting help with the stress may make me stop cutting.  Who knows...