Aa
Confused about life
I am not sure how to post this but I am curious about my life.
As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother. I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive. I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions. I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate. I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide. I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times. I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down. I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods. I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.
I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount). I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again. I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it. I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up. I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it. I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that. Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out. I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't. I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take. I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it. I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough. I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????
I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness. Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.
As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother. I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive. I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions. I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate. I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide. I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times. I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down. I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods. I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.
I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount). I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again. I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it. I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up. I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it. I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that. Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out. I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't. I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take. I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it. I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough. I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????
I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness. Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.
I just thought I would put it out there that I am back on track I have not cut again since the last slip up... I am working in getting some counseling and hopefully working on my custody case and getting on track. No more cutting and going to slow down on the pills a lot!!! I have gotten a lot of advice on here everyone has been incredibly helpful. So thank you...
Wow you actually hit that one on the head. I do feel guilty, so guilty for my childhood. I feel guilty for getting pregnant at 16, and for putting myself in situations where crap happened to me. I know I was not at fault for what happened when I was little, I know that as much as my father told me it was my bad behaivour that made him drink so much, and no matter how many times I have heard how much I ruined my mothers life, and what an ungrateful b I am and always was. Not that I ever thought that was all my fault, I feel guilty about hating those people for my childhood, and yet still having them in my life now. I am the only one that still speaks to my father, because, when I was a 13 I tried to kill myself and he had to be the one to find me and take me to the hospital, I was almost dead, and I told him I hated him for finding me, I hated him for making sure I woke up. Because at 13 I hated myself more then ever and truly wanted to die, apparently I got scared (I do not remember) and called a helpline for kids and they called back and spoke to my father who found me almost dead on my bedroom floor. He told me if he was ever going to quit drinking, if there ever was any hope of that, it was gone now. So therefore I seeled his fate in my actions. (I am by the way not suicidal now at all) I know there are things that I am guilty for in my past and my present, however I am well aware that I am not to blame for being sexually abuses. I appreciate your feedback and your advice. I have reallized that I cannot do this on my own, and I am going to speak to a doctor next week about it, and what I need to do, privately to get better. So far, my children have no idea, as far as they are concerned I am always happy, and nothing is wrong. I am bending over backwards to make sure they are happy children and can look back on their childhoods with happiness and fond memories of me and their life with me. They already have enough crap to deal with, with their father, they do not need to know any of my issues. They have good relationships with my mother and my stepfather and father, so they do not need to know too much about the past.
I do have a lot more then a lot of women I know even, but I strive for more. I have always just wanted to be happy, and content with a nice normal life.
I am going to look into that website you talk about because I believe that I perhaps can suffer from "biological unhappiness" as well. I realize that I am a mess, I try for a while and then I kind of give up for a while, it is a lot to deal with. I do thank you for what you wrote and I am taking a lot of the advice I have got on here.
Thank you,
I do have a lot more then a lot of women I know even, but I strive for more. I have always just wanted to be happy, and content with a nice normal life.
I am going to look into that website you talk about because I believe that I perhaps can suffer from "biological unhappiness" as well. I realize that I am a mess, I try for a while and then I kind of give up for a while, it is a lot to deal with. I do thank you for what you wrote and I am taking a lot of the advice I have got on here.
Thank you,
You have been given just about every kind of advice anyone could ever think about, but this secrecy you keep is not only because of your work and your kids. Please try to understand what I will say, it is not my intention to hurt you or make you feel bad. You had a pretty sour childhood you say "As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother. I was sexually abused more than once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive". Now, do you for an instance believe that any child could live a normal life with such a childhood baggage? Of course not. Do you know why you are hurting yourself? Allow me please, when children have such difficult lives they feel guilty for what has happened to them and their families, for some reason they believe they are the ones who caused all the trouble and pain in the dysfunctional family. Then they punish themselves for what they believe was their fault and never was, you are the victim not the aggressor.
Your past sorrows are so deeply installed in your mind that you can't consciously tell the difference between what if anything could have been your fault and what was not your fault. You hurt and keep hurting yourself as a way to punish yourself and I dare ask, what are you pushing yourself for? Is it because you had a dysfunctional family? Was it your fault at all? Was there anything you could have done to avoid the abuse in your childhood? You were just a kid and most certainly must have been scared to death so how on earth could you have helped out? You need to urgently rebuild your self esteem.
You have much more than many other women have in this life, you are young, certainly physically healthy, you have your kids, I am sure you have a nice home and a great job. What are you missing in the life you have build for yourself? Regarding your kids, you are going through a custody issue, if this matter was ever known you would loose custody and you know it, you are just in time to switch things around and rebuild a good family and home for your kids including a healthy and happy mother. Don't worry, no one here will ever know who you are or where you live so there is nothing to fear in this site.
Would you like your kids to do the same things you are doing? You are setting the wrong example for them and you are responsible for converting your home into another dysfunctional one like the one you grew up in. Then it was not your fault but now it is your absolute responsibility. I don't think you would want that for your kids, what you need is time to think things over, get your ideas in place, write a diary and please think about your kids and get urgent help for yourself.
Have you ever thought of the possibility you may have a personality disorder due to an abusive childhood? But wait don't freak out, a personality disorder can be treated with a special therapy for said disorders and you can have a good, happy and productive life. There is a great doctor his name is Leland Heller and he calls this kind of personality disorder "biological unhappiness" his web site with full contacts is the following: www.biologicalunhappiness.com/. Check his other site called "Ask the Doctor" you can send a fax or email and ask him whatever you wish. He is perhaps the only one who has ever cured and recovered people with personality disorders, do you know why? Because there are very few specific medications for said disorders and he knows very much, to say the least, about how to combine the medicines for each particular person in other words they are tailor made. Why not give it a try? What would you loose? Or better still how much could you gain.
I don't know if you understand that psychiatrists and psychologists have made an oath of silence before going into practice. Not even the laws can force them to tell anyone's life story and troubles. If they speak out they would loose their license and will never again be able to practice anywhere in the US, Europe or else where. If you try your very best and set an appointment with one of them you don't need to start speaking out about those issues that trouble you the most. Take it easy begin at the beginning and keep on going until you can let the whole issue out. By then you would know the person and would be able to trust him/her and that person would learn to appreciate you.
I have asked several questions, think them over and answer them for yourself in your diary that could help a lot and don't forget Narcotics Anonymous (N/A).
Take care and be good.
Your past sorrows are so deeply installed in your mind that you can't consciously tell the difference between what if anything could have been your fault and what was not your fault. You hurt and keep hurting yourself as a way to punish yourself and I dare ask, what are you pushing yourself for? Is it because you had a dysfunctional family? Was it your fault at all? Was there anything you could have done to avoid the abuse in your childhood? You were just a kid and most certainly must have been scared to death so how on earth could you have helped out? You need to urgently rebuild your self esteem.
You have much more than many other women have in this life, you are young, certainly physically healthy, you have your kids, I am sure you have a nice home and a great job. What are you missing in the life you have build for yourself? Regarding your kids, you are going through a custody issue, if this matter was ever known you would loose custody and you know it, you are just in time to switch things around and rebuild a good family and home for your kids including a healthy and happy mother. Don't worry, no one here will ever know who you are or where you live so there is nothing to fear in this site.
Would you like your kids to do the same things you are doing? You are setting the wrong example for them and you are responsible for converting your home into another dysfunctional one like the one you grew up in. Then it was not your fault but now it is your absolute responsibility. I don't think you would want that for your kids, what you need is time to think things over, get your ideas in place, write a diary and please think about your kids and get urgent help for yourself.
Have you ever thought of the possibility you may have a personality disorder due to an abusive childhood? But wait don't freak out, a personality disorder can be treated with a special therapy for said disorders and you can have a good, happy and productive life. There is a great doctor his name is Leland Heller and he calls this kind of personality disorder "biological unhappiness" his web site with full contacts is the following: www.biologicalunhappiness.com/. Check his other site called "Ask the Doctor" you can send a fax or email and ask him whatever you wish. He is perhaps the only one who has ever cured and recovered people with personality disorders, do you know why? Because there are very few specific medications for said disorders and he knows very much, to say the least, about how to combine the medicines for each particular person in other words they are tailor made. Why not give it a try? What would you loose? Or better still how much could you gain.
I don't know if you understand that psychiatrists and psychologists have made an oath of silence before going into practice. Not even the laws can force them to tell anyone's life story and troubles. If they speak out they would loose their license and will never again be able to practice anywhere in the US, Europe or else where. If you try your very best and set an appointment with one of them you don't need to start speaking out about those issues that trouble you the most. Take it easy begin at the beginning and keep on going until you can let the whole issue out. By then you would know the person and would be able to trust him/her and that person would learn to appreciate you.
I have asked several questions, think them over and answer them for yourself in your diary that could help a lot and don't forget Narcotics Anonymous (N/A).
Take care and be good.
Well I made it 6 days without cutting but today I couldn't make day 7! Tomorrow will start day 1 again!
do keep us posted... and, please feel free to PM me anytime.
Take care, iam1butterfly
Take care, iam1butterfly
So I am working on day 4 without cutting, I am doing this totally on my own now. So far so good. Now that I have come this far I am not going to seek therapy because I don't really see the point if I am already doing fine without it. I have looked up a lot of stuff on line about cutting and why I would do it in the first place, and realized that it is most likely caused by sexual abuse as a child, so I know that that has come up in the last little while because of a certain person that did it, passed away and his name because commonplace around our family. I didn't go to the funeral made up a lame excuse about work and got out of it, but the stress of it and my one child being the age I was when it started and another one of my children being the age I was when it started, really brought it back to the surface. I have not talked about it with anyone but realized that I do not want that controlling me now. I think I will be fine. I am also working on stopping with all the pills... and by next week I hope to be pill free for at least 24 hours and go from there.
Hopefully anything else I write on here is good news.
Hopefully anything else I write on here is good news.
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