I dont know

[shanna520]

Hi,  I dont know if I am over reacting but I need some help.  My husband and I have been together for 8 years.  We have two children whom are toddlers and my stepson is 16.  The outburst always seem to be the same thing.  He makes the money so he should be able to spend it like he wants and that it is his contribution to the household.   I asked why he could not help out at home and he started with f this and that in front of all the kids.  I asked him to stop and he continued.  I told him he needed to apologize to me and the kids for his behavior and he said he would not.  I told him he has no respect for me and he said I had non for him.  His outburst are to the point where I am getting nervous that he is gonna react this way to the kids when I am not home.  I feel like I need to walk on egg shells and always ask his opinion for everything or permission.  He tells me I am stupid for asking his opinion but I tell him its cause I dont know how he will react.  Or he states that I never aks and he always forgets why he was yelling at me.  This last time he told me that he didnt know why he yelled at me just that I triggered something in him and then on Monday told me he was sorry but if I just remembered his contribution that everything would be alright.  This is not the first time, but it seems to be happening more frequent.  I am worried about my daughter specially but both my boys too.  It happens about every 6 weeks and when I told him that he told me I was crazy.  Thru the years has told me I am over sensative, stupid,. I have told him in the past if he threatened me I would leave but then he says I can't leave with is kids and its his house and well... you may get the picture.  I know you can't tell much from writing on here but is this verbal abuse or am I at fault?  I am confused.  

[shanna520]

People that can take me in is kind of a no.  Maybe on a temperary basis but that is it.  A day or two.  I have found a shelter but I have not been there yet and it is where I found the counsellor so I am hoping they can be of help and maybe can point me to legal info as well in case I need it.  He has been nice I almost forget that it happens.  I feel guilty for looking into things cause I keep thinking I can work things out, but then I get nervous when he says something then goes back to something else and I just dont know what to do to keep the peace.  Do exactly as he says or make up my own mind.  He told me yesterday I could make up my own mind and that I would not going to hear about it later at all and that he was not trying to control me.  I used to believe him when he said that.  Now I wonder how long it will be before he brings it up and puts a twist on it.  Then he told me this weekend he wanted to make love and i'm like no, don't touch me.  I dont want anything to do with him that way and so he jokingly put he was gonna find a new wife, I told him to go for it.  He didnt like that but I told him I need respect.  Then he was nice yesterday.  I hate confusion, I felt so much better planning.  It gives me direction, then when he changes his tune it is confusing.  I guess this is the normal going back and forth phase?  

[txsilver]

You go girl!  There are many ways to rat whole $.  A few dollars here, a few there, it all adds up.  Do you have family who can take you in?  Explore those options!  

[shanna520]

Thanks for hte positive vibe.  Don't know if I am stronger just remember having originial conversation with him stating I would never be abused again and well I wont.  If that means preparing so I can leave I will.  I do mean what I say.  I don't have to live this way nor feel this way nor let my kids live this life too.  I just have to figure it all out.  Right now I am a full time stay at home mom and a full time student.  That keeps me really busy, so hard to get a job.  I need to get through finals and start deciding from there what I can do.  I am gonna open a secret account and gonna just start putting money in it.  Eventually, I will be able to do more.  I finally decided to go to school to become an English teacher and I need to complete degree so I can support kids but like i said, I have just begun.  I am looking to see if there is something I can do from home over the summer and see if I can get paid from writing too.  so, I am racking my brain, just gonna take a little time and effort to formulate.    

[hawaiibunny7]

your a stronger woman than most in your position and I hope all works well for you.  no one deserves to live that way and Im so glad you know that you deserve better. I really really hope everything works out. do you have a job or can you get one? you can always get a secret bank account and take out some of the money from your paychecks, enough to save but not enought to get suspician. my mom had to do that for a few years and my dad never knew

[shanna520]

So I have set an appointment to meet with a counsellor and found a local support group too.  Now I need to find a baby sitter and a reason for leaving once a week.  I am trying to just stay calm,but I am so used to defending myself that it can be the first thing out of my mouth before I even think.  I have told him to stop a few times and he looks at me like I am crazy but so far it has worked.  For the first time I feel like I am not alone.  I am doing my best to finish this first year at school and at the same time racking my brain on how to bring money in with out him getting suspicious so I can put it away.  I know I will come up with something because I am not going to live the rest of my life this way.  

[hawaiibunny7]

I have a friend in the same position as you.  Her huband treats her the same way yours does and she questioned whether or not she was in the wrong and he was right.  As you have already heard you are not in the wrong in this and it sounds like you are truly trying to make things work but it takes two to do that and your just butting your head against a stone wall.  But like my friend she didn't have the means to leave him even though it would be the best thing for her. The advice I gave her was to do what she could and to always stay calm in an outburst.  And even though you feel you cant leave yet start making plans, dont just hope things will get better because they wont.  Always remember that now that you have children its them before everything else and you as a mother should know best but obviously getting away is the healthiest thing for them. do what you can and always be looking and making plans