I dont know

[shanna520]

Hi,  I dont know if I am over reacting but I need some help.  My husband and I have been together for 8 years.  We have two children whom are toddlers and my stepson is 16.  The outburst always seem to be the same thing.  He makes the money so he should be able to spend it like he wants and that it is his contribution to the household.   I asked why he could not help out at home and he started with f this and that in front of all the kids.  I asked him to stop and he continued.  I told him he needed to apologize to me and the kids for his behavior and he said he would not.  I told him he has no respect for me and he said I had non for him.  His outburst are to the point where I am getting nervous that he is gonna react this way to the kids when I am not home.  I feel like I need to walk on egg shells and always ask his opinion for everything or permission.  He tells me I am stupid for asking his opinion but I tell him its cause I dont know how he will react.  Or he states that I never aks and he always forgets why he was yelling at me.  This last time he told me that he didnt know why he yelled at me just that I triggered something in him and then on Monday told me he was sorry but if I just remembered his contribution that everything would be alright.  This is not the first time, but it seems to be happening more frequent.  I am worried about my daughter specially but both my boys too.  It happens about every 6 weeks and when I told him that he told me I was crazy.  Thru the years has told me I am over sensative, stupid,. I have told him in the past if he threatened me I would leave but then he says I can't leave with is kids and its his house and well... you may get the picture.  I know you can't tell much from writing on here but is this verbal abuse or am I at fault?  I am confused.  

[shanna520]

I have almost completed the book and it has been very insightful.  Is there anything else I need to read?  anything else some one can recommend I maybe do?  I will start looking into some form of therapy for me shortly and then see what my options are and then have them in place before I talk to him.  That way I will know what I can or can't do.  Now nothing has happened since monday and he acting like nothing happened but I still dont want him touching me nor do I want to talk to him.  I am so tired off it all.  Thanks everyone that responded.  

[marissposa]

You are not oversensitve!  His behaviour is not okay.  

[shanna520]

How do I react to him?  Now he is apologizing every day and saying I love you every chance he gets and I don't know what to say to him and I dont feel like saying I love you back.  Now he is getting mad cause I have not spoken to him except to answer him in three days.  I don't know what to say.  Everytime I think of something it is to tell him how I feel and I just know he will have some reason as to why he said what he said.  I did pick up the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond", but I just got it today.  I need to be cheerful for my kids right now till I figure out what to do next and its hard.  I know I'm whining, I just don't know what to do.  

[jo929]

It does sound like he is wanting to control everything,Also a controlling man can turn into a real abusive one, and if things are not working out, I do believe that i would think of getting yourself and the children out of this situation, also you might try and get him to go to counsleing, but if he will not, I would leave before it becomes physical, or you get so beat down, you wont leave, also the children have to listen to this.  I wish you the best    jo

[April2]

No, you're not crazy. It's actually pretty common for people who have been abused to be attracted to people who abuse. It's all you've known so you think it's normal. In the back of your mind, though, you know it's not normal and you want things different but you just don't know how to make things better or change things. Am I right?
The problem is his. He sounds pretty insecure to me. It's scares him for you to make something of yourself whether it be through schooling or a job. It makes him feel inferior and he doesn't like that one bit. So, he belittles you and puts you down to "put you in your place" so to speak or rather under him and his control.
Yes, he sounds like a controling person. Most people who feel out of control in their own lives try to control others or situations around them. When they can't do that, they feel frustrated and therefore strike out at the thing blocking them from that control. Does that make sense?
He can't tell you that you can't take the kids and leave. You have every right as their mother to do that. If he wants to fight that then he needs to petition the court.
I recommend you guys agree to counseling and him to anger management classes. If he refuses then you get counseling for yourself. Also, start looking into how you could support you and your kids should you decide to leave. You need to be prepared. Hold your head up. You and your kids deserve better. I hope things will pick up for you soon. Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. Take care & God bless.

[shanna520]

When we first got married I would stay home with kids and he would work.  No problem, but when we first got married he also did not want me to work cause it didnt make enought money, he wanted me home with him, didnt want me out.  I started my own business and did that for three years untill I became pregnant with our first child.  Then we up and moved 3000 miles in a matter of a few months because he wanted too.  In those three years, he called me names and asked me why I did thing this way and not his way.  I just chalked it up to being married even tho this was second for us both.  I yelled right back at him then.  I thought it was normal.  Looking back on it now I was trying everything I could to please him.  It started to get worse when our first child was born and I thought it was stress of new baby, house, job ect and that it would simmer down, but it has been getting worse.  Now with two toddlers he seems to have no control at all.  About every 6 weeks or when I state to him I am happy, (with in 24 hours or less) he is yelling at me for nothing or If I state how I feel I am over sensitive or my perception is not correct.  I have been asking myself for months, what am i doing wrong.  Now he curses in front of the kids and has physically threatened me in the past.  I said if he did I would take the kids and leave and he threatened me more if I took "his" kids away, then the next day apologized and when I try to talk about my feelings he does not remember anything.  I did decide to go to school and do that full time on line and I am wondering if me doing this makes him feel more out of control, but he never does talk about what my learning will bring, only the money it will bring in.  I am still asking myself what am i doing wrong, but I know it is him and not me.  I feel like I am on eggshells and only realizing I have not wanted anything to do with him for months cause I dont know when the next outburst will be.  I have even told him that I needed to steal myself against him cause of his behavior and he thought I was crazy and I am starting to feel like I am going crazy.  I survived physical abuse as a child and with my first husband.  I always said I would never be abused again.  Why did it take me so long to recognize it now or am i just plain crazy?