I think I'm being abused. Help please.

Question

I live with my aunt and cousin. My aunt is in her early 70's and my cousin is in her mid 50's. And my cousin slapped me last Sunday night. She hit me like I was a man. I'm 26. It's not the first time she's put her hands on me, but she kept trying to attack me that night. She is slightly mentally handicapped, but she knows right from wrong and is very street smart. She steals my things and threatened to spit in my food in the refrigerator. She also leaves mean and nasty voice messages on my phone, gives strange men my phone number, and tells them to call me. I can't change my phone number because that will cause conflict in the household. I pretty much hide in my room when my cousin is here unless I really have to leave my room for something. (More to the story, but this is what happened lately.)

I am also bullied by my other family member about my sickness (longer story). I don't know what to do. I love my family, but I knew it was a bad idea to move back home when I first began to get sick. I've been back for a year now, and it's just gotten worse.

I am agoraphobic, monophobic, have anxiety and panic disorder. I have a small income, but it's not enough to just up an leave. I don't want to tell other family members that I want to leave or ask for help because I am afraid that I will be kicked out with nowhere to go. Any help or advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

Wow, so much time has passed, i know that you had an appointment mid month to find out if you were eligible for disability, and i know you were anxious about making it to that appointment (the elevator, the stairs, maybe speaking up for yourself enough to explain the disability in full, maybe not going, making it look like you weren't motivated to go the distance with the interview process). : How did it go?

neikainaka · Answer

No. I'm looking for a WAH job and trying to start an online store with my friend. Thank you very much.

ROSYouralright · Answer

I HATE that you are going through this! Do you have ANY way out? Also I wanted you to know that your art is very BEAUTIFUL and I enjoy your pictures VERY much!

neikainaka · Answer

No. My cousin terrorized me in my room again today, scared my dog, and my aunt said that I was the one that needed help. She's trying to make me go to a place for therapy that she picked out, which is way out of my comfort zone. Meanwhile, my cousin didn't get in trouble. I just don't understand it.

ROSYouralright · Answer

I LOVE that you are trying to make a plan for your future!! How are things going now? Have things eased up?

neikainaka · Answer

Thank you. I've told them that's why I didn't want to hit her back.

neikainaka · Answer

Thank you very much. I am focusing on a plan for my future.

neikainaka · Answer

Thank you. I want to make sure that my health is manageable. The panic attacks and asthma make it difficult to leave home certain days, and most of the summer when there is muggy weather. I'm trying to find a way of working or starting a business from home.

specialmom · Answer

Yes, I agree that violence isn't the way to go.  I'm again not one to recommend fighting back with force, cussing at them, etc. Better to just remove toxic people from your life.  

You have some things going on with your health that do make moving a hard thing to think about.  I'm very sorry to hear that you've lost your mom.  I lost mine years ago and it is a pain I always live with to this day.  I lost my advocate!  Think of what your mom would want for you hon.  She would want you away from these people.

I would take whatever action you need to in order to find other living arrangements.  Peace to you dear.  May you have good times ahead!

Nighthawk61 · Answer

PS love your journal pages and love your pics xo

Nighthawk61 · Answer

Not only that, if you hurt her you can be charged with assault causing bodily harm....

allmymarbles · Answer

I would give the same advice as Nighthawk61. To try to turn abusers into non-abusers is not worth the effort. They have a mean streak and it is ingrained. Find a life for yourself away from them.

neikainaka · Answer

specialmom, Thank you for the welcome. My mom passed away when I was 18. I am starting the process of going to therapy again, but the panic and anxiety make it very difficult. Also, family members (even my aunt) tell me to hit my cousin back. But that only made her worse. After I tried to get away from her, she chased me up the stairs, and tried to pull me down them that same night. So, I've been avoiding her. And my aunt's been treating me differently because of it.

ROSYouralright and Nighthawk61, thanks a lot.

Nighthawk61 · Answer

There's housing that is pro rated for your income, you just have to access it. Even if you had to put your name on the list, and wait 6 months, you need to get it started. You need to talk to your doctors, and have them get a hold of social services and get this in the works. You'll be much happier without this kind of treatment and then maybe you can be involved in some kind of group therapy. Maybe there's a group situation for disabled people that you could access through social services. The fact that there's someone in your home that is putting their hands on you, should hurry the process. Please talk to your doctor about helpng you to find safe housing. It's too hard to work out your own problems with this kind of thing happening. Plus, your Aunt will be going to heaven soon, and then where will you be? Left to be abused by your cousin? That's not good enough. Tell your doctor that you fear for your life, when your Aunt leaves this world. and get some help.

Please remember, the help is there. The government is set up to help people out that have disabilities. You deserve their help. You must push for it, and I think the doctor would be your best bet.

Please keep posting, dont' be alone with this. I'll send you a private message in case you need a friend to talk to . okay? You're in my prayers dear. Things will get better, if you keep reaching out, I promise. There is help out there, for you. Liz

ROSYouralright · Answer

Special mom took the words right outta my mouth. Find your voice sweetie. That may be all it takes to get them to knock it off. Best of luck to you and please keep us updated.

specialmom · Answer

Hi there.  Welcome.  Gosh, I'm awful sorry you are in this situation.  I can't believe your cousin slapped you!  And some of the other things she's done just don't sound like a 50 something year old women.  She must have some issues dear. 

In all honesty, I'd really consider what your options are.  Maybe you can't move out today but next month?  This current situation is toxic.  For not only the reason that you are being mistreated but that it is ruining the family dynamic.  I don't know if you ever believed your aunt and cousin to be kind hearted before but you probably can't think of them that way ever again!  Is your own mom alive?  Any siblings?  I would consider what other family you could stay with.  I'd consider what type of place I could get on my own even if small and not great.  I'd consider if I could find a roommate.  I'd find any other type of living arrangement than this.

I hear ya that you are sick and have limited funds but I don't want these people treating you this way.  Make a plan to get out as quickly as you can.  

Now, you mention some things that make it really  hard, I certainly understand that.  The issues around the mental health problems are hard to overcome.  Is this the illness you speak of?  I am sure you are working with a psychiatrist.  I would open up to your psych and therapist (hopefully a psychologist is also being seen and you are doing talk therapy . . .  if not, please consider this as it is the best way to conquer what you've mentioned).  The current living situation is going to add to your anxiety. 

By the way, what happens when you stand up for yourself.  I'm a little sister . . .  I took it for so long before I found my voice and my voice can get firm and tell someone to knock it off.  How does it go when you draw the line and tell them to keep their hands off you, off your stuff, talk respectfully to you, etc.  A good exercise is to think of someone that you love dearly.  I love my sons dearly.  If I pictured someone doing those things to them, I'd make it stop.  Well, picture the loved one taking that abuse.   What would you say to help them?  That is what you need to do for yourself.  Does that make sense?  

I don't believe in cussing anyone out, hitting anyone, throwing things, etc.  But calmly letting them know you aren't there to be their punching bag and it stops.  And if it doesn't stop, honey, you have to move sooner rather than later.  

Stay in touch with us and let us know how it goes.  peace