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Is it me? Help.

I'm currently trying to "find myself" as for the past 9 years I've been dealing with emotional abuse from my parents. When I was little I always remember being treated like a princess (which I'm very grateful for) When my sister was born she was the next inline. I was fine with it, and took on the big sister role. Throughout my sisters childhood, my parent's were always fighting. Finanical issues and their own problems were always what they were yelling about. I tried to keep my sister as busy as possible and take care of her ( I wished for her so I wanted to anyway) When I got to age 12, I started to "look" for myself. My mom took on this duty and picked my style for me. Hollister, A&F, prep everything. I liked the skater chic look bc that's what my friends were wearing. I gained a new group of friends from being social ( even though being friends with the popular group meant losing my old friends-my mom said it would be good for me ..Didn't have a say actually ) My mom took over my life in short. She made me a myspace, AIM, bought me a phone. Told me to be social. (I had friends on my own. They liked me for me) My mom placed thoughts in my head and made me think I had to be this way to get somewhere in life. She then took over my social networking. Everything is logged in to even when I'm not around- so she can view it. Growing up she was always looking to hear the drama and if I said there was none she would get mad and think I didn't want to tell her. I didn't think it was normal-for her to be so involved. YES, at 12 she has every right to look at what I'm doing. But I didn't think it was normal for her to be answering as if she was me, posting as if she was me, telling me what to say, think and wear. She was becoming herself through me technically. I felt trapped. I had a boyfriend at the time who always asked her why she didn't let me have space. She made me break up with him because she thought he was rude and trying to ruin our "friendship". Whenever someone texted "is your mom reading this" or "is your mom going to read this" she got angry. My friends saw how up my butt she was ( no one else's parents did this.. maybe occasionally checked phones but that's it) She thought I was telling people It was her on my phone or her answering ( like she got angry bc she was embarrassed I guess) Everyone always asked her .. even my grandmom and dad. She said she had to make sure I was OK. Up until 19 ( now, almost 20) She is STILL reading my phone and logged into all my accounts. If I change a password, she freaks out and asks for it immediately or she's kicking me out. I'm currently working on moving out myself. My current boyfriend whom I've been with for 5 years sees her as abusive. I've never come to terms with that word. I was told it was normal from my mom and dad. My dad never says anything but my mom forces him to be mad at me when she's mad. He's always hated me though from my prespective atleast. If i cried, threw up, etc. he would yell at me. Everyday he calls me a *****, idek why any more. My sister and brother see what they put me through but I don't know if it's me or them. They're always holding the house thing over my head. When I try to move out my mom yells at me and threatens me with a ton of things from moving away and not telling me where to calling the cops and saying I left and stole from her or something crazy. My mom gets physical alot and will pull me by my hair into the ground. I get called names numerous times thoughout the day from my parents. I've been taking medicine for weightloss and she says that I look pregnant or I look fat or "you can't wear that out your too fat" and I'm always being threatened about being kicked out for some reason ( if I leave a water bottle on the table or the toothpaste in the wrong spot I'm  getting kicked out (little stupid stuff) I'm now 19 years old, and I can't take it anymore from both of them! I do not expect siblings to get involved AT ALL bc I want them to have  agood childhood but they're so scared of my mom that they side with her. My mom created a fear and a need and she will hold it over your head (I guess it's so she can completely control whatever is going on) but I think at 19/20 years of age that I'd have a say in things I do. She didn't like any of the majors I picked so she made me rethink things. I wanted to be a writer or an editor but she didn't think it would make me any money so she said no you can't do that. Same with cosmetology. She said I would be miserable, and said she'd disown me If I went to school for cosmetology. My whole life has been her life.. and every deicison was not my own. I'm now trying to find myself and I cant because I feel like I've lost my own identity taking over hers and the one she wants inside of herself. Is it me? Am I the crazy one? It's just been getting worse and worse. I'm in the process of finding out what I'm dealing with ( even though all signs point to lyme) and she said I'm faking it so I don't have to do anything. I couldn't believe she said that, why would I lie about everything and the pain and all of it? She finds so many reasons for why I can't do something. So I really want to move out but I don't know how. There is so much not dressed in this post but she  just always has a problem with me and everything I do. Will It ever get better?
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Hi sweetie, i'm sorry that you're dealing with pain issues on top of the emotional and physical abuse that you've had to endure. The most important thing you need to do is to get a proper diagnosis and treatment. You believe it to be lyme disease from the symptoms i take it. Have you not gone to the doctor for a blood test yet ?

(Lyme disease, caused by bacteria transmitted through the bite of infected ticks, can bring on a host of troublesome symptoms: fever, headache, fatigue and a red, circular skin rash.- Once diagnosed, usually by noting symptoms and getting a blood test that detects antibodies to the bacteria, doctors typically prescribe antibiotics for two to four weeks. Left untreated, Lyme infection can be bad news for the joints, the heart and the nervous system.)

So you have a choice to make about where you're going to live while going through secondary school. as well as the choice for what to major in. You don't need to pick a major in the first year, you can take your time to do that, once you're out of the house and living with actual "friends".
You can get help from student counselors about your future, your parent's are of no help to you. Was your mom and dad going to pay for your education, and were they holding that over your head, so that they can choose your major for you ? with a threat of not paying for your education if you don't choose what they want you to choose?

Here in Canada it's easy to get a student loan, for education costs and living expenses. My son has lived on his own since he was your age, and is still going to school He chose to get his BA in English Humanities, and now is attending a Construction Engineering course. He got a job through the university with the government and has always had a job at the local pool/ working a few days a week, to one day a week now. He's able to go for any government jobs that are available while he's working part time with the government.

Honey , there are SO MANY opportunities out there for you. Your parent's did not take the opportunity to raise you so that you would be confident moving forward, and that's unfortunate., but PLEASE , don't think for a minute that you're not going to be okay. YOU WILL BE OKAY. You've come to the right place to make a few friends, that can honestly take the place of your parents. My parents had to be replaced as well. I had to walk away from my family and make true friends to support me. Where there's a will, there's a way.

I've got experience with a teenager going through university and now college. I know you're going to be okay, just stick with positive people,, and your life will feel more and more positive.

I don't know why we got stuck with loser parent's honey. All i know is that you can rise above this, and have a family of your own where you can lead Positively. (if you choose to have kids). Your partner in life , will be the person that will care for you moving forward. Right now, whoever it is, is hopefully attending university and working, and getting ready to be the best mate they can be. YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY. I PROMISE.

LIZ
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3060903 tn?1398565123
You need to think about getting a resume together, so that you can try to pick up on (hopefully) a government part time job.
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