Missed a mom

[Boogie8481]

Hi I am not sure whether this is the right forum to go to.  I haven't spoken with my mother in 16 years.  She has moved, and never usually has a phone. My childhood was difficult because my parents divorced and my mom never worked.  She was supported by my uncle (her brother, not my dads).  I am guessing this was after my mom left, but my uncle while babysitting me would molest me and he had off and on for about 4 years (when I was 4-8).  Apparantly he had been doing the same to my brother and my other younger uncle.  My mother didn't believe me when I told her and said she didn't love me, and she would send me to live with my dad.  Since I loved her so much, I just said I was wrong, so that I could stay living with her. I loved her very much.  But then she changed when my uncle came out of jail.  He ended up living with us, and I hated him so we would argue al the time.  She always took his side. Then as I was becomming a teenager, her and I would fight, but usually I would just be watching TV with her and she would just call me names like b*&^%^ and **** (I was only 10) .  Finally at 14 she asked me whether or not I wanted to live with her anymore.  By this time, my father had been dating this nice woman and she had a cool family.  My mom gave me a week to decide.  She told me she was moving far away, but didn't say where (by the way she never moved).  For this whole week she was hateful to me. This made me want to live with my dad, so I did.  Well she said the day I was leaving she said she was sick and the doctors couldn't do anything for her, but she said I could visit anytime I wanted.  I never visited out of fear for my uncle, and so I would write her letters.  She never wrote back, never called, even though she knew my number.  My step mom who was the nice woman turned out to be wierd as well.  She would say I was lazy even though I would help her clean more than her own daughter, and other such things.  So here I am left with no mother.  Its been rough going through my teen years and twenties with no one to give me the love I should have gotten from a mother.  I have issues with my self esteem and I don't know how to fix the lost and sad feelings that are left from basically never having a real mother. I feel like a child inside and I am tired of being afraid of life.  Can anyone out there tell me how to stop feeling all this pain, and abandonment?  I am 30 years old and would just like to live my life like a normal person, and I feel lately that these lingering feelings are causing me to hold myself back..Thanks.

[Boogie8481]

Thanks for your response.  I do have a good man in my life, but we got together really young and have both made mistakes and we are now trying to work them out.  We have been together for almost 14 years now.  Also, I DO have a nice job that I like very much, and lots of friends.  But all of this still isn't enough, I guess.  I still feel like I am missing the love of a mother.  I have gotten by all these years by talking to my aunt and my older friends, but still isn't the same.  I am codependant on my boyfriend and I think this is because his behaviors remind of the good qualities my mother had.  I always think he doesn't love me and that I am too ugly for him, but he says he loves the way I look.  My low self esteem has been a huge problem in our relationship, and I think its because of the way my mother was to me and made me feel.  I just don't know how to fix myself.

[margypops]

I am so sorry this has happened to you, and I can see why you have these feelings, did you ever have any counselling or therapy , sometimes it does work well when there is someone to speak it out with.I think in speaking it all here you have realised that it has to be put behind you,the past cannot be changed, once you accept that this did happen but now you are an adult and in control of everything you do in your life, you get tough ,you become determined not to let this ,and the awful behaviors of others  ruin your life, Find a satisfying job, maybe you have one , find some good friends , you are here with us we are your  friends, fill your life with work, and happenings , is there a man in your life ,lot of good men out there looking for a good Woman, The best bit of help I ever did for myself was when I got to the stage where I would not allow my thoughts to make me feel bad, it is our thoughts that hinder us, on our way to happiness. Let us know how you are doing .