Advice

[Cyn95]

Im 17 years old and i was abused a week after my birthday, fun huh? I decided to drink and when i was way out of my mind i called him up and he picked me up. We parked outside of his house and talked for a bit. When i least expected it he had unzipped his pants and was holding his penis out at me. I told him no, nothings gonna happen. Put it way. He insisted and started kissing my face encouraging me to wanna have sex, but i knew my condition and kept saying no. He then got on top of me and started pulling down on my sweats, when i least knew it they were off. I put my hands over my underwear telling him no, stop i dont want to. Just stop. But he kept inisisting still. He kept trying to move my hands off but i tried hard and he grabbed ahold of my wrists with one hand while with the other he pulled my underwear to the side and tried to put it in. I squirmed around so he wouldnt but he just wouldnt stop. I went into a shock and basically let him go on. It wasnt for long probably only 15 mins and it was over. It actually hurt me because im not a sexually active person so i was pretty tight at the moment . After he was done and got off, i just said take me home. I stayed quiet for 4 months until i found out i was pregnant.... when i told my mom she was infuriated and wanted him dead for taking advantage of me that way after saying no many times. She pressed charges on him and we are now on case to see what charges he will be recieving. He knew i was pregnant a day before my mom found out,but now that he knows charges are being pressed hes been denying it all. He claims that im just a ***** who ***** around alot and that hes not the father . Im 100% sure he is because he was the only one who touched me a week after i had gotten off my period. Its obvious it was him and no one else. I am now 9 months pregnant and my mother has been my partner thru it all. Without her i wouldve possibly gone into a deep depression and tried hurting myself and the baby. I hate knowing hes the father, but i love the feeling of my baby inside and thats the only thing that has kept me going. Soon ill be induced to have my baby here and i pray to god that he smacks karma so hard across his face when he sees the dna test come out 99% true . Im praying he gets many jail years because not only has he hurt me physically and emotionally, but also my baby who had no fault being made at this point. I dont regret my baby, im just infuriated that because of some jerks fault who couldnt take no for an answer my baby has to grow up without a father and even having that ******* blood in him. Please have my case in your prayers so that justice is made and he gets what he deserves. Also for all those teen girls out there to be careful who theyre around when drinking because any ******* will take that as an advantage to get lucky. I will forever hold this nightmare in my head, but ill always keep a smile on my face so my baby sees how happy mommy is even at a young age. Thank you for reading my story. <3

[Bheja]

Dear Cyn95,

First of all i would like to salute you for such a courageous story you have gone through and how you have faced it. In fact it is the common problem that the teens faces today and normally many don't get across it. Knowingly and unknowingly teens are involved in such abuses.

Likewise i would also hope that every girl who are facing such problem to have a mother like yours. Your mother is really a great person to support you even in such situation.

As for your sake, it is better for you to believe in yourself and most importantly believe in your baby. After all to have faith in ones child is the parents ultimate goal in life. Fight for your and your child's right. Don't let yourself down. People say that each second that you live is the time to start a new life. May the mighty one help you to overcome this problem. Control yourself.

Finally i know it is difficult to follow all the great thing that people say but if you want then it is all yours. You don't need what the people say.

Thanks again for sharing such a heart touching story and hope that every teens feel you inside them when they read this story.

[Nighthawk61]

Also honey, i'm NOT saying that this is your fault, okay? There is no excuse for a man to rape a women. BUT your chances of this happening again are pretty high if you don't change your habits.  I know, I'm an alcoholic and I took risks and gravitated towards people that I normally would not have, had I not been drinking, and i have been similarly taken advantage of.  Please be careful and deal with your issue of drinking to the point of being "way out of my mind" , with a drug and alcohol counselor, if need be, to help you to keep yourself always on guard. This is your new life as a mom. Check off all the boxes, when dealing with the issue of rape. Again, not telling you that you were asking for it, only that you were naive to not know that an invitation from a drunk 17 year old to a probably drunk or high 20 something man might easily be misconstrued as a booty call. Nonetheless, no excuse. NO means NO. But again, since there is a baby involved, this guy might get away with rape, and other women are then at risk should he not be tried for a crime. Next time it happens, he won't have a record, because you had to protect your baby and he will be charged as a first time offender, not a second, or third or fourth time offender. I would imagine there are many reasons why a women can not go forth with a trial and that will include all the particulars of the incident. The victim's character will always be in question, maybe to the point of a hung jury and a case dismissed. Just, please, talk to someone about your drinking habits, please keep safe sweety.  I know what happens to us women when we don't, and what happened to you is far , far more common than you would ever imagine.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, if you're trying to help other teens honey, please tell them not to get drunk and therefore unduly trusting of persons that could harm them.  

If you wanted to date a man, make sure that you're in the right frame of mind, in control. Set your own rules, no drinking, not alone, meeting in a busy restaurant or zoo or beach front, etc. Think about how well you know a person before you trust them with "talking" alone at night in a vehicle. . When you were "out of your mind" were you upset and needing to talk to a friend? Was he a friend, or was he simply available?

Dealing with the issue of how you handle yourself, is not an issue of blame, it's an issue of your future safety. And if you have a problem with alcohol, maybe occasional binging and the ensuing problems that come with it, please, please , talk to someone about it.

[Nighthawk61]

this jerk is aware you're pregnant, so I assume if he does have a mother from hell that is considering suing for custody, the only thing stopping them could be the outcome of the charges that are currently under review.

I'm assuming the DNA test is being done to prove your case of rape

We've all said the same thing,
IF there's any way you can WALK AWAY PRIOR TO THE DNA TEST BEING PERFORMED , it may be worth "walking away" from the case that your pursuing,
not only for your sake of having a life long affiliation with a rapist as the baby mother, should they have an interest in the child,
but also, for the child who must be protected at all costs from a rapist.

If it were me, knowing what I know of A holes getting even partial custody of an innocent child, I wouldn't walk away, I'd run , I'd put a 1-000 or so miles in between my family and his
I'd just make it far too difficult and expensive for them to play. They would have to find you on the opposite coast, pay for a lawyer bring up a trial and demand a dna test at that point. The chances of them caring that much
and having to go to that much work i think dramatically lowers the chance of harm being done

[specialmom]

AlllMyMarbles does bring up a good point.  I sincerely doubt this jerk will want custody but he might be cruel and want to mess with you or he might have a mother that decides she wants this baby around her and they sue you for custody.  Could be a headache.  That is the one thing about walking away-----  you don't have to deal with that stuff.  

I do wish you all the best my dear.  peace

[Godisfaithful]

I'm so sorry what you went through. Praying for you all.

[Nighthawk61]

"for all those teen girls out there to be careful who theyre around when drinking"

Honey, it is never safe to drink to excess and get "way out of your mind". There's so much talk about addiction with fatalistic talk of disease, and an inundation of video that shows people drinking to excess the norm for celebration , that we become numb to the fact that there is a choice to be made for sobriety.  Being drunk is always dangerous.  I mean let me count the ways right? There are far better ways of dealing with life's stress, or celebration, than getting **** faced. I'm not saying that there won't be a time when you have an extra glass of champaigne at your wedding, or a celebration, but purposely or naively drinking to excess is almost always going to be problematic in one way or another. Making a choice for responsible use of mood altering substances is a huge part of becoming a responsible adult.  

"Without her i wouldve possibly gone into a deep depression and tried hurting myself and the baby".

I think it's important that you talk to someone in rape crisis counseling that has gone through rape and also a personal therapist, that can coach you through to your becoming a responsible adult that can function as a mother, and without your mother being the primary caregiver to you and your child.  God bless your mom, but you have come full circle and you are the mom very shortly and need to function as the mom, the breadwinner, and the head of your single family household. I'm not suggesting your not planning on this, I'm just thinking that it would help to have a therapist help you to define your short and long term goals.

I am praying for you that justice IS found and I'm proud of you and your mom for seeking justice and planning together for this child.  Depending on what happens in court, I might consider moving and praying for a dead beat dad so that you can all move on from this. Good luck with everything.

[allmymarbles]

Be very careful. When you prove that he is the father, he may sue for custody. What will you do then? You can't prove that he raped you. He can say it was concentual and that you hand your favors around freely and are unfit to be a mother.  Be very careful how you proceed with this bum.

[BluCrystal]

Hello, Cyn.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.  I am the Community Leader in the Abuse Forum here, and you might find alot of good advice there, not just from me.  I am glad that your rapist is being dealt with by the justice system, and that you do not hold your baby at any fault.  You still have the option to put him/her up for adoption if you want to.  I suspect this is not in your plans, and that you want to mommy your baby, which is very admirable at your young age.  It won't be easy.  But I hear strength in your post, you have an excellent support system in your mother alone.  I, too, had a my first of four babies just after I turned 18.  The baby was not a product of rape, but I have been raped as well, before that.  I do not believe that in this day and age, parenting comes naturally to people.  I know that after my first baby arrived, I had to be shown how to do everything from diapering to bathing to feeding.  I had to get used to sleep deprivation, and smelling like sour milk.  The father was no help at all.  He abused me emotionally as well as physically, but that's another story.  YOU CAN DO THIS, Little Mama. :-)  Message me anytime.  Blessings to you and your baby - Blu

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm so sorry this has happened.  Date rape is such an awful thing.  Anyone you can talk to about it?  Your mother, aunt, sister?  You need an IN person confidante to share what's happened with.  Counseling would be terrific if that is something your mother could set up for you as you're still a minor.

The thing about paternity is that it CAN be proven.  He's foolish to think he can just say "I'm not the father." and think that will end it if you so desire to prove paternity.  Once baby is here, court can make him do a dna test and then you would know for sure.  However . . .   he sounds like a grade A loser.  I doubt you'd collect any type of true child support from him AND he doesn't sound like he will have anything to do with the baby any way.  

If he raped you, you can file a police report.  Something you're interested in doing?  It's your word against his but hey, it complicates his life.  I just wouldn't want him to retaliate if he goes to your school or something like that.  But wow, I hate for some little jerk to get away from that!  Your parents could call his parents, etc.  Make it hard on him.  Tell his mother there will be a paternity test when the baby is born, etc.  

I'm sure karma will come back to bite him.

Hon, I'm also sorry you didn't write before this happened so I could tell you how alcohol is so dangerous to young ladies.  Never get mixed up in drinking or partying again.  Your defenses were down and he was able to take advantage of it.

Think about what all you need to do for baby now.  It's hard, I can not lie, to raise a child let alone raising a child alone.  But plenty of women do it.  Think in terms of education and job training.  Do as much of that as you can now and while the baby is young so you can eventually be an independent woman financially.  Think about child care during school and while you work.  Think about how to earn what it costs to live to raise the baby and the baby needs.  Just some of the realities of what is ahead.  Many do it just fine but you have to be prepared.

You have my best wishes and prayers.  peace