The Smother

[Coco205]

I am so fed up with this odious woman trying to control my friend's life. My friend's mother monitors her closely and gives her hell when she's back past 10, claiming "you keep me up nights when you aren't home on time," even when she calls and says in advance she'll be late. This happens on a weekly basis because my friend is out late attending--GASP--a Christian group on campus.

My friend is a 20-year-old woman who goes to university full time, works two jobs, and commutes; all her parents provide is a roof. She's passionate about helping others; she wants to go away on a community service program for a year after graduation. Her mother doesn't want her to leave for so long.

Once she lied about going to a writer's group with a friend her parents didn't approve of; when they found out, they took the wheel off the car my friend legally owns, preventing her from leaving the house.

My friend's 18-year-old sister has it even worse. She's license-less because her parents won't pay for driver's ed or take her practice driving, effectively confining her to the house except when they're willing to give her a ride. She's been deprived of a normal high school life, unable to stay after school for many activities.

The mother's a deadbeat who's made nothing of her life thus far. Even though the family's in financial difficulty she refuses to look for work because she spends a few hours every week volunteering with her church. Her church is badly in need of volunteers, yes; however, she could easily afford to work and keep volunteering. She's alienated my friend's grandmother, who has proven to be my friend's only supportive family member. We've all speculated the mother is depressed and giving her daughter the same kind of treatment she received as a girl-- that is, she had a smother who didn't even want her leaving to get married.

My friend can't afford to move out of the house and pay her tuition, so she doesn't have a lot of options. Her mother desperately needs therapy, but she'd be unwilling and couldn't afford it anyway.

Any suggestions would be awesome.

[margypops]

Yes I know you want to help her, its a tough one but she is the only one who can do it, as she is getting older maybe all will be well once she gets a place of her own ,I see you say her mother doesnt want her to leave for a community service programme well its not up to her Mom its your friends life, maybe it is partly your friends fault and she is feeling vunerable and needy ...

[skepticalpeach]

I understand why you want to help your friend. I've gotten myself in the middle of situations like this before and gotten in huge trouble. So I do know how frustrating it is to watch someone suffer, but sometimes the best thing you can do is just that. Watch and listen. When the time is ready she'll open up to you and figure out what she wants.

[Coco205]

Thanks for your input, guys. It's great hearing things from a different perspective.

@ Diva: That's sad to hear, but it's good you managed to take control. Nice suggestions, I'll pass it on.

@ margypops: She loves her mom very much, no doubt; that's why it's so difficult for her. She even says she feels like she's the only thing holding the family together sometimes. Actually, these judgements aren't my own-- I'm parroting everything she's told me. The dad isn't really part of the equation, unfortunately; he isn't as controlling, but he doesn't do much about the mom's abusive behavior.

@ RockRose: If she were content with the situation it wouldn't bother me, but every single time we have a conversation that lasts for more than ten minutes it eventually comes back to this. It's such a source of frustration for her and I wish I could help, but all I can do is be supportive. I think talking helps her, but I'm starting to wonder if she's just projecting her frustrations onto me...

[RockRose]

Coco,  I totally agree with the other two.  This is your friend's choice to live the way she is.  She's 20,  she could be living on her own.  She could get a roommate and share expenses - it's not that expensive if you are frugal.  But she prefers to live at home.

I'm wondering why her living situation is so upsetting to you.

[margypops]

I totally agree with Diva , it is your friends choice to stay only she can decide and whilst it may seem odious to you, she probably loves her Mom and it should be talked through by the pair of them,Is there a Dad around to put in what he thinks , the Mom is probably over protective,however  it isnt your place to say negative things about her Mom, it is good you are on her side,it is your friends life and the dynamics in the family are hers to decide  what to do ..

[skepticalpeach]

Her best bet would be to apply for financial aid and move into a dorm room. Yes, she'll accumulate debt, but at least she would be happy. If her mom comes to see her she can tell her to leave, and if she doesn't she can get the police to make her. Better yet, she should go to a college that is far far away.

But, in the end she is the only one who can decide to leave. No matter how concerned for her you are, you can't make her do anything. I've seen so many friends' lives fall apart because they were too afraid to let go of their parents. I got lucky I was one of the ones who was able to get out. I just walked out the door and never came back. It was a decision I made myself because I knew they didn't love me or want me there anymore. I didn't want to be abused anymore. My friends had been telling for years I was being treated wrongly, but I never listened. One day it clicked and I haven't looked back.