is it considered abuse?

[lynnsee]

I've never met my real father but the man I call dad now is the only dad I've ever known. He came into the picture when I was about 1 I think and has been in my life ever since. When I was about 3 or 4 I used to sleep in my moms bed with her. My dad uses to live outta town and would come to visit on the weekends. What would happen was, at night when I was asleep, I'd wake up terrified to the sound of my mom moaning. At only 3 yrs old, I didnt understand what was going on. I'd hear my mom making awful sounds with a dazed look on her face and my dad above her looking like he was hurting her. I'd cry and cry and yell for him to stop hurting my mom but of course he wouldn't listen. So I'd cry myself to sleep feeling so helpless and confused. Now that I'm older, I understand completely. And at times when ever the topic of my parents having sex comes up I get angry because of what I remember as a child. I'm 20 yrs old now and its really hard for me to show any type of respect towards either of my parents. I was never touched and never saw anything as far as body parts. But now that I understand what was really going on next to me as I slept in that bed, I can't help but wonder if that was some type of sexual or child abuse because whether or not a child understands at that very moment, sex just isn't something they should see or hear.

[Nighthawk61]

sounds like they made one mistake, in an otherwise good childhood? and good call Mandy876, it could well be that your parent's  inhibitions were down, maybe due to (hopefully) a drink (and not drugs).

this statement concerns me.// I'd cry and cry and yell for him to stop hurting my mom but of course he wouldn't listen.

most adults would listen, could it be that he didn't listen because he  couldn't hear you and you possibly made a mistake way back then about how you handled the situation? like maybe you wanted to cry out and beat him off your mom, but in fact didn't? A psychologist would be able to help you look at all the angles , maybe even take you back through hypnosis?

so, if you did in fact make a fuss, did they ever repeat the incident, or was it only the one time as far as you recollect? many parent's make the mistake of having their kids in their bed, when they shouldn't. and as Rock Rose said, this was simply a matter of necessity in past society.

if your parent's have otherwise been good and decent people, please try and talk to them so that they can help you to forgive them, and get to talking to a therapist anyways, so that you can deal with this issue at 20, and not strictly from your view as a child.

God bless you. .

[mickybob]

If the memory Hurts and affects you, then it can be called abuse , now your parents may have been dumb and didn't know the effect they were having on you in that case then they should be totally open to talking to you about it.
That would give you a great relieve, if not than find some one to talk to and get it out, but as loving parents they should be willing.
For me , once I remembered when I was about 2 or 3 there was bars around me, I w2as freaked out for a few weeks and talked to my Mom about it, She Smiled and said oh Son, when you were born we didn't have much money , your crib was lettuce crates, my Dad built it.
So it turned everything around.... Good luck
Ps but if it was done on porpoise for you or at you or any touching of you at the time .... then GO OFF

[mandy876]

i have heard of this happening before.  they were usually high on drugs.  but the child was little and was just watching and crying.  i would think this has to be child abuse.  i am sure that there was somewhere else they could go.  or put you on the sofa or something,  this is just not whatt parents ddo.  so wrong.  they could have at least told you what they were doing.  tell you about sex at that young age might be wrong too.  i am so sorry for you.  you have to find a way to put it in the past and go on with your life.  i know easier aidthan done.  but you deserve to have a life as close toormal as you can.  mandy876

[lynnsee]

I feel like I had been doing really well up until the holidays came around. I just havent felt like myself since and idk why.

[RockRose]

lynnsee,  honey,  looking through your profile and your posts you're having a LOT of issues right now that are causing you pain.  

Prayers for you that you can become stabilized.  It seems like you are really on the edge,  and at risk for making some life-changing decisions.

Best wishes sweetie -

[RockRose]

At first glance,  I thought GROSS.  But it's only recently that we've shielded children from being aware of adults having sex.  

I think everyone has been on those 4th grade field trips when you see a pioneer one room cabin that housed mom and dad and 8 kids.  Um.  All of them must have been aware of sex when it happened - and it happened a lot to produce the 8 kids.

It's kind of weird that your mother didn't make you sleep in a separate room like most parents do - but I recently read laws about exposing children to adult sexual activity and the law I read was written that it was only a crime if the parents purposely forced the kids to watch for their own sexual gratification.  

Obviously,  in many households parents are surprised and dismayed that a child has wandered into the room and is watching them accidentally.  

But I agree,  it's weird that they wouldn't stop having sex long enough to make you sleep in a different room.

Have you talked to your mom about this?  Were you  in fact,  unwilling to go to a different room and that's why she slept with you?

We're all mammals, is the thing,  and we're the only mammals who feel like we have to hide sex from anyone,  including the young.  All other mammals just do it and the young and non participants kind of look away.  

[ROSYouralright]

Hi! Here's the response I left you on your post over in the anxiety community!

2 minutes
..
It's very disturbing that your parents chose to have sex with you in the room & appalling that they did it with you in the bed! It was a very poor choice for them to make!! Was this a one time occurrence where you woke up and saw that?

Have you spoken to your mom/dad about this? If so, what did they say?
Maybe talking to your mom about it and telling her how your feeling will help you release the hurt & move forward...

I'm trying to think if it's considered"abuse." I thought maybe it would be be classified as child endangerment..  I'm just not sure what the"legal" classification would be..

So, legally, I'm not sure the classification but MORALLY & ETHICALLY, It was a horrid choice.

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree that isn't something a child should see and hear, and can't believe that with you right there crying and yelling for him to stop, they ever had sex again with you nearby.  I mean, there was probably always the living room, right?  At the very least, they were being extremely inconsiderate.

I don't know if it rises to the level of child abuse.  I would think the crying and feeling powerless to get him to stop would be more hard on you in the long term, than the adult realization of what they were doing.  In your shoes, I would get some therapy about how this has more or less contaminated your attitude about your parents.  It will probably help you not feel conflicted about sex, and about powerlessness, if you talk it over with someone now.