medical abuse

[1Moonbeam]

An RN physically abused my mother in a nursing home.  Then on the phone, she lied to me and to my sister about the necessity of surgery for my mother, and even told me that I could be arrested if I did not allow the surgery.  So I agreed to the surgery.  When I got to the hospital, the surgeon asked me not  to make him do this surgery, because it was only for the nursing staff's convenience.  I refused surgery for her, and she was sent back to the nursing home.  At that time, my husband, because of what was happeneing in the nursing home, tried to get my mother released.  The RN called the police, and told them that he never visited and had no right to try to take my mother out of there.  About that time, the widow of an ex-police chief, whom the officers knew (she was a patient there) came up the hall, called my husband by name and vouched for him.  So adult protective services was called in.  They took charge of my mother and moved her to another nursing home.  Shortly afterwards, my sister took charge of my mother and moved her to another state.
  
Apparently this incident was never investigated, because several years later, when I was in ICU in the hospital, unconscious for several days, that same RN was assigned to me.  My husband did not recognize her.  When I started coming around, my mental state was not so I could recognize her either, or defend myself.  I was there for acute hypercalcemia.  She asked me if I knew what had happened to me, and I told her no.  She told me that I had fallen and hit my head, which had caused me to have a concussion.  That had caused me to have seizures, which had caused me to have a stroke.  The whole left side of my body was in fact parylized at the time.  Then she asked me what my husband had done to me.  She went on to question me at length about his ever having hit me, and managed to actually give me false memories of terrible abuse at his hands.  But I did finally get to the place that I was able to tell her that I did not believe he had done anything to me, and she left me alone.  It seemed as if her interrogation had gone on for days.

She had fertile ground for convincing me of this because my first husband had in fact physically abused me.  In fact, many years after I escaped, he beat his own 76-year-old mother to death.

I did report her badgering me to the hospital, and was told that they would not have anybody on staff who had ever been investigated for abuse of any sort.  And they did not investigate then either.

3 years later, my husband was in ICU at the same hospital.  I walked in, and saw his nurse's name tag.  She has an unususal name.  I thought surely it's not possible that there are two RN's in a town this size with that name, so while she was bathing my husband, I made a comment that only my mother would ever have said.  The nurse laughed, and said "Oh, a little lady I used to take care of in the nursing home used to say that."  I said, "I know.  That was my mother."  At that point, I went to the charge nurse and told her to keep that woman away from us.  By the time I got back to his room, my husband had a different nurse.  For the rest of his stay, I only caught an occasional glimpse of the RN.

I reported the whole thing again to the hospital, but that woman is still there.  I have been back in ICU since then, and am not convinced that she was not assigned to me again.  This woman is frightening and dangerous, and this has been going on for more than 10 years.

Obviously I reported the whole thing to the police, when they were called to the nursing home, and to adult protective services.  Surely we are not the only ones who have been attacked by this woman.  Where else can we go?    

[AnnaE]

Moonbeam is in the UK, I believe.

Thanks for the detail, Moonbeam. I understood that this nurse was not advocatingfor you. Really terrible experiences for you and your mother and 2.As for 1 and his mother, I do not know what to say.

[Cherie762]

You as a patient have the legal right to refuse care from anyone you dont like or feel comfortable with. There are a lot of nurses in any hospital, odds are you would not get the same one. you have the right to ask for a different nurse.

[1Moonbeam]

Obviously I have not made myself clear.  My mother had Alzheimer's-like symptoms.  I was her primary care-giver for 13 years.  When I put her into a nursing home, I found that I could not see her there.  I would begin to hyper-ventilate just driving past the place.  My relationship with my mother had never, in my entire life, been good, but I willingly devoted that 13 years, while still caring for my own children, to caring for her, living in the same house with her.  I did it because my siblings would not.  I divorced my 2nd husband when I put Mother into the nursing home.  But my mother loved my 2nd husband, she wanted him to care for her, and 2 was willing to do that.  In the nursing home, mother refused to eat, unless 2 fed her.  And so he did, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.  Further, he brought what she wanted and liked to eat, and he got to know other patients there, supplying them with fruit, daily.  The RN reported mother's refusal to eat to the Dr. in spite of 2's presence and 2's feeding her.  The Dr., seldom if ever seeing Mother, ordered tube feedings.  After Mother had eaten a full meal for 2, RN would tube feed her, and Mother would vomit, from being over-fed.  Then Mother would pull the tube out, so she would be restrained.  Having a tube put in is not a pleasant experience.  After restraining her hands repeatedly, she pulled it out with her feet.  This went on for weeks, and nobody was reporting it to me.  RN knew that 2 was feeding her, but failed to report that to Dr.  This went on until RN called me and demanded that I allow them to implant a feeding tube directly into Mother's stomach through the abdominal wall.  And she insisted that I could be arrested if I did not allow it.  I could get no information from RN, not even that Mother was vomiting, and 2 never told me anything other than the fact that 2 had taken the restraints off.  I had had to restrain Mother at home on occasion, to keep her from getting out of bed during the night and falling.  2 never said anything about feeding tubes, only that he had fed her.  When RN demanded the surgery and threatened me, I called my one sister who would speak to me, for advice.  Sister is an LPN, in another state.  Sister talked to RN, and Sister okayed the surgery.  Obviously Sister did not understand that 2 was feeding Mother.  So Mother was sent to the hospital for surgery.  Mother was already prepped for surgery, but the surgeon refused to proceed without talking to me.  Surgeon said "Please don't make me do this."  I told him what RN had said, that it was the law, and he informed me that it was not.  So we sent Mother back to the nursing home without having the surgery.  When 2 learned of the situation, 2 went to the nursing home to take her out.  That's when the police were called and RN lied, saying that 2 had never been there at all.  Then the widow of the ex-police chief, also a patient, came down the hall, called 2 by name, and asked if he'd brought her anything today, proving to the police that 2 had in fact been there all along.  The police called Adult Protective Services.  APS took charge of Mother, since they could not release Mother to 2, especially since 2 was not married to me at the time.  APS moved Mother to a hospital in another city for evaluation, and then to another nursing home there.  2 continued to show up at her mealtimes to feed her, and they did ot tube feed her.  Sister was in another state, and petitioned APS to give Sister custody of Mother.  Sister moved Mother to her state, placed her in another nursing home there, and Sister's husband took over 2's feeding duties.  Mother lived for another two years there, and Sister was able to monitor her condition, which I had been unable to do.

It was after Mother's death that I landed in the hospital here, with hypercalcemia, and found RN taking care of me in ICU.  2 and I were again living together by then.  At the time that RN told me that I had fallen, had a concussion, seizures and a stroke, then asked me what 2 had done to me, and insisted that 2 was responsible for my condition, I had been there for a week, and the hospital knew perfectly well what was wrong with me, as did RN.  I understand full well that abused women don't want to accuse, but in this state, if there is any suspicion of abuse whatsoever, the police, and only the police are allowed to question a patient.  The nursing staff are forbidden to even mention it.  There was no suspicion of abuse whatsoever, and yet this woman managed to plant that suspicion in my mind.  Yes, I had fallen, and 2 had called an ambulance.  Yes, I had hit my head when I fell.  Yes, I had had a concussion from that, yes I had a couple of seizures, and yes, I had had a stroke.  But 2 did nothing to me.  

Nonetheless, my 1st husband had, all those years earlier.  And it was enough years earlier that there had been no laws in place against it.  1 was in the habit of beating me up any time 1 felt guilty about something - anything.  Three weeks after our second baby was born, 1 lost his job.  He spent his severence pay on an expensive camera for his new "hobby", spent two days and nights with his girlfriend, and came in without a cent, to find no food in the house and eviction notice, and it was my fault that I couldn't cook a meal for him.  He left me bleeding on the floor.  I got to the landlady and called the police.  They came, told me that "Sometimes you just have to stand up and take a good beating", and took my babies and me to an emergency shelter, which actually was a home for unwed mothers who already had children.  It was nineteen years after I escaped that 1 found me.  He was sure that I would leave 2 and our children (2 had legally adopted them) and go running back to 1 because 1 claimed to have "grown up".  When that didn't happen, he beat his mother to death.  And he got away with it.  He got away with it because she didn't die right then.  After spending six weeks in ICU, all they could get out of her was that she was afraid of him.  I lived half-way across the country, and they even called me, asking if I had any evidence that he was responsible.  Of course I had none, other than the fact that it was right after I had rejected him.  1's mother died right after that, of her injuries.

And so RN had fertile ground to accuse 2 in my mind.  I am more afraid of that woman than I ever was of 1.  But I have been unsuccessful in getting any investigation of her activities and treatment of patients, and I am in danger of landing in the hospital and having her assigned to me or to my husband at any time.  And what, pray tell, has RN managed to do to other patients over the years?  
    

[AnnaE]

In the first sentence,.make her a you and the she a you also. Sorry.

I understnad better. Your FIRST husband abused you and beat his mother, not your present one. You were married to the present one when you were in the hospital.
What difficult experiences.

[AnnaE]

You said the woman physically abused her mother, and that she was in the hospital for hypercalcemia. Also. in Your condition, seems like it was the wrong time for anyone who physically abused your mother to advocate for her.

What is alarming me, is that your husband beat his mother to death. I believe this needs more attention in you narrative. You need some support--here and elsewhere, I believe. Would you consider confiding in a progessional counselor?

I think that would support you and help you address your concerns about the nurse, and the harm done in these situations.

Please write back if you need to, and stress that you are seeking support and direction.