Parental Alienation Syntdrome

[barbie813]

10 years ago my children were kidnapped by my exhusband... he took them to the foothills of the Apalacian mountains in KY and isolated them... my son is now 22 and my daughter is 19.. they both exhibit risky behavoir... they both hate me and repeat back to me his lies... the stories are horrifying... his sisters husband was shot in his living room 9 times in the head... in front of his step daughter (20) and his two sons 12 and 10 and my ex sister in law... my daughter now has tatoos... sex with multiple partners... she said she decided at 10 she didn't have a mother and her father taught her how to have sex and how have oral sex, but he did not engage her in it... but he let her have a boyfriend live with her at 14... they live in a trailer with paper thin walls and I know he was listening to the statatory rape of our 14 year precious daughter... my son is disabled both mentally and released from the military for physical disablility... my ex and I have been divorsed for 20 years... he kidnapped my kids and emotionally crippled me for the last 10 years...now that they are grown they hate me... I am finally starting to recover... I need more operations on my leg and I got 2 jobs so I am starting recover financially... In the past I couldn't keep a job... I have picture of them on myspace drinking and smoking dope... it is sick... I don't know what to do at this point... my son is living with a girl who has a little 5 year old girl and my daughter just got a job... but her Father fixes her car instead of allowing her to take it to a mechanic and I am afraid it is going to break down on her some night... my son doesn't work at all... my daughter still lives at home in her fathers trailer... I have no relationship with my children and everytime I try to talk to them they say where were you?  and why didn't you give us money or child support and why did we have sores on us when we were little... Daddy told us what you did... he is a sick man and he has lied to these poor kids so bad... I don't know what to do at this point... I have been reporting this for 6 years to KY police and dfs...they do nothing... they can not prove a thing... she is identifying with her abuser... she says she loves him so much she is going to live with him and take care of him for the rest of her life...
so my questions are ... what do I do... and how do I keep this pervert from hurting my grandchildren... and how do I get my kids to know the truth... and get some psychological help??? and how do I regain a relationship with my children...

[barbie813]

I just pray that the fleas of a million camels invade his arm pits... lol no Im really fine... working 2 jobs... saving to buy a retirement condo... having a good ole time... I have been bracing myself for this for a long time... I won't send them money in fear they will kill them selves doing drugs or drinking... but I have a fund for them to get the mental health help they will need as they grow and thier brains develope and reasoning kicks in... my daughter I believe this will manifest itself in her 30 and it is not going to be pretty... she will have to face up to the bad decisions she is making now...some of them such as the tattoos and incurable stds will last her a life time if not kill her... my fund is mostly for their burial... they may not have lived with dignity but I will make sure that I can take care of my children no matter what the future brings us...

[barbie813]

Why isn't this guy in jail???  I don't know... but SE KY... watch your kids...

[kenneltech]

Well, I don't know how drastic you want to go.  You can hire an investigator (Private) to watch the goings on there and he can bring in a de-programmer to deprogram your kids (although this is expensive and quite stressful on them), but mostly, YOU NEED TO CALL THE KY POLICE and tell them you want them to do a "welfare check" on your grandchildren.  If the place is as bad as you say, they will do something about the conditions the kids are in.  They possibly will take the grandkids out of there.

You may not be able to do anything about your kids other than what I mentioned above as they are adults now, but you can get those grandkids out of there, is there a chance you could ask for custody if they do a welfare check and take them from the home?  You also really should hire an investigator, this could help along the way.

[Dazon50]

Keep documenting everything.  

Be careful though...if your ex knows you are on to him, he could be playing games to lure you in & make you look like you are an alarmist.  As sick as it sounds, some get off making sure you know the sorrid details to set you off.  Your mental health comes first in handling this & being there to help your children in what ways you can.

Educating yourself on the law wouldn't be such a bad idea.  With your children being of legal age, they have to want to get additional help to get out of the situations they are in.  It is sad that you have been put through so much over the years & felt so powerless.

[barbie813]

My ex husband started a myspace page Friday... his mood is high... the pictures they posted are horrify images of them sitting around the dilapitated trailer... getting high... like the circle on that seventies show... and his comment is **** happens... **** happens??? OK?  is this even for real... why is this guy not in jail... do the police even look at myspace??? I mean it is all on there... and the murders are also on the google... so what am I stupid... I have been reporting it for 6 years... these Kentucky cops won't believe me... they are the only ones who could help me and if they don't want to help me well then I don't know who can...

[allmymarbles]

Too bad hit men are illegal.

[barbie813]

Yes this situation is bad...there is so much more to the abuse than what I really know... My sons girlfriend told me on myspace that she too was abused by him... my son left for work and only her and my daughter were in the dilapitated trailer... and he flipped out on them and told them to clean the house... then he through the trash at her... (the girlfriend)... my son just told me he broke up with the "new" girl friend and is back home with his Dad... he said he want to come see us... (me, my mom, my oldest sister)... I have 4 sisters and 1 bro... 11 neices and nefews and 11 great neices and nefews... I m happy my children have not brought children too into this house... there are no other kids in the house....my children were isolated.  I know they are brain washed... I did write letters... to Governor ( both of them) Senators, Janet Reno, Charlie Crist, (his sister lives in Florida) she another story all together... she uses men to get drugs... she already has another boyfriend and the sheets aren't even cold... same man different face... her daughter now 20 was arrested last year for felony pill possesion... and that was 2 years after her Step Father was murdered next to her... they shot over her head... she was the one who let the killers in... I think it was murder for hire... the grandfather died the year before this, so the son in law (dead guy) was on drugs and he was taking all of her daughters (ex sister in law)  money left from the Grandfather... He had worked at Crysler in De... we had no attachment to Kentucky what so ever... he took my kids there on purpose because he must have known I would never find him and when I did it would be too late and that I wouldn't be able to get any help... I did go on and check and see if there were other case action law suits against DFS and KY and there are... it has to do with adoption... which brings me to another point I found out... my children were also placed in Foster care without my knowledge... back to my niece... she was in a junoir college for nursing AND on financial aide for 3 years... when she was arrested... she now is a convicted felon and has to pay back all her financial aide. Her Mother was seriously greedy and she is hurting now...she has 2 other sons that are 12 AND 13 they are already drinking and getting high... my daughter told me the 13 year old gets so drunk he pees in a bucket in his room instead of getting up.  It is a sick life... I work 2 jobs and I am a proud woman... this situation has effected me emotionally and mentally tortured me for a long time... it has affected the way I live my life... I don't trust easlily either, but my life has been blessed with a beautiful life and somehow through all this... even the beating I took from him... some how I am healthy... I don't know how and I think that part is a miracle... my ex had a triple bypass and stints put in heart and has had several heart attacks... my daughter has no health insurance and he drives her around from hospital to hospital to get pain killers for things like a stumped toe and stuff... I am on to him... you better bet cha... I am on to him... She is so completely abused by this man... she told me she wanted to take care of him forever... she told me she wants to inherit the trailer on this tiny little lot that floods... I mean.... I just need a break... I pray for to have mercy on these kids and bring them home to us... I think my daughter is like Jaycee Duggard and is identifying with her abuser... I think it is border line insest... I am working on my son right now... if I can get him out of there and down here straight and not on meth like he was the first time... I will be ok... I don't know what drugs he was on but he stayed with the dead drug dealer before he got here so I know he gave him something... This ex sister in law... hates me and always has... she looks my husband with ****... that is a pic of my daughter... I am older but I am just as pretty... you would n't expect this to be happening to a pretty little girl like this... but it did and it is going on right now... It would consume my life trying to fight and tell everyone what this nut has done over the past 6 years but it is so much it is crazy and I sound crazy talking about it... I would love for you all to see the pictures on myspace... she is public with this underage drinking.. getting high and there is a bong on the coffee table... some of the pictures go back to when she was 14... I ve had the cops out there a million time and he answers the door... in 10 years my kids have never talked to the cops with out present... he is thier father but also their abuser... who can fight that stuff... I can't force these cops to investigate this guy... He has a direct link to illegal pills, drug sales, and his sister is a nurse, who can get him all the pills in the world... please someone... help my poor little kids... I live on the beach in South Florida and I know this might not be the safest place on earth but it is beautiful here and we live happy healthy normal lives... and someone is always watching you... unlike KY...

[allmymarbles]

What is the statute of limitations on kidnapping? That might be one way to approach it.

[Dazon50]

My heart goes out to you.  You've got a lot to deal with here.  My suggestion is to take it slowly and let each of the children know that you are there to talk or help if they should need it.  It will require them giving you the chance for them to get to know you.  They appear to be brainwashed and having lived with their Dad day in/out, he influenced their thinking and way of seeing things.

I don't know if you have gone through explaining to them what happened from when he took them.  If you have proofs of having looked for them (detectives, law officers, etc.) I would make copies & be prepared to back up what you have said and gone through over the years.  Anything you may have done like keeping things of their as a way of holding on to them (may mean something to them when they are ready to listen).

It sounds like they are tough....lived a hard life so they probably don't trust a whole lot.  They are of age which means you cannot have them brought back by force.  I don't know how big your family is (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) but sometimes giving their names and numbers with their permission of course, brings a more neutral person who can represent you and fill in details if your children are interested.

Your goal is to build a relationship with them and hopefully if handled right, you will get that opportunity.  It sounds like you have listened to them to have the window into what their life was like.  Keeping the door open to questions that they will have (may not come all at once).  Perhaps at first they were striking out at you and maybe your ex encouraged them to so he could hurt you.  

For kidnapping them, he should have been punished.  This is maddening and heart-breaking for what it has done to you and denied them a mother's love to temper life's storms.  You need to keep your focus in the midst of this to stay healthy and maintain your financial stability and keep your sanity.

Please be careful for manipulations using guilt to try get to you.  I hope at some point you or someone else (family member) will be able to direct them towards seeing a therapist/counselor to help them with trauma and any other problem they have.

I hope other medhelp members who have dealt with this kind of situation will respond to share what worked for them in rebuilding a relationship.  In the mean time, don't give up hope.

Check out the Ask a Doctor Forums to see if there is one or more that might give you some ideas also.  

I so wish you the best in growing closer to your children and becoming an important part of their lives with their welcoming.

[chloe802]

I'm so sorry to hear this... Actually, my best friend is going through almost the same exzact thing!!! Take those pictures, go to child protective services, and because of their age, they might not be able to do much for them now- BUT- They can investigate your ex. If you know THIS much, imagine what you do not know... If their are any children in the house, they need to investigate. Social services, too. THEN- If the KY detectives are not helping, take all your information and go to FBI. Write President Obama... I know that sounds silly, but he DOES open up letters every night from the people of the US. Don't back down- even if you have to bring it to the press, call OPRAH, Crime fighters, Nancey Grace. Fight for these kids- They fave been brained washed. Call 20/20, nightline, dateline... SOMEBODY just somebody will be your angel and answer your prayers and help you...