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My husband is addicted to cocaine. How can I help him?
I have been married for 11 years. We have three children 11,10 and 4. I found out about his addiction about three years ago when he called me from jail at 4am to tell me he had gotten pulled over the night before and the police found cocaine in his vehicle. Ever since I found out he has been different. He can't keep a job so I am the sole provider of our family. When he is home he watches the kids, takes them to and from school. That's it. We constantly argue because he doesn't help around with the cleaning and cooking while I'm at work. I still have to come home and do it. After he has been home laying on the couch after he takes the kids to school. Recently we got into an argument over money that he took from our account to go get high. The argument escalated and he pushed me against the closet and I fell. I filled a police repor but didn't press charges. He left of course because he says his freedom is in danger if he stays with me. When he does something wrong, he turns it around and blames me. It's to the point where I feel it's my fault that he is an addict. I've never posted anything online before about my personal life but I am lost and desperate for any advice from someone that has or is going through a similar situation. I love my husband and it kills me to know that his addiction is snowballing. The road he is taking is leading him to disaster. It's so difficult because we have three children and he has forced me to chose between the wellbeing of the kids or him. He has been putting such a financial burden on our family with his addiction by money disappearing from our account that he can't account for to not contributing to any of our expenses. I could go on and on about what other things he has put me through... any comments would greatly be appreciated it. Thank you
Hi Jade. I agree with Strongerone. Your husband currently is being enabled to use, while your kids are learning that it's okay to be a drop out dead beat. How did you get the kids off to school before he lost his job? The way you can help your husband is to talk to an Addictions Therapist yourself. Find out about cocaine addiction and how it best dealt with. Look at all the options available. There is outpatient treatment (day rehab) that lasts usually for 30 days followed by weekly alumni meetings where drug testing is mandatory. There is 30 60 or 90 day residential rehabs, again usually with a year of weekly meetings with the group and a counselor. You have to decide what you think would be best for your family, and with the help of your Addictions Therapist meet with your husband and give him the details. As an addict and a mother, i think it is very important for your kids to have their say to their dad. I think it's beneficial for them to be aware that their dad has health issues and allow his kids to ask him to please go and do what he must so that he's can be a healthy dad. You can talk to your therapist about how to have your kids let him know that he's not in a bubble and his kids too are holding him accountable for his issues.
There is a chance that he will grab on and use the help that's out there, and there's a chance that he will not be able to do that at this time. That is his choice. You on the other hand, have no choice but to do what is right for your family. To put an end to an open ended date with addiction. Your enabling him and making it easy for him to drop out will not be appreciated when he finally gets clean. He will however appreciate your finding out the best way to handle the problem of addiction, and steadfastly follow its demands. No addict ever thanks a person enabling them to kill themselves, especially when it is only a moment away to talk to the right people to help.
I'm sorry your life has been touched in such a perverse way after having 3 kids and betting on your marriage to raise them right. There's a group called Alanon, that might be helpful to you. It might help you to get out and talk to other adults in the same situation. It will help you to stick to your guns, and it will help you to help others. It's a win win situation. Alanon coupled with an Addictions Therapist is you now holding a stacked hand.
There are many addicts that go on for years chasing that first high from crack. It is only you and your support system that will end your involvement in that scenario. An addict can and will go to any lengths to achieve sobriety if they want it. A man who has young children at home that need him have every incentive to feel that sobriety is the best option for them. As an active addict, i went from living on the streets, doing crack and contemplating suicide to getting a 12 hour a day job at an auto manufacturing plant, buying a house, waiting and getting my license back, buying a car, and self prescribing blood/urine testing every second day for two years , to regain custody of my son. Same drug as your husband. He's able to move mountains. The key is for you to know that and expect that from him. Low expectations is what kills addicts So please, find the right Addictions Therapist and start the process of Addiction Recovery now. You will no longer be alone. You have our full attention and we're in this for the long run. Please rest easier, you have begun the process of getting addiction out of your life by reaching out and sharing your truth. Congratulations for that. it's an important day for you and the kids. You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers from this day on. Please, let us know how you're feeling today? Liz
There is a chance that he will grab on and use the help that's out there, and there's a chance that he will not be able to do that at this time. That is his choice. You on the other hand, have no choice but to do what is right for your family. To put an end to an open ended date with addiction. Your enabling him and making it easy for him to drop out will not be appreciated when he finally gets clean. He will however appreciate your finding out the best way to handle the problem of addiction, and steadfastly follow its demands. No addict ever thanks a person enabling them to kill themselves, especially when it is only a moment away to talk to the right people to help.
I'm sorry your life has been touched in such a perverse way after having 3 kids and betting on your marriage to raise them right. There's a group called Alanon, that might be helpful to you. It might help you to get out and talk to other adults in the same situation. It will help you to stick to your guns, and it will help you to help others. It's a win win situation. Alanon coupled with an Addictions Therapist is you now holding a stacked hand.
There are many addicts that go on for years chasing that first high from crack. It is only you and your support system that will end your involvement in that scenario. An addict can and will go to any lengths to achieve sobriety if they want it. A man who has young children at home that need him have every incentive to feel that sobriety is the best option for them. As an active addict, i went from living on the streets, doing crack and contemplating suicide to getting a 12 hour a day job at an auto manufacturing plant, buying a house, waiting and getting my license back, buying a car, and self prescribing blood/urine testing every second day for two years , to regain custody of my son. Same drug as your husband. He's able to move mountains. The key is for you to know that and expect that from him. Low expectations is what kills addicts So please, find the right Addictions Therapist and start the process of Addiction Recovery now. You will no longer be alone. You have our full attention and we're in this for the long run. Please rest easier, you have begun the process of getting addiction out of your life by reaching out and sharing your truth. Congratulations for that. it's an important day for you and the kids. You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers from this day on. Please, let us know how you're feeling today? Liz
Jade,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation but so glad you have found this site. There are some wonderful people here who have lived the pain of an addicted loved one. We have all walked down this path. The details may be somewhat different but, trust me, the underlying story is the same one of pain, sadness and heartbreak.
My addicted loved one is my adult son who is finally clean for 9+ months now. We struggled with him for 5+ years and the emotional, mental and financial costs were devastating. I have lived your pain.
First of all, I can tell that you are a very strong woman because you were willing to call the authorities when your husband pushed you. I know how hard that must have been for you but you have already shown him where you are drawing the line and that is huge. I was such an enabler that I didn't have the strength to draw any boundaries for way too long. So the first lesson of setting boundaries you have already excelled at!
Next, you are strong enough to know that you and your very young children must be protected and prioritized in this situation. When in doubt, that is what you circle back to and protect above all.
Has your husband sought treatment or is he in denial about the situation? If you have insurance coverage, that would be the next step that he must take...get into some type of treatment program. If he isn't working, that should be mandatory in order for you to allow him to be in the home.
Let me be clear. This is his addiction to tackle and he must be willing to do so or it won't stick. Has he shown a willingness to address his addiction? If so, that would be very positive.
I am hoping that you have family in the area because you need support and help with your children as you are under tremendous stress. What are your feelings about asking him to leave until he is committed to a program? Does he have a family member he can live with or a friend?
I finally forced my son to leave my home and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took him about 9 months before he realized that he couldn't take it any longer. His addiction is opiates and he was arrested several times while he was bouncing around basically homeless. It was painful for him and for us but unfortunately that is where most addicts have to get to before they wake up and realize they are ruining their lives and the lives of their family. I tell you this because we have no control over their addiction and if they aren't determined to beat it, it is a long road that takes them down low but it can drag you down too. Please don't make the mistakes I did. I fought too long and enabled far too long. I just couldn't cut him loose. I was determined to fix him. I was becoming so obsessed that my life was getting very small...it was all I thought about day and night. I couldn't sleep and I became so withdrawn. Don't let this take you that low. You have 3 precious children that need a normal and supportive mother.
Please stay on here with us. We will walk beside you. Let me know how you are doing today.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation but so glad you have found this site. There are some wonderful people here who have lived the pain of an addicted loved one. We have all walked down this path. The details may be somewhat different but, trust me, the underlying story is the same one of pain, sadness and heartbreak.
My addicted loved one is my adult son who is finally clean for 9+ months now. We struggled with him for 5+ years and the emotional, mental and financial costs were devastating. I have lived your pain.
First of all, I can tell that you are a very strong woman because you were willing to call the authorities when your husband pushed you. I know how hard that must have been for you but you have already shown him where you are drawing the line and that is huge. I was such an enabler that I didn't have the strength to draw any boundaries for way too long. So the first lesson of setting boundaries you have already excelled at!
Next, you are strong enough to know that you and your very young children must be protected and prioritized in this situation. When in doubt, that is what you circle back to and protect above all.
Has your husband sought treatment or is he in denial about the situation? If you have insurance coverage, that would be the next step that he must take...get into some type of treatment program. If he isn't working, that should be mandatory in order for you to allow him to be in the home.
Let me be clear. This is his addiction to tackle and he must be willing to do so or it won't stick. Has he shown a willingness to address his addiction? If so, that would be very positive.
I am hoping that you have family in the area because you need support and help with your children as you are under tremendous stress. What are your feelings about asking him to leave until he is committed to a program? Does he have a family member he can live with or a friend?
I finally forced my son to leave my home and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took him about 9 months before he realized that he couldn't take it any longer. His addiction is opiates and he was arrested several times while he was bouncing around basically homeless. It was painful for him and for us but unfortunately that is where most addicts have to get to before they wake up and realize they are ruining their lives and the lives of their family. I tell you this because we have no control over their addiction and if they aren't determined to beat it, it is a long road that takes them down low but it can drag you down too. Please don't make the mistakes I did. I fought too long and enabled far too long. I just couldn't cut him loose. I was determined to fix him. I was becoming so obsessed that my life was getting very small...it was all I thought about day and night. I couldn't sleep and I became so withdrawn. Don't let this take you that low. You have 3 precious children that need a normal and supportive mother.
Please stay on here with us. We will walk beside you. Let me know how you are doing today.
Jade,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation but so glad you have found this site. There are some wonderful people here who have lived the pain of an addicted loved one. We have all walked down this path. The details may be somewhat different but, trust me, the underlying story is the same one of pain, sadness and heartbreak.
My addicted loved one is my adult son who is finally clean for 9+ months now. We struggled with him for 5+ years and the emotional, mental and financial costs were devastating. I have lived your pain.
First of all, I can tell that you are a very strong woman because you were willing to call the authorities when your husband pushed you. I know how hard that must have been for you but you have already shown him where you are drawing the line and that is huge. I was such an enabler that I didn't have the strength to draw any boundaries for way too long. So the first lesson of setting boundaries you have already excelled at!
Next, you are strong enough to know that you and your very young children must be protected and prioritized in this situation. When in doubt, that is what you circle back to and protect above all.
Has your husband sought treatment or is he in denial about the situation? If you have insurance coverage, that would be the next step that he must take...get into some type of treatment program. If he isn't working, that should be mandatory in order for you to allow him to be in the home.
Let me be clear. This is his addiction to tackle and he must be willing to do so or it won't stick. Has he shown a willingness to address his addiction? If so, that would be very positive.
I am hoping that you have family in the area because you need support and help with your children as you are under tremendous stress. What are your feelings about asking him to leave until he is committed to a program? Does he have a family member he can live with or a friend?
I finally forced my son to leave my home and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took him about 9 months before he realized that he couldn't take it any longer. His addiction is opiates and he was arrested several times while he was bouncing around basically homeless. It was painful for him and for us but unfortunately that is where most addicts have to get to before they wake up and realize they are ruining their lives and the lives of their family. I tell you this because we have no control over their addiction and if they aren't determined to beat it, it is a long road that takes them down low but it can drag you down too. Please don't make the mistakes I did. I fought too long and enabled far too long. I just couldn't cut him loose. I was determined to fix him. I was becoming so obsessed that my life was getting very small...it was all I thought about day and night. I couldn't sleep and I became so withdrawn. Don't let this take you that low. You have 3 precious children that need a normal and supportive mother.
Please stay on here with us. We will walk beside you. Let me know how you are doing today.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation but so glad you have found this site. There are some wonderful people here who have lived the pain of an addicted loved one. We have all walked down this path. The details may be somewhat different but, trust me, the underlying story is the same one of pain, sadness and heartbreak.
My addicted loved one is my adult son who is finally clean for 9+ months now. We struggled with him for 5+ years and the emotional, mental and financial costs were devastating. I have lived your pain.
First of all, I can tell that you are a very strong woman because you were willing to call the authorities when your husband pushed you. I know how hard that must have been for you but you have already shown him where you are drawing the line and that is huge. I was such an enabler that I didn't have the strength to draw any boundaries for way too long. So the first lesson of setting boundaries you have already excelled at!
Next, you are strong enough to know that you and your very young children must be protected and prioritized in this situation. When in doubt, that is what you circle back to and protect above all.
Has your husband sought treatment or is he in denial about the situation? If you have insurance coverage, that would be the next step that he must take...get into some type of treatment program. If he isn't working, that should be mandatory in order for you to allow him to be in the home.
Let me be clear. This is his addiction to tackle and he must be willing to do so or it won't stick. Has he shown a willingness to address his addiction? If so, that would be very positive.
I am hoping that you have family in the area because you need support and help with your children as you are under tremendous stress. What are your feelings about asking him to leave until he is committed to a program? Does he have a family member he can live with or a friend?
I finally forced my son to leave my home and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took him about 9 months before he realized that he couldn't take it any longer. His addiction is opiates and he was arrested several times while he was bouncing around basically homeless. It was painful for him and for us but unfortunately that is where most addicts have to get to before they wake up and realize they are ruining their lives and the lives of their family. I tell you this because we have no control over their addiction and if they aren't determined to beat it, it is a long road that takes them down low but it can drag you down too. Please don't make the mistakes I did. I fought too long and enabled far too long. I just couldn't cut him loose. I was determined to fix him. I was becoming so obsessed that my life was getting very small...it was all I thought about day and night. I couldn't sleep and I became so withdrawn. Don't let this take you that low. You have 3 precious children that need a normal and supportive mother.
Please stay on here with us. We will walk beside you. Let me know how you are doing today.
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