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Support Forums for Spouses of Addicts
Does anyone know of a good online support forum for spouses of Addicts, preferably prescription pill addicts. I want to talk to others who are affected by wives or husbands who are abusing ... so that I don't feel alone. My wife is a long time abuser. I've come to realized that I'm am powerless, a meager blip on the radar that sweeps ever so cunningly for its next fix. It is obvious that nothing else is as important as hydrocodone - I don't even know who she is anymore. I work hard for our family and a good portion of the proceeds I provide are pissed away so that she can spend her time high as a kite in our bedroom that has affectively become her lair. I cannot fathom the pursuit to waste away in such wretched state. The compulsion draws lies and deceit that transcend the insult of infidelity. Does anyone else feel as cheated and offended as me? I wonder...
Hello again - you are so sweet, how nice to hear from you. It is kind of interesting isn't it that I'm talking to the hopeful future version of my wife ;). So you see you give me hope and as it sounds, I'm helping you a bit - I see this is a 'truly amazing place'...at this point, actually it should be my wife who's thanking you. This morning I found a stash of empty containers - in all what added up to 3,000 pills all consumed within the last 3 months - the thoughts that go through your head...bewilderment, amazement...disappointment. I'm digressing, the point being that after chatting with you, I'm more hopeful now so thank you.
I'll be interested to continue hearing from you and interested to hear that you can eventually go beyond breaking the habit and taking it to the next level where you can forgive yourself. Like I said there is nothing to do for him to make up or cancel out the past. You live the future to the fullest - recognize yourself and love yourself first so that others (husband) can recognize and love you back ;)
I'll be interested to continue hearing from you and interested to hear that you can eventually go beyond breaking the habit and taking it to the next level where you can forgive yourself. Like I said there is nothing to do for him to make up or cancel out the past. You live the future to the fullest - recognize yourself and love yourself first so that others (husband) can recognize and love you back ;)
Is your wife currently using? Has she ever had much clean time under her belt during her past attempts of sobriety?
The reason I ask is that she can't do this on her own. You can't help her do this on her own. It takes so much more than that. There are quite a few people here with significant clean time under their belts. I myself have been clean for about 10 months or so. Although it's not all that much time I know I'm well on my way to having many years of sobriety.
I first started taking pain meds due to injuring my back in Iraq while serving in the Marine Corps. For the first year I never took more than prescribed and only took that as needed for pain. I ended up having surgery, the pain went away and I had no problem putting them down. I did have withdrawals but I got through them just fine. I later found out that it's not the physical part that is difficult but the mental aspect of it. Long story short I ended up back on the pain meds due to scar tissue from the surgery causing more pain. This later led to me abusing the pills.
For the next few years I tried to quit many times. Some of those times I would make it a month and other times I would make it a day or two. I kept going through the same routine expecting different results. I finally realized that what I was doing was not working. I finally took the advice of some of the wonderful people on this forum and started attending NA meetings and an addiction therapist. I finally learned the tools I needed to stay in recovery and am still learning new tools to use everyday.
Your wife has to want to quit for herself before she will ever be successful. I'm sure you already know this but there is nothing you can say or do to make her want to quit. For many it takes hitting their rock bottom. The tough part about this is figuring out what her rock bottom is. For some it's as simple as the spouse telling them to stop. Some feel enough guilt that they were caught using and that's all it takes to put them down. For others it takes losing their house, car, job, marriage, family, friends or for some death is their only rock bottom. It can be such a tricky situation on how to go about talking to someone about their addiction. It can be so hard to show them you love them yet be firm enough to make them realize what they are doing to themself and the people around them. More than likely she is filled with guilt and remorse but it takes more than that to quit. It takes hitting their rock bottom. Depending on how long this has been going on it may be time for an ultimatum. You may have to speed up the time it takes for her to reach her rock bottom. One thing you may want to try is by cutting off all of her funds. This means taking her name off of the bank accounts and freezing credit cards. The problem with this is some addicts will do anything and everything to get their pills which can lead to crime. Some will go to extremes to get pills and some won't. It's going to take a lot of soul searching on your part to come up with the plan that you think will work best. Have you considered contacting an interventionist? They would be able to sit down with you and come up with a good plan. One thing they will mention is enabling. There can be such a fine line between support and enabling. I'm gonna use the money thing again as an example of enabling. If you know she is buying pills you are enabling by letting her have access to money. There are many other ways that can make us enablers and that's why it's best to seek outside help.
Gizzy above mentioned Al Anon meetings. They will help you so much. You will meet others that are in your shoes and the support will be tremendous. You will also get ideas on how to help your wife. Definitely check into them.
Do you think you could get your wife to come to this forum and post? Many people here will agree that we wouldn't have been able to get clean without all of the help of this forum. This forum is a wonderful place full of wonderful people. I know you mentioned that your wife is a pretty private person but maybe the fact that she would be talking with a bunch of people she doesn't know personally will be enough to get her to come on here. Nobody here judges so she doesn't have to worry about being put down. It's a place where she can come and talk to people that understand exactly what she is going through because most of us have been there or are there as we speak.
The main thing is to try and get her to start some meetings, go to an addiction therapist, or if funds allow get her into treatment. Some can't do it on their own even with meetings or a therapist. Some need inpatient rehab. Either way she needs to learn the tools in order to achieve sobriety. Once she learns these tools she can then start working on her recovery which in turn will allow you too also. Addiction isn't just affecting her whether she thinks that or not. It's a family disease and will take teamwork even years down the road.
I wish you the best of luck with this battle you are going through right now. Please stick around and post whenever you feel the need. You will learn so much reading through the many posts on here. Arm yourself with knowledge about addiction. Doing so will up the odds of getting your wife the help she needs.
Let her know about us here. We will do all we can to help the both of you.
Brian
The reason I ask is that she can't do this on her own. You can't help her do this on her own. It takes so much more than that. There are quite a few people here with significant clean time under their belts. I myself have been clean for about 10 months or so. Although it's not all that much time I know I'm well on my way to having many years of sobriety.
I first started taking pain meds due to injuring my back in Iraq while serving in the Marine Corps. For the first year I never took more than prescribed and only took that as needed for pain. I ended up having surgery, the pain went away and I had no problem putting them down. I did have withdrawals but I got through them just fine. I later found out that it's not the physical part that is difficult but the mental aspect of it. Long story short I ended up back on the pain meds due to scar tissue from the surgery causing more pain. This later led to me abusing the pills.
For the next few years I tried to quit many times. Some of those times I would make it a month and other times I would make it a day or two. I kept going through the same routine expecting different results. I finally realized that what I was doing was not working. I finally took the advice of some of the wonderful people on this forum and started attending NA meetings and an addiction therapist. I finally learned the tools I needed to stay in recovery and am still learning new tools to use everyday.
Your wife has to want to quit for herself before she will ever be successful. I'm sure you already know this but there is nothing you can say or do to make her want to quit. For many it takes hitting their rock bottom. The tough part about this is figuring out what her rock bottom is. For some it's as simple as the spouse telling them to stop. Some feel enough guilt that they were caught using and that's all it takes to put them down. For others it takes losing their house, car, job, marriage, family, friends or for some death is their only rock bottom. It can be such a tricky situation on how to go about talking to someone about their addiction. It can be so hard to show them you love them yet be firm enough to make them realize what they are doing to themself and the people around them. More than likely she is filled with guilt and remorse but it takes more than that to quit. It takes hitting their rock bottom. Depending on how long this has been going on it may be time for an ultimatum. You may have to speed up the time it takes for her to reach her rock bottom. One thing you may want to try is by cutting off all of her funds. This means taking her name off of the bank accounts and freezing credit cards. The problem with this is some addicts will do anything and everything to get their pills which can lead to crime. Some will go to extremes to get pills and some won't. It's going to take a lot of soul searching on your part to come up with the plan that you think will work best. Have you considered contacting an interventionist? They would be able to sit down with you and come up with a good plan. One thing they will mention is enabling. There can be such a fine line between support and enabling. I'm gonna use the money thing again as an example of enabling. If you know she is buying pills you are enabling by letting her have access to money. There are many other ways that can make us enablers and that's why it's best to seek outside help.
Gizzy above mentioned Al Anon meetings. They will help you so much. You will meet others that are in your shoes and the support will be tremendous. You will also get ideas on how to help your wife. Definitely check into them.
Do you think you could get your wife to come to this forum and post? Many people here will agree that we wouldn't have been able to get clean without all of the help of this forum. This forum is a wonderful place full of wonderful people. I know you mentioned that your wife is a pretty private person but maybe the fact that she would be talking with a bunch of people she doesn't know personally will be enough to get her to come on here. Nobody here judges so she doesn't have to worry about being put down. It's a place where she can come and talk to people that understand exactly what she is going through because most of us have been there or are there as we speak.
The main thing is to try and get her to start some meetings, go to an addiction therapist, or if funds allow get her into treatment. Some can't do it on their own even with meetings or a therapist. Some need inpatient rehab. Either way she needs to learn the tools in order to achieve sobriety. Once she learns these tools she can then start working on her recovery which in turn will allow you too also. Addiction isn't just affecting her whether she thinks that or not. It's a family disease and will take teamwork even years down the road.
I wish you the best of luck with this battle you are going through right now. Please stick around and post whenever you feel the need. You will learn so much reading through the many posts on here. Arm yourself with knowledge about addiction. Doing so will up the odds of getting your wife the help she needs.
Let her know about us here. We will do all we can to help the both of you.
Brian
hi you will find a lot of support for spouses on this sight we have several regulars our membership is got a wide variety of people mothers fathers husbands wife's all looking for help it also go that you take some time and use this site to learn about addiction and the struggles with it so you can help your wife you may want to introduce here to our site
she wont feel so all alone.................Gnarly
she wont feel so all alone.................Gnarly
I just wanted to see how you were doing tonight? Your most recent post made me think of something.
During my early days of withdrawal, we just happened to have scheduled our "spring clean up". No, it wasn't actually spring - it was months later. But we had scheduled and paid for an actual dumpster to be brought on our property and had to make good use of this time (actually we ended up needing two dumpsters - YIKES).
During the clean-up process, one of the areas I was supposed to focus on was my personal bedroom closet. Now granted, I felt like I was not in the right place to tackle such a project, but that stupid dumpster was booked, in place, and I had no choice.
When I started to go through my things to determine what could be thrown out or given to charity, I couldn't believe my eyes. I must have found 100+ prescription bottles thrown about everywhere - in shoes, coat pockets, shoe boxes, boots, laundry basket. UNBELIEVABLE. I was never more ashamed of myself in my entire life. My husband had given me a smaller garbage container to use before he had to carry it out to the dumpster. So there was no way he wasn't going to see what I was throwing away as he dumped out the containers, one by one. And the only thing I really remember about these moments was the silence. The deafening silence. He did not say a word.
When he got out to the dumpster and tipped the smaller garbage container, you could hear the "pings and pangs" of the bottles hitting the side of the dumpster. Let me tell you, it was surreal, watching all of those bottles flying all over the place. I simply looked, turned away and walked back into the house. He never brought it up with me after that. Never.
I can't imagine what he must of been thinking, looking at all those bottles that stole his wife away. But after hearing your words, I will not let myself dwell on those moments. I will never forget them, mind you, but I will not dwell on them. I'm going to keep going and appreciate the here and now. That's all we've got right? May as well make the best of them.
I wondered if you have you thought yet about talking to her about all of this? I remember you said she was an extremely private woman. So am I (another thing she and I have in common). Which is why this place has meant so much to me. I can come here, vent and get all kinds of great advice and information, and still maintain anonymity. I do think this place would be good for her, but I also remember where I was at when I was still using. It took me weeks to get here. I just couldn't summon up enough courage to post, but let me tell you, I did read. And read. And then read some more. Getting all of the information about my DOC and reading others success stories has played a HUGE role in where I'm at today. She doesn't have to post right away because I didn't, but she can begin with really small steps, like I did. Just a thought.
And thank you again - and I won't repeat why because you already know. :)
During my early days of withdrawal, we just happened to have scheduled our "spring clean up". No, it wasn't actually spring - it was months later. But we had scheduled and paid for an actual dumpster to be brought on our property and had to make good use of this time (actually we ended up needing two dumpsters - YIKES).
During the clean-up process, one of the areas I was supposed to focus on was my personal bedroom closet. Now granted, I felt like I was not in the right place to tackle such a project, but that stupid dumpster was booked, in place, and I had no choice.
When I started to go through my things to determine what could be thrown out or given to charity, I couldn't believe my eyes. I must have found 100+ prescription bottles thrown about everywhere - in shoes, coat pockets, shoe boxes, boots, laundry basket. UNBELIEVABLE. I was never more ashamed of myself in my entire life. My husband had given me a smaller garbage container to use before he had to carry it out to the dumpster. So there was no way he wasn't going to see what I was throwing away as he dumped out the containers, one by one. And the only thing I really remember about these moments was the silence. The deafening silence. He did not say a word.
When he got out to the dumpster and tipped the smaller garbage container, you could hear the "pings and pangs" of the bottles hitting the side of the dumpster. Let me tell you, it was surreal, watching all of those bottles flying all over the place. I simply looked, turned away and walked back into the house. He never brought it up with me after that. Never.
I can't imagine what he must of been thinking, looking at all those bottles that stole his wife away. But after hearing your words, I will not let myself dwell on those moments. I will never forget them, mind you, but I will not dwell on them. I'm going to keep going and appreciate the here and now. That's all we've got right? May as well make the best of them.
I wondered if you have you thought yet about talking to her about all of this? I remember you said she was an extremely private woman. So am I (another thing she and I have in common). Which is why this place has meant so much to me. I can come here, vent and get all kinds of great advice and information, and still maintain anonymity. I do think this place would be good for her, but I also remember where I was at when I was still using. It took me weeks to get here. I just couldn't summon up enough courage to post, but let me tell you, I did read. And read. And then read some more. Getting all of the information about my DOC and reading others success stories has played a HUGE role in where I'm at today. She doesn't have to post right away because I didn't, but she can begin with really small steps, like I did. Just a thought.
And thank you again - and I won't repeat why because you already know. :)
i am so happy i found this post! i have been wondering if there was any kind of forum for spouses also. my boyfried is addicted to pain pills and it's always a losing battle for me. i constantly have it on my mind and i can't wait for the day that he's clean. i could sit here and read everyone's post all day long. i still have faith that he will quit one day, i just want it to be sooner rather than later.
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HOLD FAITH!! because I NEVER thought that my husband would admit his problem passed his pride! But God had a bigger plan. My husband is currently in rehab. I remember the long nights I would wait up because he wouldn't come home wondering if he was alive, high, or what kind of mood he was in. I would cry myself to sleep. I thought WHY GOD JUST WHY, EVERYDAY. I prayed for a breaking point, and I promise that losing battle can have a winning war and that is the faith I hold in my husbands recovery!
Hi bmdad and (gnarly_1), thanks for your wonderful lengthy post. Before anything else, please let me commend you for your service in the marines. This also puts into perspective that anyone is vulnerable even soldier. I remember my dentist telling me about how Sodium Pentathol (general anesthetic) will take down even a 300 lb brute - so it just goes to show how powerful narcotics really are.
I agree with you in that she needs help and cannot do it alone. I would love to get her on this site, it's just a matter of how to go about doing it. A few things have to happen first. Number one is I need to take some time to prepare myself to put some of the anger aside - I sometimes can barely take in the reality that she has stolen vacations from her family by choosing to take her own and that can at times be infuriating. I'm also mad at myself for being too passive and let it happen. It is like a catch 22, confrontation could lead to hostility from her - being a naturally combative and controlling person, she is difficult to approach and it takes finesse. And so, choosing to not act then enables the problem. It is insidious. Then as I digest these facts, I come back in circles of anger towards her for being the puppeteer of this madness. It is hell.
So the only option as you've pointed out is to be the agent of change. My coming here is the beginning I think. I will have to mediate on the strategy though...
Thanks for your support and candor about your situation. It's nice to know that you are out there looking out for others ;)
I agree with you in that she needs help and cannot do it alone. I would love to get her on this site, it's just a matter of how to go about doing it. A few things have to happen first. Number one is I need to take some time to prepare myself to put some of the anger aside - I sometimes can barely take in the reality that she has stolen vacations from her family by choosing to take her own and that can at times be infuriating. I'm also mad at myself for being too passive and let it happen. It is like a catch 22, confrontation could lead to hostility from her - being a naturally combative and controlling person, she is difficult to approach and it takes finesse. And so, choosing to not act then enables the problem. It is insidious. Then as I digest these facts, I come back in circles of anger towards her for being the puppeteer of this madness. It is hell.
So the only option as you've pointed out is to be the agent of change. My coming here is the beginning I think. I will have to mediate on the strategy though...
Thanks for your support and candor about your situation. It's nice to know that you are out there looking out for others ;)
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