Support Forums for Spouses of Addicts

[Hagendaaz]

Does anyone know of a good online support forum for spouses of Addicts, preferably prescription pill addicts.  I want to talk to others who are affected by wives or husbands who are abusing ... so that I don't feel alone.  My wife is a long time abuser.  I've come to realized that I'm am powerless, a meager blip on the radar that sweeps ever so cunningly for its next fix.  It is obvious that nothing else is as important as hydrocodone - I don't even know who she is anymore.  I work hard for our family and a good portion of the proceeds I provide are pissed away so that she can spend her time high as a kite in our bedroom that has affectively become her lair.   I cannot fathom the pursuit to waste away in such wretched state.  The compulsion draws lies and deceit that transcend the insult of infidelity.  Does anyone else feel as cheated and offended as me?  I wonder...

[diva1957]

This is terrible, maps. I feel for you. I'm in the process of removing myself from a similar situation before everything is stolen from me. You've just paid for a very expensive lesson and you are ready to heal and move on. Consider the addict dead, but don't hate on the addict. Go to therapy and take care of yourself. Next time you go into a relationship have a series of questions to ask. Yes, conduct an interview as you would when hiring an employee.  

[maps123]

How do you pick up the pieces of your life when you've been stolen from, lied to and hurt by an addict? I've done what I can to support them and be kind, loving, and forgiving. They're in meetings and making excellent progress, but my heart is so wounded I don't know how to heal. My trust is shattered. The life I built with this person was my second chance, as I am a divorcee. And now I'm faced with this. I've spent nearly two years in this life, and found out that I was robbed of my life savings slowly by the addict. I'm so lost. I feel more alone than ever, and I seriously don't know how to cope.

[storyzhanmai]

I need some advice..

My husband is an alcoholic/addicted to pain pills.  He got hooked on pain pills after his back surgery.  He's been addicted to alcohol for a long time, but since he's been on pain pills, his alcoholism has increased.  His inhibitions are lowered, so he has begun drinking more.  

My feelings for my husband fluctuate with every passing day.  For many years I didn't know it was such an issue.  I'm very naive.  Today I decided to search for advice on how I can help him recover, because I never know how I should act, and I worry that I'm an enabler.  I have a very passive personality, which leads me to ignore the situation instead of communicating with him.  I hate confrontations.

2 weeks ago, I had enough courage to speak, (due to getting really angry with him after a drunken/high episode, when I was very sick) about his issues.  I've spoken up before, but this time it was different.  I talked about how I needed that to be his rock bottom.  He handled it better than he ever had before.  We started communicating about it every day, and he stayed sober for two weeks.  He turned his prescribed pain pills over to me, to monitor his intake, asked me to hide them, or keep them away from the house.  He asked me to ask him if he had any hidden, etc, to force him to be honest.  So when he asked me this morning to bring home 14 pills from his bottle to last him the weekend, and a look of consternation came over my face, and he immediately got angry with me because he felt like he was being honest and I should trust him, I didn't know what to say.  Then later today when he texted me and said "sorry, but he needed to drink tonight, don't be mad" and I tried to text him encouragement to stay sober, and he said "don't make me feel worse about it" I got very angry.
So, as I sit here typing, he is in the other room.  He's had a bottle of wine.  I've seen him searching my car for more pills.  I think he's taking some of his other prescribed meds (for depression, anxiety) since he can't find the pain pills.  

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  He's gone to a few al anon meetings.  I don't feel like he is getting the full benefit.  
My main question is: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT IN ORDER TO HELP HIM?  It is always a possibility that he will get suicidal.  He's been saying lately, "if anything ever happens to me, just know that there is nothing anybody could have said.  it's just who I am."  When I press him to talk more about that, he promises that he has no plans of suicide.  I encourage him to go to meetings.  And his psychiatrist.  But I don't know what else to do.

[Kelseago]

Wow, I literally cried reading all this. I'm a recovering coke, speed, really anything that'd keep me up addict. I can tell you that she does feel shame, as i did/do. I was the money maker in the first half of our relationship so he really had no clue what I spent. What's sad is I would find ways to not pay. Being a restaraunt manager it was easy. The day I realized he finally knew was when we were packing to move and we kept finding empty baggies everywhere. He would throw them away and I would retrieve and shamefully lick them. He saw me and just hung his head and walked away. That was one if the saddest moments of my life. I know now that he always knew. After having our kids I quit the illegal stuff and went to "legal" speeds. I actually took 20 duet pills in one day. I would get upset if my husband would take one before his workout.  When i bought bottles he would take half and hide. I guess it was his way of trying to help. Anyhoo, sorry for rambling but you just really hit home. Keep your head up, there is hope. There's always hope when there's still love

[Deb179]

Hi ...I'm Debbie.  I'm the mom bmdad refers to, a few posts back, about letters written by members to my son.

I have to tell you...You Are in the right place !!!
People, here are WONDERFUL.  I have never in my life time found so many people so willing to give of them selves....to help a total stranger.
Each person here, has their own issues, their own pain, but give SO FREELY.  One in particular, has taken me under his wing and walked my path of pain with me, he brought me to the rainbow :)  I pray I may someday beable to do the same for him.  It is something...I will ...never forget.

I came here in desperation.  My son a heavy IV heroin user, in jail...due to his drug use.  Jail...reason being I was unable to get him on this site,  OD once and 2 suicide attempts in 3 months.  He gave up on life....saw NO other way out.  I frantically searched for someone on the out side, "my friends" haha.  Most believed he was right where he belonged..."he did this to himself" no comfort what so ever.  Granted, he did do this to himself, but I wasn't in any way ready to except that as the answer and sit in the back ground waiting for the inevitable.
First ...the members, guided me out of the hole I was falling into, 2nd...help for my son.  The suggestion was made to ask for letters to be written , that I could print and send, with hope, he could see others in the same situation, desperation, struggling, but many making their way to the other side...HOPE...

I have really not been back alot lately, spending alot of time with my son.....this time in a Good Way.
But I do Believe An Overdue THANK YOU is in order
SO....THANK YOU....your letters, have done more than you can ever know.
You helped to give "My Son" a second chance !!!!
Hagendaaz....I printed every letter, I sent them to my son...He once again...had Hope.
He had his final court date ( sentencing) last Wed.  He was looking at up to 7 years in state prison.  He just turned 21...Also  A Great Kid, that made a Bad Choice.  He was willing to pay the price, for the wrong things he had done...to get his drugs, but also felt...his life...drugs, prison or death.  He had begged for help...no one would give him the chance. as he was also on probation.  He also had an accumulation of clean time....8 months ( 4 forced & 4 on his own)

Back to the letters.  The letters I sent him from the members...really touched him.  He after reading them forwarded them to the judge along with a letter of his own and a letter from his mom, which was writen with the help of "my guardian angel ",the member that took me under his wing.
The first words from the judge, " I received a flood of mail on behalf of Lee and read each and every one of them "
The letters...touched her heart, and brought tears to her eyes...her words.  Judges, aren't suppose to be emotional..are they ??
She saw 3 different sides of an all to familiar story.  The Love of a mom, that would not give up,  the addict...fighting to see the hope, that was once there, and the unselfishness, of total strangers, giving of themselves...to help one of their own.
I am convinced...nothing short of a miracle happened that day in the court room.  Rather than her sentencing him to prison as expected....she fully released him.  Wiped his path clear of probation and court .  She told him.."To go FIX his life "
He has a second chance.
He will be released next Thursday, into the hands of the only councilor, that was able to reach beyond his addiction..she touched his soul.  They are already working on the next plan of action, while I KNOW, a long road awaits and I'm afraid of getting my hopes to high.....I at the present time no longer fear, the death of my son.  

There is absolutely No Doubt in my mind....the outcome would Not be the same.....with out the guidance of these special people.
I for One Am & Will be Forever Greatful !!

So....Yes...Stick around.
If you can't get your wife here...try printing some of the stories, leave them somewhere, so she will find them....I believe once she reads a few, she Will look for more, not only will they show her there is hope.  Who Knows, maybe the incouragment, will help her find a quit buddy.

My Best to You & Your Wife !!!
God Bless You ALL!!!
Deb

PS  I have always wanted to go back to school, not knowing what for....after this experience....I think I have found my answer.
Substance abuse counseling, while I may be ready to retire, before I get my degree.....I know where I can Still come for "guidance" :)

[Hagendaaz]

You are lucky that she has been on them for only a relatively short time.  Also, the fact that she stopped while pregnant shows she has a little more control over the lure of the high.  If she were more susceptible she'd take them while pregnant if you can believe that.  You are in a good position for recovery.  The chronic pain is a complicating factor.  I've recommended this several time on other threads - exercise - it helps tremendously, so unless her doctor says don't do it, then why not.  I've had the most difficult time finding the motivation to exercise, I tried all sorts of activities and hated it.  Finally I found swimming and love it.  No longer do I have to push myself to get out and do it, instead, I crave getting to the pool.  The point is that if you find an activity that is really enjoyable - motivation becomes a side affect of wanting to do it.  The rewards are unreal, mentally and physically.  I'm sorry to hear that she pushes you away, that is something that completely ***** that she cannot at least confide in you to help you understand what she is going through.  Pretty much the same attitude on this end - very closed private personality which is almost futile to try and crack open.  Basically it seems that it is pointless and maybe even counter productive to try and force open, but better to simple remain open yourself (without being sheepish) and give little hints that you are there to support knowing that you cannot fully understand.

Do you think that maybe she pushes you away and avoids explaining how it is because perhaps the pain problem is not as bad as it is made out to be?  The lure of the high can produce the most insane excuses imaginable.  In a lot of ways, it is like being a parent rather than a partner...