Married to a crackhead for 6 years

[confusedWifey]

I've been married to my husband for 6 years now. When we first met he knew I didn't want anything to do with drugs and he claimed that he had learned his lesson and didn't do drugs anymore. We married pretty quickly. In the months before we got married I found that he was smoking pot. Nobody had ever told me that he had ever used crack or coke. When he started running off to get high with his cousin and other buddies I just assumed it was pot. Granted, his behavior became a little odd when he was high but I figured it was because he would sometimes smoke the pot resin. I had no reason to think he was doing anything else.
Shortly after our 2 year anniversary he got arrested and was charged with possession of pot and crack. That was the first time he admitted he had been doing crack and coke. He told me he was done with it all but within a month of getting out of jail free and clear of charges he was back at it again. I never realized until after his arrest that my family knew more about his problem than I did. Nobody told me. I turned to an old guy friend (online) that I had been best friends with for 3 years (totally online). It was all innocent. I didn't "cheat" with him or try to get back with him. We talked for a little over a year. I told my husband about it and he got upset. Now he claims that he got so bad because I "cheated" on him. However, the whole reason I was talking to the guy was because he was already running off and doing things every night, staying gone all hours of the nite, spending ALL the money on drugs instead of taking care of our, at the time, 1 son and me (pregnant).
Fast forward to 6 years married. In the last 6 years he has done things I never thought he would do. He's left me stranded while he took off to buy drugs, sold our vehicle (wasn't tagged at the time), spent hundreds of dollars in one night I'm sure it would have been more if we had more, spends almost every dollar on drugs, traded many of OUR things for drugs, etc. He also watches a lot of porn and has signed up for many adult sex personals. He claims they are just for the pictures but I've found a few where he either had a profile or a picture up. And they would say that he was divorced with kids that didn't live with him. So he wasn't just making up a fake profile he was making a real profile. As far as I can tell he has never seemed to check his messages on those websites. i don't know for sure though. I have no clue what is going on with him because he is so secretive. Yet he has to know every little thing I'm doing. And wants to control every little thing I do. I'm very passive and submissive.
He has told me many times he is going to quit and go to rehab. This is the second time he's actually done something to put that in motion. However, the damage is done. I don't love him anymore and want him out of our lives. I don't believe he will quit. Even if he did, I just do not want him anymore. It would be nice for him to come clean for his kids, but I don't see it happening. I don't know what to do. He won't leave. I don't have the means to just leave.

[Rhi55]

I understand you completely I'm going through it right now with my husband and I'm pregnant with his child tbh I know what you are saying it's hard to leave when you don't have the means or he'll find you... Mine lived on the street here and there when he's done he'll come back and bang on my door and if I don't answer it I'll get evicted cause he's smashed my apartments window... Mine smoked pot too and I had no clue he was on crack just like you I hate drugs and we got married fast we as victims need to stick together... I will be free soon cause he'll be getting locked up tbh let him fall on his face don't have contact with him if he gets locked up and you need to get on some state programs so you are not relying on him that's one thing I don't do cause he takes everything I mean he spent $26,000 in ten days left us with nothing I lost my furniture and I ad to go to a soup kitchen too feed my kids until food stamp kicked in.... please don't hesitate to get the help and you'll be free of him having that hold on you once that is gone he'll more and likely leave then you file for divorce and then get a protective order to keep you safe during this honestly I hope and wish you the best considering we are all going through this unnecessary ****...

[Jaybay]

PLEASE do try some Al-Anon meetings.  You may have to try a few different ones to find one you like but it really does help.  It's the same 12-step program that addicts and alcoholics do.  Think of it as a self-improvement program.  You can find a sponsor to help keep you on track with what YOU want out of life instead of merely reacting to what your husband does.  

Even if you are able to move out soon, the same problems will still be there.  He'll still be part of your life through the children so you'll still have to deal with him to a certain extent.  You say you're a passive and submissive personality - Al-Anon can help you stick to whatever decisions you feel are best for you and the kids no matter how much pressure your husband puts on you do to what he wants you to do.  It's a hard thing to realize that we get just as sick as the addict in our own way.  You say the marriage is over as far as your concerned.  Try some meetings and see if the pathway to freedom becomes a bit clearer.  

[atthebeach]

hello and welcome to mh. your husbands addiction is his. addicts  play the blame game and manipulate those close to them into believing that their addiction is someone elses fault. until he takes responsibility for the addiction he will not seek help.
his behaviors are typical addict behaviors, deceiving,keeping secrets,stealing,lying,caring more about the drugs then the family,causing financial ruin.
crack addicts have a tendency to heightened sexual activity. so the porn fits right in there. does he stay out at night or stay away for a few days at a time?
does he work? do you work outside the home?
what has he done to put into motion going into rehab?  
i would suggest that you get into counseling and go to a support group al-anon for the family of addicts.
you have asked him to leave and he wont? i had that same problem with my husband. we slept in separate bedrooms for years. then one day he left and a year later went into rehab.
i so completely understand your frustration and your hurts. it is very painful living with an addict. here is the link for finding a al-anon meeting.please check it out. they will help you to stop enabling him.
http://al-anon.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
please keep us posted
sending hugs and prayers
debbie

[allmymarbles]

You say you don't have the means to leave him. That tells me that he is supporting you and the children. If you get a divorce he would have to pay child support since he is working. If that sum were not sufficient to live on you could get an unskilled job to help out. McDonalds does not require a PhD.

You know that there are solutions out there. Is it possible that you do not want to take on the responsibility of raising your children without someone by your side?