I just don't know

[ImSoScared]

If I can do this...It's Day 4 and I'm going out of my mind! Really truly going out of my mind...I feel like smashing things I feel like telling everyone to screw off!
I'm trying to dig down deep and find some strength but the bad part of my brain is telling me that I'm going through all this just to start back up again :[
I've been so mean to my husband and daughter who I confided in...Where do I come off being mean to them? GRR I hate myself!!  I'm so good at this pity party thing...
I have not left my house but once in these 4 days...I try and psyche myself up to get out of the house but then panic sets in...I haven't even washed my hair or attempted to put on a stitch of makeup which my husband and daughter say would probably make me feel a little better...
I mentioned the other day I had two meetings for my daughters, well I didn't make either one...I just keep thinking a pill or 10 would let me do what I have to do...
Be harsh I know i deserve it...
Scared

[lonote]

Yes , I can believe this is you we are talking about. The new and improved you. But sweety  try real hard not to have a stressful pregnancy uuuunless the dr.'s cause you some concern. I will say a special prayer for you also. And Mazel Tov to you too on your pregnancy.I'm okay. I needed to vent privately, but i'll call one of my long time friends. I can respect your privacy totally. My feelings got deeply hurt today, so I'm just trying to forget about it and move on. I haven't been out here much and I'll probably be out here less now. I have company in town, And I'm not to happy with this forum
today.Its good to talk with you. I'll Be out when I see my friends hope shelby and thr rest, or if I can
offer help to any one, but  I'm going to cool it for a while. Need a break.   Thake care hon   Love Cathy
























































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derstand. I just needed to vent, but it won't be here. I 'll call one of my girlfriends. Yeah
Girl, I can believe this is you we are talking about. This new begining.

[ImSoScared]

Well I did it... Picked up my older daughter! Driving was scary...I think I forgot how to drive without pills!!! But I did it none the less...
And Colly it was a good kind of cry...Not to worry :]  Also congratulations on your pregnancy, it's a beautiful blessing...Enjoy your weekend...
IBK
Yes baby steps... thank your for the encouragement to get me out the door...

[CollyDog]

Hey Cathy girl - not spoken to you in a little while girl.  I hope all is going well for you too and mazal tov to you for Rosh Hashanah!  I appreciate your prayers girl ~ I need all the help I can get.  I did the research on my DOC's and you're right - there's very little to worry about with useage in the first trimester.  I have been doing oodles of reading and the more time passes by, the better I am feeling.  Did I tell you I am actually 12 weeks instead of 10 - whoa!!  We have a couple of tests the next few weeks and then nothing until Week 16, when we can find out the baby's sex.  God, I can hardly believe this is me I am talking about.  Me the Addict:  Pregnant with Child and being Responsible and feeling Happy!  What's up with that girl?  Life sure is good right now girl and I pray it's the same for you?

I don't think you have my email address sweetie as I've never posted it on here.  I use a work email address and it would give up way too many personal details.  Hope you understand my wanting to protect my identity a little bit ~ not from you guys on here ~ but from others, especially in the line of business I am in.

Take care and have a fantastic weekend dear lady
Love and Hugs, Vicky xx

[lonote]

I googled perocett  and oxicodine during first semester. Do some reading sweetie and set you mind at ease. Its the Jewish New Year I will be saying a special prayer for you and your child. Honey I know this is hard but turn it over to God's hands, and take as good care of your self as you can. All this worring is normal, natural, but its not a good thing for you, You are in my thoughts. do I have your e-mail?

[CollyDog]

I know you do sweetie, I know you do but to be honest, I enjoy being picked on by y'all.  So you think I missed my calling eh?  What is my vocation in life in your humble opinion little lady?  I can't wait to hear this one. . .

Love ya girl - won't be around too much longer and probably not at all over the weekend so don't worry about me, OK?  I'll be back on Monday with bells on. . .

You take care of you dear friend and I hope the next two days are good ones in every sense of the world.

Everybody take care and I hope you all stay strong on this ride through recovery - we are all survivors and that, in my lil ole opinion is something worth "feeling" good about!!

Love and Hugs
Vicky xxx

[CollyDog]

Sweetie - I have news for you girl.  You said you "can't imagine facing anyone outside my house right now" but that's exactly what you're doing on this Forum.  You are allowing people, who share your pain and your addiction help you and encourage you.  If we can do that and we don't even know you honey, what do you think the people that care and love you can do to help?  Just look at it like this:  I am simply going to open the door, concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, and I will pick my child up from school.  Then, when you return home, you can sit there in the knowledge that you conquered yet another fear.  Your addiction, unfortunately, is very sneaky and is playing mental games with your right now.  Honey:  it's lying to you and it's going to keep on lying to you.  One pill will not fix this nor will 100 pills!  All they will do is take you back four days and then you'll have to go through this all over again.  The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful and it will stop at nothing to ensnare us - you have to combat it's actions by being strong, brave and true to yourself.  You can do this honey, I just know you can.  I am sorry I made you cry - that was not my intention but let me ask you this:  did you actually feel something inside you that moved you to tears?  If so, then you are well on your way sweetie!!  You are feeling again without opiates - how about that??

Hugs all the way girl
Vic xx

[IBKleen]

One foot in front of the other. Baby steps honey, baby steps...

Colly? Did you make her cry? My GOD girl, you are good at that! I think you missed your calling...LOL..LOL..LOL (I just love to pick on you)

Seriously though, you CAN do it! Like it was said..Look how far you have come already.

Please keep posting.

Big 'ol hugs,,,,,,

[ImSoScared]

Your post has me crying my eyes out, but it's a GOOD cry if you know what I mean...
I showered, did a semi something to my hair and got some makeup on...Then had to lay on the couch for an hour...I wanted to pick my youngest up from school but this fear of going out is soo STRONG! So I had my son do it... Now I got out of one errand and my next is to pick up my daughter...That I have to do and I have to do it soon... Here comes the palpitations, the want for a pill...
There I go getting side tracked again... Sorry  :]
I hope one day soon I look outside my window and see this beautiful place...
I do believe a support group would probably do me worlds of good, but I can't imagine facing anyone outside my house right now...

[CollyDog]

Sorry - I forgot to mention something.  A support group as IBK suggests above would be imperative for you at this point in recovery.  Are there meetings locally that you could attend?  You have to get some of this internal stuff out; and there's no better place to do it.  One day at a time of course. . .

[CollyDog]

Trust me girl, the shower will work wonders but a bath would be even better.  The physical w/d's will undoubtedly be kicking your butt but you're about through it now.  Why would you ever put yourself back in this position ever again - the withdrawals are bad enough to make me never want to use again knowing that I'd have to go through them again.  That's the mental side of our addiction talking to you sweetie and you know, deep down, that you won't do this again, right?  You can do this, heck, you've already done this!

The outside world is not scary honey - it's a beautiful place and being a part of it clean and sober and being able to realize what we are capable of is mind-blowing.  I am about four weeks clean from my drugs of choice and I've never felt better.  Yes, the mental part of the addiction still tries to kick my butt but I have no desire, absolutely none, to ever go backwards.  I will not allow a tiny pill to direct my life:  been there; done that; and have the t-shirt to prove it.  I can hardly believe that I am the same person who lived in my body a month ago.  The changes are phenominal, even in such a short time, and I am so making the most of every single minute.  Nobody outside will know your secret honey; but what if they did?  It's not the end of the world because you're a survivor and not a quitter - if you were the latter you wouldn't be feeling so bad now would you?  No pain; no gain - remember that and keeping on riding the ride.  I promise, promise, promise it gets better - Day 10 for me was when I realized the biggest differences.  It's a gradual thing and you tend to look back and think how much better you feel today than you did this time last week. . .YOU CAN DO THIS GIRL . . . you really can.

Please stay strong - get a bath/shower - get dressed - pretty yourself up - try and eat something - and post, post, post and read, read, ready

Hugs and support coming your way girl . . .Vicky x

[ImSoScared]

Hugs back :]
I don't know how long ago I posted but I've gotten as far as getting myself a towel and some clean clothes... Now I'm too exhausted to get my sorry (probably smelly) *** in the shower  lol
The physical is there no doubt and it's kicking my butt, that's ok though...
It's the mental thing, uhg this is why I always feel I'm weak... I'm just a real mental kind of person  lol I hide it well :]  
But that's the thing I've handled the mental thing for a long time, that's why I kept taking the pills I just felt that I was a better person... Does that make sense?
Now...I have to handle the real world (the one outside the doors to my house) and I have to do it without pills...That scares me to death...
I feel like if I go outside, everyone will know, they will all see right through me...By them I mostly mean the adults in my kids lives (their friends moms, their coaches, their teachers) and I don't want me kids to be punished or ridiculed because of me...
Wow I'm rambeling, sorry
My daughter is yelling now, I must really smell!
I'm going to try this shower thing one more time  :]
Thanks for listening

[IBKleen]

You want harsh? Get you sorry *** in the shower!
How was that???

But, I am not like that. I DO understand how you feel. It is not easy. With that being said: How bad do you want this? You are on day 4 and the worst of the physical is almost over. There is a mental aspect of this disease that can drag you down faster than the physical.

It sounds to me that a nice hot shower would do you good. Put on a little make-up and some clean clothes. Then hun, sit and think about what I asked you: How bad do you want this? Wht are your options? Do you want to live your life being dragged around by the neck from those little pills? Or, do you want to LIVE your life?

Have you considered NA or AA meetings? Or, perhaps counseling? I do believe you are going to need help. I know I do.

I hope your day goes better than it started. Take care of yourself, and be good to yourself. Don't forget those people around you who helped you through this. Be kind to them.

Hugs at ya.........