Help! I could REALLY use some kind words right now!

[sailing1]

You have probably seen some of my posts from the last few days, and I'm usually pretty upbeat, but at this very moment I am crying, angry, drepressed and feeling horrible about people, more specifically my mother, and could really use some encouraging words.

Here's a semi-brief synopsis:  My mom and dad met in NYC when she was 17 and he 23.  They fell in love, I think.  I know my dad loved her, but I'm not so sure if it went the other way.  They divorced when I was 3 and were apart and married to others until they got back together in 2000.  They re-married in 2002 on their (would have been) 40th anniversary.   My dad died last year.

From the moment they were married, it was very obvious to all (including my dad) that my mom wasn't in love with him....all her behaviors changed and she essentially moved back to her previous state.  She would pop in on him from time to time, show up for big, hoity-toity galas and events and then leave.  My dad was really sick, and I was left there to take care of him.  Months before he died, he told me that he had revised his Will and that my mom would get no more than what she would have gotten had they gotten a divorce, but that he was too sick and tired to go through another divorce.

When he passed, however, my mom, in an agreement signed a week after their marriage, got everything...down to the last nut and bolt in the garage.  Now I'm not complaining about the money/estate at all.  I've always taken care of myself and family and will continue to do so, but there was one thing that was very near and dear to my Dad that my mom has and was NEVER supposed to get.....a non-profit foundation worth (alot) and for which I am President and my brother sec/treas.

This foundation was set up by my Dad and us before my mom ever rejoined the picture.  We gave to all sorts of charities and great causes.  My dad was so proud when we took over the foundation (in his illness) and continued to manage it with great success in our community.   But because of the trust agreement, and her position as widow, my mom found out that she could incorporate it under her name and run it as she saw fit.....without our say so as she, her sister (added to the board) and our family lawyer (a jackass and traitor to my father) had a majority vote.

Now, today, I find out that my mother has used all of the foundation funds to build a dance studio and couldn't even agree to a $1500 donation to my daughter's High School newspaper and literary magazine for operating costs.  $1500 is like chump change next to what the foundation was worth when my dad died and when I was last allowed to manage it.

I feel like I let my dad down, and he was the most wonderful, loving, giving man I've ever known.  And now, I can't even stand the thought of my mother....I don't want to talk to her, look at her, have any sort of relationship with her.  The only thing that stops me from telling her off, even pressing charges against her for non-profit law fraud, is the fact that my dad left my children a large (revocable) trust that they can access when they turn 24.  Both my teens have said they don't care about the money, and that I should confront her regardless of what she could do in retaliation.  I'm at a loss on that one, and all I feel right now is intense heartbreak.  At this moment I WISH I had a vice like drugs or alcohol to take this pain away, but I don't.  

[sailing1]

Thanks for all of your support, comments and advice.  My kids really helped me to get over the initial "mourning" and sadness I felt today.  I have always been a person of action, and I do think, in honor and in memory of my dad and all he stood for, that I will find a way to fight this.  I may only have my partner and kids at my side in this fight, because my brother is apathetic about her taking over the foundation, but I feel I have right on my side as well.  I also have lots of documents from before his death, including newspaper articles that quote him saying he has "given over the reigns of the (foundation) to his daughter and son to carry on his commnity service."  Maybe those articles will give a judge reason to pause and believe that this was never his intent.

My children, God bless them, make me so proud.  They told me that they didn't care if they ever saw a dime of their inheritance, but the (foundation) was never supposed to be hers.  They want me to fight it.  (I must have done something right when I raised them....

And I do think she needs to be held accountable.  People seemed to look the other way when me dad was alive and really sick (multiple organ failure) and my mom was off skiing in Colorado, or on vacation.  The only thing she didn't rob me and my family of was time to be with him while he was dying.  That I got to be there, by his side was my blessing.  She showed up only the week before, for his birthday.  I know we can't choose our parents, so I am glad God gave me at least one awesome one.

Thanks to all of you......

[Jacqui805]

I would have to take her on......Your father never intended her to have this role, and everything he worked for and stood for is at stake....part of this is his legacy, his memory to lots of people.....I would think that your father would want someone to straighten this out, and unfortunately, you're the only one in the position to do it.  I think some people do awful things partly b/c they think no one will oppose them....and to let people do these things without opposition, is just as wrong as what they themselves have done.  I know it's hard, but the good thing is, you don't have to fight alone....take everyone's advice here and seek out a good lawyer...Turn those tears into action....you've mourned what she's done, now's the time to fight....honor your wonderful father by wonderful daughter he raised.  Good luck to you : )

[Mangee]

You have no other option than to go after her. She is a manipualtor of the worst kind. By doing what she has done she has shown that she has no love for you, your children,and defenitley not your father. If your father has left specific instructions as to how the money should be distributed than she must follow the instructions to the letter. A will is a legally binding contract that must be obeyed. If she has usurped any form of instruction by your father then she is legally liable and the courts will set it straight. Your obligation is not to your mother who obviously used your father and you, but to your children. Set aside all or any compassion you might have for your mother as she obviously has none for you or your children. Go to a good lawyer, explain the situation as it stands and ask him what he thinks you should do. Any lawyer worth his salt will, with any evidence of illegal manipulation, use it to get what she has purloined back to you and your children. Don't let it slide. Start procedings and have her money frozen so that she can't suddenly disappear which she may do.
Good luck.

[HelpinUtah]

Sailing:
I'm a little late since I just saw your message, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I understand how complicated things get when this type of thing happens in a family and the hurt that it causes.  Hang in there!  I'm so sorry!!!

[sailing1]

Thank you all for your support!

My kids are taking me out to dinner and a movie (a comedy) to de-stress


You're all great and in my prayers!

[bubbles1096]

Wow, a lot is at stake here.....first off, I am very sorry for the passing of your father, he sounds like a wonderful man, very giving and conscious of his families' future after is passing.

Remember one thing: your mother will always be your mother. That is such a simple statement, but a very realistic and powerful statement. Retribution and rebuttal, she is the person who gave you life and the what to do/what not to do actions you are dedicing to act upon will enevitablly change your realtionship with her and the rest of the family as well.

Your father has entrusted you to do the right thing; I strongly encourage you to do so, do what he would want done. When a business or non prof in your case is of interest, you need to do what is right for that, feelings and family need to be set aside. I too have dealt with a non prof. org that my grand parents have set up and altough nothing fraudulent has ever happended to the books with our family, things have happend with a few employees embezzling funds over the years and delaying deposits, this happend i the 70's the 90's and in 2006, all three different occasions with a handful of people conspiring together; it's a good cause, millions of dollars, and I see it this way; the org. was set up to do goods things; make the commununity grow and prosper and there's nothign good about what your mother has done for her grandchildren and for the org.

Seek out third party atty., not just the org's current counsel and get an opinion.Good luck and may you sleep sound at night with all you have going on!

[sailing1]

Thanks Vic.  And couldn't hold a match to my Dad....he was so special.

And Magi,  my kids are unbelievably well-adjusted, articulate and just plain ol' good kids, but they both have seen what my mom has shown them over the years.  Their relationship with them is there own, but right now, both of them are horrified by my mother's actions and say they have seen her true character for years.

Thanks everyone, I really needed to vent.  Like I've said, I've tried my entire adult life to reconcile with my childhood and my mom, but every time I think I've reached a peaceful state (including forgiveness) with her, another wall seems to rise up between us.  I just don't know how many times a person is supposed to forgive another before they just give up the fight and sever the umbilical chord.???

Again, Thank you all for your comments and support.

[allaboutmary]

So sorry your going through this. I don't really have any great words of wisdom for you. It does sound like it's eating you up emotionally and not about the money so much. Otherwise I would say do as VicUser says, but I'm not sure that would heal your emotional pain.  Just remember she has to live with the moral wrongs she commits. Keep your chin up girl.  Hugs, Mary

[lovepat906]

I am so sorry, Sailing. Your mother sounds like a  narcissist. YOU did not let your father down. This is not your fault. I have come to the conclusion after many years of trying to control things in life- and make them fair- that we have a very limited circle of influence. And you have to avoid the law of unintended consequences. Your kids, your family, your friends are more important than this nasty situation. IF I were you- first I would scream and cry and mourn. Then I would circle my wagons around the truly precious things in my life- make them my focus - and let go. Maybe concentrate on how I could make a positive difference in this world on my own- even in a small way-that would make your Dad proud. This is a black hole that could suck you in and darken your life for years. Ascend. Trust me-  in the end  it will be her loss ... it already is.

[VicUser]

Know what you feel is a reflection of the man your Dad was and he would be proud that you care and want to honor him.

[flmagi]

Well, before you take any legal action or black mail, you need to decide if you are able to accept what it will do permanantly to your relationship with your mother. And possibly the relationship between her and her grandkids.
So sorry, you're in this position.

[VicUser]

I would report her, while the black mail approach is understandable ans may result if the desired out come, it could back fire and cause you problems. Maybe you could give her a time deadline to "repay the loan" she mistakenly took, then turn her a$$ in if she doesn't. Sorry for the strong language, this make my blood boil.

I think anyone that works hard for what they have or it is given to them legit deserves what they have, but people that take and get in an amoral manner should burn.

[sailing1]

Actually legally I should report her, as should anyone who abuses the regulations for non-profit organizations, morally even.  I think she just assumes that I won't report her misconduct beacuse I am her daughter.  Maybe I should use a little blackmail...."So here it is mom, I won't press charges against you and will say I actually did vote for the changes you made in the foundation, and in return, you will set up an irrevocable trust to each of the grandkids in the amount specified by my father in his (supposed) will.

In my first, lengthy, comment, I don't think I made it clear that she has used all of the foundation's funds for her studio.   It wasn't just that she wouldn't give my daughters magazine the donation, but she said that there weren't funds for it.

To so many my problems may seem ridiculous, petty even, but my biggest problem is the feeling of betrayal by my mom and failure to my father.  These feelings are horrible no matter what your financial situation.  I kind of feel like an orphan....like I've lost both my parents, one physically and the other emotionally.

[VicUser]

If you haven’t already, get the meanest lawyer if the biggest fangs you can, I hate unscrupulous people.

[sailing1]

I lived with my mom and two abusive stepfathers until my father rescued my brother and I when I was 15.  I graduated warly from HS and went to nursing school right away.  I've been supporting my family ever since.

At the time the my father told me about the change in his will, he told me not to worry about finances and such because he had left me something to keep my kids and I comfortable (I stopped working while I took care of him for over a year.)  He told me he had changed his original trust agreement to a Will that would provide for my mother well, but secure everything else for the grandkids.

[VicUser]

I would find a good layer and spend every last dime I had going after her, there is what is legally right and morally right, sometimes they are not the same, sometimes they are if you dig deep enough. Some people think that if they seem to be right you will just roll over and go away. I am sure your Dad would not want you to be one of those people right now.

[flmagi]

Wow, this *****. Did you live with your mom or dad while you were growing up? Have you ever been close with your Mom?
I'm confused. Your Dad changed his Will before he died, leaving your Mom...some stuff, but she signed an agreement a week after they married. And this agreement overrode the change in the will? Am I understanding this correctly?
Certainly your father knows from where he is now, that the misuse of these funds is not your fault. I do understand how heart broken you must feel though to not be able to continue the good things he set out to do.