some kind of freak..

[anotherfinemess]

I'm beginning to feel like no one on here has had a detox/recovery experience similar to mine, and I'm beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me.  When I first stopped the Vicodin c/t, I had loads of anxiety, panic attacks and restlessness.  In fact, in the first few days I had so much nervous energy that I got up every day (after, like, no sleep) got dressed, got out, and got a ton of things done.  I spring-cleaned my entire house- re-arranging closets, organizing, etc.  Mind you, I did not feel good, I just felt manic.  I also felt like I couldn't breathe;  I felt like I had to make a conscious effort to inhale and exhale. On the second day, I actually drove myself to the ER at 5 am, scared to death with palpitations and panic and dehydration, where they first gave me Ativan.  
I never felt like I had the flu, I never had a runny nose, sneezing, restless legs, diarrhea-- nothing like that.
Now, 82 days later, I am still struggling.  The depression is unbelievable. I find no pleasure in anything.  I am devoid of any kind of optimism or enthusiasm.  I am like this empty shell...just going through the motions...every day is like the one before.  You know how you feel when you get your heart broken-- like you could win the lottery and it would mean nothing to you?  I feel like that every day.  I can barely get out of bed in the morning.  I should get an Oscar for my performance in the workplace and in the presence of friends and family.  
I have done everything imaginable to try to move forward:  I go the gym and workout heavy 3 days a week, I push myself to do things, to reach out to people.  I take every nutritional supplement ever purported to treat depression and improve well-being.
But I can't get out of this dark freakin' hole.  I told myself I wouldn't do it-- but I'm starting an antidepressant next week (Welbutrin).  I have got to get happy, dammit!

[allaboutmary]

I was alway one of those people that didn't believe in anti-depressants. My mother lives with me and she was in that dark hole you have talked about. She started taking Lexipro about 3 months ago, and I just can't believe the difference in her. She is doing sooooo much better.  I hope it helps you as much as it helped her.  Sounds like you have tried everything else. Best Wishes  Mary

[anotherfinemess]

thanks everyone for your responses.  After I wrote that post, I went to an NA meeting.   I had only gone to one meeting before, when I was still sort of in withdrawals, and I was sort of overwhelmed by the whole thing.  I decided, on a whim tonight, to go the the Womens meeting .  I'm really glad I went;  I feel like I got a lot out of it.  After the meeting I went to the gym, worked out, took a sauna, jacuzzi and shower.  I feel much better.

And FLaddict-  I take an amino acid supplement as well as additional glutamine and 5-HTP. Also a multi vitamin and mineral supplement.  I tried the Sam-e, but it gave me insomnia and restlessness.  I also take the fish oils.
I plan to go on the welbutrin for a few months only, and then taper off. I'm just tired of having no quality of life ...

[banana911]

i am in no position to be giving any advice, so just to chat: seems if you are working with drs still & going to start wellburtin you are doing the right things.  i have been on wellbutrin in the past and it leveled me out alot (this is years ago) - i am a pretty angsty, restless person so if it did me good i am hoping the same for you.  actually i am only on day 2 here & I worry about your exact situation - - i am hoping on some sort of "bounce back" and don't know if it is going to happen.  

i am amazed you do all the things you do while not feeling good.  that is a gene i just dont have.  

good luck.  

[FLaddict]

Member 'justlikeyou" felt alot like you do.. he said he felt bad for almost 5 months..

Did you try any of the supplements or aminos that are suggested for detox and the early days of recovery??  they help the neurotransmitter that have been damaged by the abuse of pills to heal. This disruption of the brain chemistry is what causes the depression, anxiety, lethargy ect that comes with getting off the pills, parts of our brains have been on vacation during our entire addictions and they really fight going back to work again.

[Jack629]

Hey there...well I haven't been clean for as long as you for a LONG time so I can't speak for what my 82 days is like.  All I can tell you is what I have learned and from what I understand, the depression thing can go on a few months anyhow.  We're all freaks in one way or another but I'm betting you're not all that different than anyone else as far as struggling with addiction. Something has kept you clean that long. Do you know what that is?

[anotherfinemess]

oh, so my question is:  is there anyone else who has a couple months of clean time under their belt and still feels like they're not bouncing back like they should?